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QUESTION: Hi Dennis

Hounding you at this stage, forgive me! Your advice is just what I need to hear & very helpful.

A new picture (must not be from the same night, can see she's in another dress) has been put up in her profile picture, of again the 2 of them. To be fare, they both do look lovely, do you still agree on the remark you made to the other pictures? about needing see action & reactions & that? Attached the new picture.....it looks to me, he's very,very happy.

You said in your last email "If you get in there however you can help him to see what's real and what's not. But you can't do that by playing games, hinting, hiding, etc. That's when he'll fall right back into the sanctuary of his "relationship" ". The thing is though he works in my local supermarket, the chances of us seeing one another, never mind chatting would be sadly slim to none, not much hope of it happening. His facebook last time I saw it, he's looks to be job hunting but how things are here in Ireland. Mite not be that easy to get a new one. Maybe still working away in my local supermarket, wouldn't know for sure.

So the only way of getting a hold of him, is by text, what can be said with out be seen as needy, pest etc..?
What can I do to  prevent me from not hidding etc... He heard from back in February & after that, not at all. Wouldn't that from his prospective, seen as, not interest in him? They say, if a guy is interested in you, he will find a way to get back in touch....& he hasn't. He is a thinker "will I, won't I" kind of guy shy & abite uncomfortable in his own skin....

If I didn't fall in love with the guy, would let him be.....but I have!

Thanks so much & again real appreciate your advice

ANSWER: Hello Julie-Ann!

If texting is your only means of contacting him (of course, you obviously have his number...hmmm... what else could you possibly used that for I wonder??) then that's what you have to use. Just know that it's the weakest possible option.

You'll be seen as a pest if you aren't clear and specific and direct. If you play games with him or are vague, then, yes, you'll come off as a pest.

I don't know who "they" are; but here's the reality: guys chase availability. We often go for what's in front of us - not at all what's hidden. That's why it's damned stupid for women to play hard-to-get. That just makes her easy-to-forget.

Regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
323.638.4145
http://beingaman.com
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi Dennis

Texting him would be the last thing, I'd want to be doing If can, to bump able to bump into him.
It would feel a lot more comfortable organize sitting  down with him with few drinks & good chat. Which I attempted back in February....Should I try again?   His dating profile is still up for me to contact. He may not know that through facebook I found out, never mentioned back then, that I use or have a facebook page ( who doesn't these days).

haha!! I see your hinting at using his number in an  another way i.e. Ring him instead. Does come across much better, but again it's the whole avoiding being a pest. And the not knowing, how he'd take it.....

I wouldn't be trying to be hard to get just, don't know how to be going in the right direction. As you mention Guy's & girls think & see things differently.

Q: What would you put down in words, that is seen as clear & direct relating to this, by text ?  have an idea, but would be interested to hear it from man....

My circumstances (Availability)  has improved but, as fare as he knows, My situation from  back then was my Dad was ill (Motor neuron disease) Mum past when I was 21 fire broke out & it's unkown of my dad's life span told him could be a year. And I was seeking for a job at that time.

I lived back then, with my Dad & brother so, in his mind possibility but there wasn't a hint of that being a issue,as fare as I know from him. He might have seen me  as looking after my dad . Wasn't the case though, minders came in to look after my dad but he wouldn't know, never got a chance yo explain. My CURRENT situation now is, much better in terms of availability... Wouldn't be sure my situation back then, was an issue for him (seen as unavailable)  or not. My Dad is now living in a care home that look after all his needs & I wouldn't be the looking after him. I've gone to College (That's he does know) to do a course (full time year course) & know I'm house hunting. That is to say, renting a place from people that are looking for a person to rent a room in their home.

His reasons given, did not touch on my circumstances... For him, not having time to date (busy at work) his granddad was ill & not being ready to date again.(was in 5year relationship before & 7 mouths after we then met). Currently now, he is keeping a look out for a new job & considering doing a course ( you only turn to a course if your not have luck find work) Currently I would take it he's still working in my local supermarket. Which would be still for him very busy & rushing around & in the same routen..

