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General Dating Questions/Ideal Timeframes of Romance, Courtship, Dating, Marriage

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QUESTION: Hello Dennis.

From your experience in life and the trends that you've seen:

At the beginning stages of dating, how often should a couple see each other? How many times a week is normal courtship. Dating once a week, twice a week, etc?

How long should a couple date before having sex?

How long should a couple date before they are exclusive? Meaning, dating only each other. Also, how many times a week should they date?

How long should a couple date before it's considered serious?

How long should a couple date before getting engaged to be married?

How long should a couple be engaged before the wedding?

Also, what about living together before marriage. Do you recommend this, or only after the engagement, and for how long should a couple live together before a commitment/proposal/wedding is expected?

I know every couple is different, but what are trends you've seen.

Thanks!
Ana

ANSWER: Hello Ana!

At the beginning stages of dating, how often should a couple see each other? How many times a week is normal courtship. Dating once a week, twice a week, etc?

I know every couple is different, but what are trends you've seen.
What is "normal", what is "common", what is "average" and what is recommended are all different things. There aren't really any good standards to use to determine how often you should be dating. I'd say (and it's based on little more than opinion) that dating between once every 2-3 weeks and 2-3 times a week is fine.

How long should a couple date before having sex?

It depends on many, many factors - how old are the people, what are their backgrounds, experience, expectations, etc.? There is no rule for this other than to say "as soon as possible - when they are both ready".

How long should a couple date before they are exclusive? Meaning, dating only each other. Also, how many times a week should they date?

Which couple? What situation? Again, no answer!

How long should a couple date before it's considered serious?

It's not about time at all. It's about commitment, goals and the individuals themselves.

How long should a couple date before getting engaged to be married?

See above. However, I personally believe that nobody should be thinking about marriage until they've spent at least a year together; at least 6 months of which they have lived together - and frankly, 2 years is far better, and then and ONLY then should they even consider getting engaged. That shouldn't be the goal at all.

How long should a couple be engaged before the wedding?

Six months to two years.

Also, what about living together before marriage. Do you recommend this, or only after the engagement, and for how long should a couple live together before a commitment/proposal/wedding is expected?

I highly recommend it but the "before marriage" part is incorrect. I don't think anyone should use a living-together arrangement as a specific step along the way to marriage. A couple should ONLY start thinking about marriage AFTER they've spent a year (or two) living together and only then, if it makes good, proper sense. By that I mean; getting married will somehow benefit the relationship - and they can clearly quantify what that benefit is.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
323.638.4145
http://beingaman.com
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you! Great answers.

If I'm not mistaken, you were married once. Did you live together before marriage?

Will you ever marry again? If yes, or if not, please explain?

thanks

ANSWER: Hello again Ana!

Yes, I've been married and yes, we lived together before it.

I'm not against marriage but I'm against getting married (for me or anyone) for the wrong reasons. Marriage isn't the relationship itself, it's a format of a relationship. There are many other formats that are just as valid and will usually fit better.

Just like I urge my clients and students, I have a short list of must-haves in order to date someone and these carry over into any relationship and beyond. To be brutally honest, there are extremely few western women today who measure up - and trust me, these aren't exactly "high standards".

If/when I meet a woman who fits these (pretty simple, pretty basic) standards, I'd certainly consider marriage if it fit within the context of what was best for both of us along with the relationship itself. I'd also consider any other relationship format that worked for us both.

Regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
323.638.4145
http://beingaman.com
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thanks.

What are your personal standards that a wan should have for dating, marriage, etc?

Answer
Hey Ana!

Why, do you want to date me? I don't share my standards in an open forum like this for a very large number of reasons. You can learn more about them through my books or through my live or online sessions.

More important, my standards don't necessarily relate to anyone else's. Each person needs to have their own. I sometimes get clients who have something like them but they tend toward the ridiculous rather than the practical. "Red hair" and "big boobs" are examples of completely worthless standards, (unless the guy has an incurable fetish and that's an entirely different issue).

With women, I tend to see lists of 50-100 or more things! Again, completely, utterly ridiculous! Further, they are more about what they don't want rather than what they do and are usually based on bad experiences with ex-boyfriends. That's not a very constructive (or effective) way to approaching who to date or get into a relationship with.

Suffice it to say that what western women are focused on today has almost nothing whatsoever to do with either good, healthy relationships OR what men really want. That's damned tragic in my opinion. Equally bad is that most men don't know how to ask for (and get) these things. Instead, they go from girl-to-girl hoping, wishing and praying - and usually being very disappointed.

Perhaps far, far worse is that most women today are constantly being told that they aren't the problem - it's the guys who are the problem - and thus, do nothing to fix any of this! Sheesh! What a mess.

Regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
323.638.4145
http://beingaman.com
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”

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Dr. Dennis W. Neder

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I'm able to answer any sort of question related to the approach, meeting people, dating, sex, relationships, break-ups, non-legal marriage and divorce questions, and anything in between. I've helped over 30,000 people with their individual issues. IMPORTANT: Please, PLEASE don't ask me, "what was he thinking..." or "why did he say..." types of questions! I DO NOT READ MINDS! There are 1,001 reasons why someone does what they do, says what they say or thinks what they think. If you *REALLY* want to know what they were thinking, saying or why they were acting that way - go ask them! Be sure to check out my FAQ's on my website at: http://beingaman.com. You can email me directly at: dwneder@beingaman.com.

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I am the author of the books "Being a Man in a Woman`s World I & II" and "1001 Places and Techniques to Meet Great Women" and 11 others. I`ve spent the last 20 years studying the art and science of every aspect of relationships, and have answered over 30,000 letters from readers all over the world. My main focus is men`s relationships with women, but I also have many female readers and answer questions for them regularly as well.

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Doctor of Philosophy

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