General Dating Questions/Confused/Crush
QUESTION: Hello Mike,
There's this girl I have been talking to for a about a month or 2. We would text each other for hours each day. I finally decided to ask her out and Monday we had our first date. The entire time leading up to the date she would constantly message me and tell me how excited she was and how much she was looking forward to our date. When we finally met up that Monday she hugged me. I wasn't expecting that. We went out to eat she drove I don't have a car at the moment I'll have mine back in about a month. After we went out to eat she took me and showed me the house she grew up in as kid. We then went back to my place. I was a complete gentleman so I didn't try to get in her pants, make a move, or anything like that. We talked and I showed her around she saw my music equipment and had me play violin for her. We then talked some more she stayed at my place for about 4 hours. She hugged me again before she left I walked her to her car and we hugged once more we talked for a few minutes longer and I gave her $20 gas money. She said she'll take it this time and but not next time this will be for both. She then asked me for another hug. I thought the date went well. I messaged her a few hours after our date and thanked her for spending her time with me. I also told her I had a great time and that she was good company. She replied thanks for listening to me babble. I messaged her the next day asking her if she would like to have a picnic date at the park. She replied "I'm so sorry I will be out of town by then :-( I'll be in Ohio at cedar point. for my friends birthday" We shared a few more messages and she revealed she didn't really feel like talking. She said she had just gotten off the phone with her lawyer and he refused to take her case because she didn't stand a chance at winning. She lost custody of her son a few weeks back that much I do know is true. Shes been trying to retrial it to no avail. She asked if she could message me when she calms down. I told her yeah of course and told her sending many hugs your way. I also sent her the info to some other legal counsel who might take her case. She thanked me for my support and told me how kind I was to help her. I haven't heard from her since. What should I do? I sent a message Thursday but it was just a generic "Hi" She never responded which is unlike her. She also posted on her facebook today talking about how she's excited for Cedar Point next weekend ... I'm a bit suspicious now seeing as how she told me she'd be there today... What do you think I should do? What is the best way to proceed? I honestly like her and care about.
ANSWER: Thank-you for your question. I know where you are coming from, and I believe you when you say that you like and care about her. Unfortunately, I will explain to you why you most likely chased this girl away, and what you can do with the next one to improve your chances of success.
Your missteps here are as follows: 1) you reached out to her too many times via text in between dates, 2) You text her to say you had a good time on the date immediately afterward, 3) you hung out with her for far too long for a first date, and 4) you were overly nice and helpful to someone who is essentially stranger to you by giving her that legal advice. These in no way are meant to sound overly harsh. I believe in being real with the guys I help in order for them to see real improvements and real results. Now, it wasnít all bad. I give you points for being a gentleman and not trying to be sexual with her straight out of the gate like many men do. Keep being a gentleman at all times, but remember that a gentleman not only respects women but respects himself and his time as well.
I see this situation pop up with more and more frequency now that texting has become the norm. You have got to learn to stay off your cell phone in between dates. Simply put, it kills the mystery for the girl, and her interest level in you will begin to fall slowly but surely the more you contact her in between dates. I have seen it a thousand times at least! You my friend need to learn how to be more of a Challenge. A man who is overly available comes off as desperate in a womanís eyes, even if you are not in reality. This is how they will perceive you and in the beginning stages of dating, perception is everything!
When it comes to weekends, you are busy, so make yourself busy with friends or family. Friday and Saturday are off limits for dates and for communication until/unless she becomes your girlfriend. Simple rule to follow. Sundays are OK in a pinch. STOP texting, especially just to say hi. The phone is to be used to setup dates ONLY and that is it.