Weekend for him was, recovering from a hectic week in work i.e. chilling out attending to his motorcycle or going out in it with his brothers, going to clubs/bars or catching up on sleep from a busy week & getting prepared for going back to work (he's marketing/products). During the week in work can be very busy day after day & not getting enough sleep when he comes home he's juggling paper work & eating his dinner & maybe catch a sort nap, likes his time to recover from work

Q: So from that, if he's not able to joggle work with it being busy, & needing weekends to recover. Wouldn't taking a 2hours 10mins drive be that last thing you'd be waiting to do?  Really you wouldn't want  to be doing that every weekend or be able to too.

In terms of her being available, wouldn't sound as that, as she has 3-4 kids from previous marriage. Which didn't come across to me he'd be into taking on also.May be still working if not joggling minding her kids & doing school runs & attending this & that & now having them of school for the summer. she wouldn't  be able to be getting into the car to travel to Dublin. If so, would think to be very slim.

Q; wouldn't that sound not available?  She has a lot to being doing,herself.

She's Living fare away, has kids from other marriage & maybe still working .If not  just minding yr own kids, is a stressful job in it's self time consuming. (literally rooted in where she lives) She's Not single (not single before, was  married with kids from that marriage)  

my past circumstance that he know of aren't very different to her currently. And that's why meeting up for drinks & chatting would be brilliant & better option'

Q: Wouldn't I sound more available? Living so near by, single  & with no kids.

Thanks so much, Dennis

ANSWER: Hello again Julie-Ann!

I'm a little unclear as to your first question: what would I put in a text about what? If you want to contact him to spend some time together just ask: "Hey! Let's have a drink and catch up. Which is better for you, Thursday or Saturday?" [or whenever].

No, I wouldn't want to be driving 2 hours and 10 minutes both ways every weekend. (Really??? Really Julie-Ann?? That's what you want to know???)

You're getting into the pen-pal vein here. I'm not your girlfriend. I'm not your pen-pal. I don't answer speculative questions and I don't read minds. If you have specific questions about specific things I can help you. If you just want to "explore possibilities" then you can buy some personal coaching time from my website and we can get into it.

Regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
323.638.4145
http://beingaman.com
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi Dennis

No, I completely understand, just found your  advice to very helpful more so then when I was on here a good few months back. Yes, that's what I asking about  in what to put in the text to him & thanks for what you suggested.

Would not  be into the 2hrs &10mins myself, but I'd say he stays over night & the next day, drive back home, was thinking after. His Dad lives in Wicklow which the 2nd county down from Dublin, you'd be looking at 1 hour's drive.

Q: You'd still see that as "no difference"  at all between 2hrs or only 1hr.

I'd be only peculating but thought, they might organise meeting half way to make it easier.

Q: Would you still agree to it not being "serious relationship"  if that's what they may organise to do?

Appreciate you answering all my questions, must be driving you mad..

Regaurds crazy obsessed lady from Ireland...Julie-ann

Answer
Hey Julie-Ann!

I classify anything over an hour's travel time as "long distance" and I feel the same way about most long-distance relationships.

A relationship that is long-distance isn't "serious" per se, but will almost always be considered such by the people in one. They don't realize that their feelings are based on a fantasy - not reality. Thus, to them (from their perspective) it's "serious". To me, it's fantasy.

Regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
323.638.4145
http://beingaman.com
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”

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Dr. Dennis W. Neder

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I'm able to answer any sort of question related to the approach, meeting people, dating, sex, relationships, break-ups, non-legal marriage and divorce questions, and anything in between. I've helped over 30,000 people with their individual issues. IMPORTANT: Please, PLEASE don't ask me, "what was he thinking..." or "why did he say..." types of questions! I DO NOT READ MINDS! There are 1,001 reasons why someone does what they do, says what they say or thinks what they think. If you *REALLY* want to know what they were thinking, saying or why they were acting that way - go ask them! Be sure to check out my FAQ's on my website at: http://beingaman.com. You can email me directly at: dwneder@beingaman.com.

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I am the author of the books "Being a Man in a Woman`s World I & II" and "1001 Places and Techniques to Meet Great Women" and 11 others. I`ve spent the last 20 years studying the art and science of every aspect of relationships, and have answered over 30,000 letters from readers all over the world. My main focus is men`s relationships with women, but I also have many female readers and answer questions for them regularly as well.

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Doctor of Philosophy

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