General Dating Questions/Why do guys say hurtful things?
Why do teenage boys say things like "She's so annoying" and "She's crazy"?
This guy says mean or hurtful things to his guy friends and tells his best friends who are girls that he doesn't want to hangout with me anymore.
But when I confronted him he said that he never said that he didn't want to hangout anymore, and that he does he's just really busy (which is true for both of us). I didn't confront him about what he said behind my back to his guy friends, but he texts me and flirts and acts nice and normal and tells me he wants to hangout so I don't get it. Why would he tell people he doesn't associate with me, but then talk to me and continue to want to hangout?
I understand if he doesn't want to hangout and hookup anymore, but I want him to tell me, or be honest with me if I ask. How can I get him to tell me the truth about how he feels about me?
Well, let me ask you this: why do girls say mean things like this?
What you're looking for isn't the truth. Consider that maybe you actually are crazy! (I can't possibly tell from this distance.) What you're looking for is resolution (closure) and I'm afraid to say that you almost never get that.
There are a lot of things in life you're just going to have to accept at face value. Some of these things include the fact that your feelings are going to get hurt by other people even when they don't intend to do so and that you so rarely ever get closure as to consider it impossible.
Let me offer a couple of ideas however to your questions:
First, you don't really want a truly "honest and open" relationship. Everybody claims they do but that's a lie we tell ourselves and others. What you really want is for someone to make it easy for you to know what's on their mind (so that YOU don't have to take any risks) but for you to get to hold back what you don't want to say. Not only is that entirely unreasonable, it's unfair; bordering on psycopathic. Every time people try to actually do this, it all comes crashing down - and for a very large number of reasons! Just consider the distance between this boy's words ("she's crazy") and your interpretation ("he doesn't like me"). That's not what he means at all! I sincerely doubt that he's a mental health professional and thus, is qualified to say you're crazy, and the fact that he continues to see you tells you that he must like you in some way.
Thus, how would you ever actually GET that "honesty" or "openness"? Every single thing you hear is already clouded by your interpretation - one where your ego and self-image are struggling to keep from being hurt, and thus, you choose to interpret things as being hurtful even when they aren't.
With that said, what you want (and believe me, it's VERY, VERY difficult to get - it takes many years of work on yourself before you can even come close) is to have a relationship where you or your partner can say anything you feel *AND* that it won't get blown out of proportion into something it's not. Then, you can both deal with it in a frank, mature, *NON-EMOTIONAL* way.
Let's be honest here: you can't do that - yet. If you could, you wouldn't be writing to me with this question.
That doesn't mean however that you shouldn't aspire to have that form of relationship. You can - and should. So, focus on yourself and get to work so that your future relationships can be like that.
Dr. Dennis W. Neder
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”