General Dating Questions/Guy's prospective

Advertisement


Question
QUESTION: Dear Dr Neder

I dated a guy while back but ended up braking up, due to his job being busy & things happening at him. As well as, he was just out of a 5 year relationship & wasn't ready. Months later he's now dating someone else, had mentioned I had gone back College & if he had thought of asking me out,may of thought I'd to busy as your taking your college work home & kind of takes over your weekend. Can't be 100% but maybe, we met on a dating site & see his profile is still up on the dating site we met on. But he's dating this other girl since February. Are dates back then went really well we click we chatted away no quite moments, he even remark out chilled it was. Why would his profile be still up? If it was a serious relationship would you take it down? He would be receiving emails to when if girls on the dating site came across him. If I was still his girl & saw he's still on a dating site would be good at all. Don't get me wrong he's a lovely guy just puzzled. Was thinking, haven't met his brother (that lives with him)but was thinking of dropping him a message on Facebook. Just to see if Stephens serious or not is it going well for him. With yourself being a guy, would that be a wrong move to make, sending message to his brother. would that bother guys to have a date from the past contact their brother to enquire? Thanks so much

ANSWER: Hello Julie-Ann!

Being a guy and without knowing his specific situation I can only answer this from a personal perspective. I don't/can't speak for him all of maledom.

I'd prefer you just contact me directly and not involve my family.

Regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
323.638.4145
http://beingaman.com
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi Dr Neder

Did you mean to say, you'd prefer I'd just contact him directly & not involve his family? I see you put in your message back to me,I'd prefer you just contact me directly and not involve my family? Thank you for your reply, as you mentioned in your reply as I take it. For me to contact him, to find out how it is for him. As I would like to do that,do you think  that would be the right move? As I was thinking of contacting him & in September after being in contact with him & then not hearing from him.

Only to find out,that time in September(that past) that he lost my number & others due to getting a new phone. Instead me asking him would he be into dating again,I didn't & instead possibly  made myself sound busy. He was single for a very long time, but come February (this year) I texted him about going out for drinks. Just he just met this girl (just thought I'd get him at the early,just met the girl) so could he of not been able to decide back then, cause just met her & didn't want to make things complicated for himself. He's still with her, if it is serious or not relationship.

Q: My question is,So just because he's dating her since Feb - up to now doesn't mean it's serious? It's a long distance relationship & from knowing him I think thats how it's lasted up to this point.

Q; At this point with time gone by, would I make a fool out myself, at this stage of again contacting him. Or it's no harm,possibly not an issue for him to hear from me again. He could think I didn't care,  seeing that his facebook picture has her in it now.

Q; If you yourself, had met someone one & a date from the past contacted you after some time. To inquire if it your in a serous relationship or not, would you think badly of this person?

Thanks so much, appreciate honest opinion, your thoughts on this. Julie-ann

ANSWER: Hello again Julie-Ann!

No, I'm saying I'd prefer you contact ME directly. As I said before, I can't speak for him or all of maledom as I don't know him - or very man alive.

But, stop and think about that for a moment. Why wouldn't you contact the person you're interested in rather than going through someone else? Do you think it's safer? (It's not.) Do you think it makes you potentially more attractive to the guy? (It doesn't.)

The key to dealing with us guys is actually pretty simple: be direct, clear and specific. Don't imply or assume that we can read your minds (we can't). Don't make subtle little gestures thinking we'll just get it (we won't).

To your questions:

No long-distance relationship is "serious". It's fantasy - pure and simple. It doesn't really exist but within his head. It's not real. I'm assuming you're not long-distance and can offer him something far more important - a REAL relationship.

No, as long as you don't try to play games with him and and up-front about things, you won't make a fool of yourself. Consider this: what's wrong with being attracted to someone? What's the big deal? In fact, it's a compliment! You like whom you like. It's not like it's some violent crime or anything. If you haven't contacted him, that's exactly what he thinks - that you aren't interested.

No, I wouldn't think badly about this person in the least! Of course, I'd ask them, "why did you wait so long?" That doesn't necessarily mean I was attracted to them either, but it certainly opens up the possibility.

Regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
323.638.4145
http://beingaman.com
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

Him & the new girl
Him & the new girl  

Them with eveyone else
Them with eveyone else  
QUESTION: Thanks so much for that, Dennis. That's great advice,I may a bite more. Yes, I live about latterly 12 mins maybe 20 mins from where he lives, in Dublin Ireland. The long distance relationship is about (Dublin to Waterford) 2 hours 10mins she'd be from Waterford here in Ireland. Would you still agree, still say, "No long-distance relationship is "serious". Their  not in different countries, only 2hrs & few away from one another.  

I was puzzled, if it was serious relationship or what it was, she has pictures of herself with him sitting together & companyed  by  her  aunty & uncle. And then his Brother & his brothers girlfriend. Out having few drinks, what why would that look to you?

Then to see he has a new facebook profile picture taken from the night out,when they were out all together but this one was of them & together & same on her page. Why would a guy put up a picture of his new relationship if it wasn't serious?

I noticed when it was announced on his FB page he's "In a relationship" she then followed on her FB page. But since the pictures went up, the "In a relationship" was taken of both of there sites & only pictures remaining in their profile picture.

I've attached two pictures & what do you think to his body language?

What do you advice from yourself being a guy, in terms of putting in my text to send him. Want to be clear & direct but respectful, cause he is a really nice guy plus he work near where I live. What way should I put my text to a guy thats dating someone?   Thanks so much, for answering all of this...

Answer
Hey Julie-Ann!

Anything longer than 1-hour-access is "long-distance". Think about that. When something important happens in someone's life, you can't "be right there". That makes it long-distance.

There's a ton of psychology in this I won't bore you with; but understand that to him it feels "real" simply because he senses it. That's the worst part of LDR's. They fool a person into thinking it's real and thus, they react to it like that.

If you get in there however you can help him to see what's real and what's not. But you can't do that by playing games, hinting, hiding, etc. That's when he'll fall right back into the sanctuary of his "relationship".

As far as his body language, it can't be read from static pictures like this. They are instants in time - not actions or reactions. Thus, they tell me nothing.

As far as contacting him, I'd say avoid the texts other than to set something up if you have to. He's close enough that anything you do should be in person - in contrast to this ridiculous LDR he has.

Regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
323.638.4145
http://beingaman.com
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”

General Dating Questions

All Answers


Answers by Expert:


Ask Experts

Volunteer


Dr. Dennis W. Neder

Expertise

I'm able to answer any sort of question related to the approach, meeting people, dating, sex, relationships, break-ups, non-legal marriage and divorce questions, and anything in between. I've helped over 30,000 people with their individual issues. IMPORTANT: Please, PLEASE don't ask me, "what was he thinking..." or "why did he say..." types of questions! I DO NOT READ MINDS! There are 1,001 reasons why someone does what they do, says what they say or thinks what they think. If you *REALLY* want to know what they were thinking, saying or why they were acting that way - go ask them! Be sure to check out my FAQ's on my website at: http://beingaman.com. You can email me directly at: dwneder@beingaman.com.

Experience

I am the author of the books "Being a Man in a Woman`s World I & II" and "1001 Places and Techniques to Meet Great Women" and 11 others. I`ve spent the last 20 years studying the art and science of every aspect of relationships, and have answered over 30,000 letters from readers all over the world. My main focus is men`s relationships with women, but I also have many female readers and answer questions for them regularly as well.

Education/Credentials
Doctor of Philosophy

©2016 About.com. All rights reserved.