General Dating Questions/Very Disturbing Trend
Hello Dr. Dennis Neder,
How are you. I need to call something to your attention. I know a lot of people read your advice, so I wanted to make this public.
I'm a 35 year old woman. As of the last 5 years or so, I've noticed a disturbing trend.
Most of the men I have sex with (ages 25-45) absolutely REFUSE to wear a condom during sex.
I am not on the birth control pill because I've tried lots of them and they've messed up my body and made me very sick, I've tried other options and it was no avail. So I always need to use a condom.
I carry both female condoms and male condoms with me in my purse at all times.
However, men of all ages, races, religions, socioeconomic backgrounds, and educational qualifications REFUSE to wear a condom.
In fact, the men with PhD's are the main culprits. As educated as they are, they are playing Russian roulette.
The other issue is, when I ask that they wear a condom, they get FURIOUS at me and start shoving me and screaming at me. This is unacceptable. If it was just a few men, I wouldn't think much of it other than they are immature and foolish. But this is large scale groups of men of all ranges.
The other issue is, most of these men have dating apps, like Tinder, where they can have sex with many girls any time they like. They have sex with 3-4 different girls each week. And they are NOT using condoms with any of them either.
So I am not sure what to say. I would still say most responsible men are practicing safe sex and using condoms, but many are not.
Do you have any advice on how to negotiate a situation like this? Usually if you demand to use a condom if he doesn't want to, you will never see the guy again and it's the last you will hear from him. But really, in the grand scheme of things, isn't that better than dying from AIDS?
Again, most people are responsible but many aren't, I've just noticed this no-condom trend in the last 5 years and many other people have as well.
Thanks you for answering my question!!
First, I'm glad you're bringing this up and second, I'm glad you've made this public. Many, many people need to hear this.
First, some perspective.
The reality is that most people don't have, transmit or receive STD's with unprotected sex. Pregnancy doesn't happen in most cases of unprotected sex. Further, while there has been much research into female contraception, there has been woefully little emphasis placed on male contraception. There are some technologies that are emerging soon that will change this however.
The reason why so many people are having unprotected sex is because too many so-called "experts" have overstated the problem and people are seeing it as the overreaction that it is. Thus, people have stopped listening to these experts. The same thing happened with the war on drugs by the way. All sorts of wacky things were claimed that simply aren't true and people began ignoring the real facts.
So, while transmission of STD's and unwanted pregnancies are a probability, if you get one or get pregnant, you are 100% a casualty. That's the factual direction we don't talk about.
This has led right back to an huge lack of education. In fact, people don't want to listen to the REAL experts any more. Instead, the void and ignorance has allowed things like the anti-vaxer, anti-gmo and other "crowds of ignorance" to flourish - further exacerbating the problem.
The only answer is to accept the reality: if you consider yourself a responsible person, you have one and only one choice if you're going to have multiple short-term sex partners: use (and demand) condoms every single time and use them correctly. No exceptions. No excuses.
If you don't do that you are irresponsible and one of the people who allow STD's and unwanted pregnancies to continue in our population.
Dr. Dennis W. Neder
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”