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General Dating Questions/she loves me but she won't kiss me


I'm from New Zealand and I have a girlfriend who lives in the US. We went to school together (but we never talked back then) and after more than a decade, found each other on facebook. We started chatting, became really close and eventually fell for each other. She's married, by the way, and i'm single.

She came to visit her family here last year (with her husband and kids) and we went out many times. She always reminded me that she loves me very much. However, whenever I try to kiss her, she'd move away. She hugs me tight, won't let go, but won't kiss me.

She said she's not yet fully separated with her husband but they're not 'together' anymore. They sleep in separate rooms. Last week, they had a conversation about their relationship and apparently, her husband wants to rekindle their relationship, but she said no. She said she doesn't love him anymore.

In June, I'm going to the US to visit her. It will only be for a week and I want to make sure that it will all be worth my trouble. When I asked why she won't kiss me, she always say that she's afraid of what might happen next, that she's waiting for the right moment, etc...

She asked me to be patient and not push for the kiss. When it happens, according to her, it will be 'magic'. She also said that she hadn't kissed her husband for ten years so I need not worry (but their youngest son is only 7 years old, you get me?).

Now, I'm already 29 and she's 35. Too old for fairy tales and for playing games, i might say.

I told her a thousand times that I want to kiss her... that it's how a person shows love to the other person. But her answer was always the same. I don't understand her. She said she loves me and that she wants to be with me. I told her that I'm actually thinking of moving there, leave my life here, to be with her.

I love her with all my heart, but do you think she's worth all my trouble? Or is she just playing with me?

Thank you very much and more power.
Warm regards.

Hello Harry!

To be correct, you have an "acquaintance" who lives in the US. Long-distance relationships are NOT "relationships" in any real sense. In fact, they are actually very dangerous. I've worked with many people who set up these dumb things and actually think they have something real only to find they don't and then spend many, many months - sometimes years - getting over them.

You claim to be too old for fairy tales, yet, here you are - smack-dab in the middle of one! Harry, NOTHING about this is real. Yes, I know you THINK it is, but it's not. She sees this, you don't.

Right now, it's easy for her to tell you whatever you want to hear. For her, it gives her someone (what we call an "emotional tampon") to lean on and give her support when her marriage is crumbling. As soon as she doesn't need that any more - or finds someone local to give it to her - do you really think you'll still be in the picture? No, you won't.

Consider this too: it's just a kiss! Really? What's the big deal here? She doesn't want to kiss you not because it's not the "right time" but that she doesn't want that from you.

Thus, yes, she's playing you. Further, no, you aren't going to "get what you want" from her.

Harry, end this ridiculous "relationship" and find something real and adult right where you are. Come on here! New Zealand is FULL of great women and you're hung up on someone who not only is using you for HER benefit but is thousands of miles away and can't give you what you want anyway.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”

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Dr. Dennis W. Neder


I'm able to answer any sort of question related to the approach, meeting people, dating, sex, relationships, break-ups, non-legal marriage and divorce questions, and anything in between. I've helped over 30,000 people with their individual issues. IMPORTANT: Please, PLEASE don't ask me, "what was he thinking..." or "why did he say..." types of questions! I DO NOT READ MINDS! There are 1,001 reasons why someone does what they do, says what they say or thinks what they think. If you *REALLY* want to know what they were thinking, saying or why they were acting that way - go ask them! Be sure to check out my FAQ's on my website at: You can email me directly at:


I am the author of the books "Being a Man in a Woman`s World I & II" and "1001 Places and Techniques to Meet Great Women" and 11 others. I`ve spent the last 20 years studying the art and science of every aspect of relationships, and have answered over 30,000 letters from readers all over the world. My main focus is men`s relationships with women, but I also have many female readers and answer questions for them regularly as well.

Doctor of Philosophy

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