General Dating Questions/Communication

Advertisement


Question
I have been dating a guy exclusively for about 15 months -- we were friends for about 4-5 years prior. We have different styles of communicating but his drives me nutty!

We talk daily (more often than not) but he has a habit of "disappearing" and not letting me know -- he won't contact me for several days. About a month ago we both decided to try to be more communicative but a few days later, he pulled the disappearing act! During the July 4th holiday I let him know I was angry with him for doing the same thing he just agreed not to do. The next day he went out of town for 2 weeks without so much as a word. I called, emailed, texted and got no response for several days. Then he replied saying he couldn't talk because he's out of town celebrating his birthday with some friends. I only found this out after many desperate attempts to reach him (I didn't know if something had happened or if this way his way of breaking up with me). He responded and said we were fine and he'll talk to me when he gets back. Naturally it made me angry and hurt that he resorted to the same behavior he said days before he'd change. I don't suspect him of cheating at all and he was this way when we were just friends.

I don't know how to address this most recent 2 week disappearing act without getting yelling and making him defensive. How can I get him to understand that I don't agree with this behavior without making it seem like I'm attacking him? I don't want to argue and I don't want to make him defensive.

Answer
the bigger question is, why are you even WITH someone this inconsiderate and disrespectful? his "single guy" lifestyle, which certainly can include other women, shows this relationship isn't that important to him, and worse, he KNOWS that you're not goin anywhere despite his ridiculous behavior; yet here you are, worried about "attacking"him/making him "defensive"...really, there's no valid defense here, just stupid excuses;

the way to change this, if you truly want to, is with changing your behavior; you have 3 choices; 1st, stop communicating with him for 2 weeks, so he knows what it feels like; 2d, INFORM him what your REQUIREMENTS are for you to continue in the relationships, or you're out; 3rd, if he were the guy for you, steps 1 and 2 would never be necessary...this realization would lead to ending this addiction, rebuilding your self-esteem, and finding a guy that can love and respect you...

General Dating Questions

All Answers


Answers by Expert:


Ask Experts

Volunteer


Azure

Expertise

expertise: over 7000 questions answered...B.A. Psychology Bates College;graduate study, Fordham Univ. School Social Work; technical editor, "dating for dummies", 2d edition, by dr joy browne; thoughtful consideration of your question, then insightful advice about love,romance and related issues given in an objective, non-judgmental manner...over 20 years of personal experience in both short and long term relationships...longer term consultations are available upon request...life experience: personal involvement in many relationships where issues of love, sex, intimacy, trust, etc., had to be dealt with and resolved...just having "experiences", however, isn`t enough...it`s the thoughtful reflection upon and analysis of what happened and why, that leads to learning and enlightenment...so tell me what`s on your mind and i`ll try to help, or tell you if i can`t...thanks

Experience

Over 20 years personal experience in dating, including both short and long-term relationships.Thoughtful reflection and analysis upon same, as well as providing imput relating to issues of love and romance to friends and acquaintances.

BA, Psychology, Bates College, Lewiston, Me. Graduate study at Fordham University School of Social Work.

Life experience can really be the only teacher in this area; however going through the experience is not enough. What is necessary is a real awareness, sensitivity to, and reflection upon what has happened, what has been lost, what has been gained. Getting beyond one's own insecurities and subjectivities, and seeing the experience in the context of the bigger picture, are essential stepping stones to learning and loving...ps..azure announces CT matchmaking service..for more, go to wishuponastar-ct.com

Education/Credentials
see above..

©2016 About.com. All rights reserved.