Meet her for coffee or ice cream; something low key and low pressure. Have a date and time in mind, pick up the phone, ask for the date, get off the phone. If she doesnít pick up, you leave 1 message and wait for her to call you back. If she doesnít call you back, you can try her a week later with the same protocol. If she still doesnít schedule the date by then, sheís out! If she has genuine interest level in you, she will either pick up the phone and make herself available to meet for the date or she will offer a counter of when she can do the date. (You have to be careful with when they counter though if itís for a weekend, you are busy remember? But Sunday is OK). Seems simple and logical because it is. If she insists on texting you in between dates, tell her itís nice to hear from her and that you look forward to continuing the conversation when you see her in person next for your date; leave it at that.
She told you that she would contact you after things calmed down. Normally, this means you are on the way out. Women with high interest levels donít need time and space from you, but she has a lot going on in her life so we may be able to give her the benefit of the doubt. Then again, she essentially told you a lie about her schedule to avoid a date with you which is a big red flag. My advice is to not contact her for at least an entire week, maybe two. Then you can CALL her on the phone to setup another date. If she fumbles her words and cannot give you a straight answer, itís time to move on. Good luck!
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QUESTION: Thank you for your help and the response. I'm glad I'm not the only one who thought she lied about her weekend plans. I do have one more question. How should I handle the matter of the date she said yes to but don't set it in stone? We are suppose to meet on Wednesday. Should I call her sometime on Tuesday to confirm?
ANSWER: Iím glad my response was helpful. I threw a lot of information at you all at once, so if you need to elaborate on anything, do let me know.
What you will learn about setting up dates is that there is no such thing as a ďmaybeĒ date when a girl has high interest level in you. In the future, if a girl is unable to give you a definite yes for your date, tell her you will call her again when her schedule is tighter, then call her back a week later and try again. If the same thing happens, sheís out!
Since you did not setup the date definitively, you have no real choice but to call her to confirm. My hunch is that she will say she is busy or give you some other illegitimate excuse. If she does, time to move on my friend. Remember, you wonít need to call and confirm a date when the girl has high interest level in you and therefore wants to be there with you!
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QUESTION: Ok so I called her like you said and I received no answer. After what you told me I was expecting as much. I left a voice mail telling her I was calling to confirm whether we were meeting or not. I figured I wouldn't hear from her or if I did she'd use her interview on Wednesday to decline. I saw see posted on facebook monday that she had got an interview wednesday. She didn't call back but she texted the following.
Her- We can hangout wednesday but I have an interview at 2 that day.
me- Ok so what meeting time works best for you?
her- I don't care as long as I can make my interview at 2
me- Ok lets meet at 11. We can go to the park for a lil bit and then grab lunch and that way you can still make your interview.
her- ok thanks :))
me- No problem see you at 11 tomorrow ttyl
her- Ok see you! :-)
Hmm what do you think? I honestly don't know anymore? I mean if she didn't have at least some interest why would she be willing to drive 20 minutes to see me? If she does actually show up tomorrow. Do you have any advice on how to make it go well? In the past when we were texting back when she was living in Cali I told her I had a crush on her etc. and she said she does/did have one on me but she didn't know what she coould do about it now because she was in cali. Then she decided to move back and that's when I asked her on the date. Yes said yes and kept going on and on about how excited and happy she was and it was the only bright spot she had in her life. we were texting like crazy then until after our first date and all that drama went down in her life.
So how did the date go? Remember what I told you about text? She is trying to control the situation. If she doesnít talk to you on the phone, you cannot hear the inflections in her voice or if she stumbles in giving you a real answer to your dating proposition. That why it is crucial to get them on the phone so you can read between the lines. Also, next time you go to set up a date with someone, already have the time and place picked out, donít ask her what time you should meet. Women like it when men lead. If she canít make the time youíve chosen, she will let you know and you can adjust accordingly.
You see, some interest is OK, but we want to find women who have HIGH interest level in us out of the gate. There are things to look at when on dates we call buying signals. This is when she makes an effort to physically touch you in some way, talks about doing future activities together (this is a big one), asks you personal questions, etc. Only you are on the dates which means only you can gauge how many of these things she did or didnít do.