General Dating Questions/Living situation
I wanted to ask a male for his perspective on my living situation. I just turned 28 and I still live at home with my mom.
There are a few reasons why.
1. My dad became terminally ill in my early twenties and my mother and I helped care for him for 3 years by dropping to part time work, which caused a dint in my savings.
2. I had a carpe diem moment after he died that I wanted to follow my dream of being a designer. This has meant long hours running my own business for not much of an income.
3. Because of self employment the banks wonít give me a home loan, and I also got rejected for renting.
I recently secured a part-time job to help with extra income, but Iím still a few months off moving out. I have not had one date since since my last relationship a year ago because I am terrified no-one is going to want to date someone who still lives at home.
Aside from that I think I have a lot to offer. Iím intelligent, determined, kind, talented, witty, hard working, and fit. I love to cook and clean, and I lead a very independent life except that I live at home. Iíve been ready to date for the last few months but holding back in fear.
In your honest opinion, if I put myself out there to start dating again, am I likely to get made fun of because of my living situation? Or should I wait 6 months until Iíve got my own place? Do men really care about that or am I just being paranoid?
People aren't going to laugh at or mock your situation. That however isn't the real question.
Let's look at it a little differently. Let's say we weigh your situation on a scale instead. By the way, I'm using this metaphor (a balance scale) for two reasons: first, it's clear, easy to visualize and takes the question out of the realm of speculation. Second, it's a pretty close metaphor to how men actually think.
So, on one side we put your positive attributes: intelligence, determination, kindheartedness, etc. Throw in your other positive attributes while you're at it. Go ahead - load it up!
Now, let's throw your negative attributes on the other side of the scale: you live at home, your income isn't reflective of your talent or creativity, you're afraid to start dating, etc.
Now, looking from the outside, without considering any of the reasons for any of it, which side weighs more? I'll bet your positive attributes far, far outweigh your negative ones!
Men often look at women in this logical, comparative way - especially today (more on this in a moment) and especially if they have more than one option as to whom to date. This is why I constantly tell women that you need to work on learning how men think and what we find important, and then work on those skills and attributes.
This is especially true today where women are facing the greatest competition and lowest availability of men in the dating market we've seen over the past 50 years. Whereas we looked at your personal scale, men also come with another that is preloaded against you. Not only are there fewer available men of dating age, they are less interested in forming long-term relationships. That's just as true there in Australia as it is here in the US.
What this means is that you're already in a tough dating/relationship market and that you need to maximize your marketability. Waiting six months may change your personal scale somewhat but it's not going to change the overall sets of good/bad attributes as a whole very much.
In other words, your current situation really isn't that big an issue overall.
Say that you meet a guy who is considering dating you or someone else. If every other thing on that scale is equal except for your living situation (she's on her own while you're living with mum) then she's going to tip the scale slightly. However, that's only one attribute and really, when are things ever going to be that finely-tuned?
Don't wait. Get going now and don't worry about your living and financial situations. Those will change, but your experience and education will grow from the moment you begin. Don't put that off for another six months.
Dr. Dennis W. Neder
Producers: "BAM! TV" and ďLove and SexĒ
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & IIIĒ