General Dating Questions/Jealous boyfriend

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Question
Hello,

I have been dating my boyfriend for exactly one year now. He's 22 and I'm 21. The past 5ish months he's been getting ridiculously and irrationally jealous, insecure, and indirectly controlling. After a couple weeks of this, he admitted to me that he cheated on me 3 months after we started dating officially. Around that same time, I would go days without hearing from him and he was all around a sh*tty boyfriend for a couple months. The girl he cheated on me with was a random girl at a party whose last name/number he still doesn't know and he hasn't seen or contacted her since.

But anyways, he regrets it an unbelievable amount. He said that at the beginning of our relationship he didn't really take it seriously and still wanted that "single" lifestyle without actually being single. Now, he's fallen in love with me and doesn't want to lose me. I know he loves me and has made an effort to show me that he would never do it again. I trust him. But he doesn't fully trust me. After what he did, he's terrified that I'm gonna do the same thing to him, since it was so easy for him to do in the past and he worries that I'm going to cheat on him out of revenge. Which I've told him so many times that I would never do. What he did has made him insecure and he will ask me a million questions about something I'm doing, sometimes even if it's just me going to class or something. And when I do something that he can possibly get insecure about, like going out with friends, his entire attitude will change and then deny that anything's wrong. He'll admit it later, but in the moment he'll say that he's fine even when he's CLEARLY not, which frustrates me even more and makes me feel like the bad guy for "accusing" him of acting weird. I'm in college, and a lot of guys hit on me and he knows it, but I never flirt back or even respond to guys so he has nothing to worry about. It just makes me feel uptight around him, like if I say the "wrong" thing it'll make him suspicious and cause a problem. I've stopped going out as much to avoid his attitude changes/questions. He's never directly told me to not do something, but his actions and tone and everything makes me want t just avoid doing certain things that I know will "trigger" his jealous thoughts. He's never been abusive nor has he ever directly ACCUSED me of anything. It's just how his tone and mood changes, like I said. We've had countless fights about it and it's been better at times and worse at times. It's made me start to resent him, and I don't want that because I do love him so much, and I know how wonderful of a person he is when he's not having these jealous thoughts.

I want to save our relationship because we have SO much fun when we're together (we're long distance, he lives about an hour and a half away and we see each other 1-2 times a week on our off days). Is this relationship worth saving, and if so, how? I've proved to him so many times that I love him and that he can trust me, but that only goes so far :( please please help me. Thanks so much x

Answer
Hello Sarah!

Well then, here's the very clear, very specific problem: you're long distance. The *ONLY* answer to solve this is to actually move closer to each other.

Sarah, there's no magic tricks here. The sad, consistent, permeating reality is: LDR's simply never work out and you're only now beginning to figure out why. There are so many problems with them and the jealousy thing is just the beginning. Further, my clients find that the damage they do is so incredible, so indelible, so dramatic that it often takes years to correct, get over and to move on.

Stop and think about this for a moment: if you and he were closer, you could just hop in your car or call Uber and you'd be there to see what's up. You can't do that now. How will either of you EVER have that access? Answer: you can't.

The very next time you're sleeping or in the shower and he texts you and you don't text back immediately, he's going to assume you're with some other guy - every single time! Can you imagine how exhausting it's going to be trying to keep all of that up?

Further, here you are in college - this is the very time you SHOULD be meeting all kinds of guys and building all those skills you're going to need through the rest of your life! But, what are you doing? You're instead, stuck in a ridiculous LDR (which frankly, is a fantasy in and of itself - you both are only getting mostly just the best of each other - neither of you REALLY know who the other is because you don't get to see that day in and day out) trying to hold it together when in fact, it's a complete waste of your time.

I'm sorry to tell you this, this isn't a fix short of moving closer. You both are losing a ton of opportunities while doing a lot of harm to yourselves here.

Regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
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BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
323.638.4145
http://beingaman.com
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”

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Dr. Dennis W. Neder

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I'm able to answer any sort of question related to the approach, meeting people, dating, sex, relationships, break-ups, non-legal marriage and divorce questions, and anything in between. I've helped over 30,000 people with their individual issues. IMPORTANT: Please, PLEASE don't ask me, "what was he thinking..." or "why did he say..." types of questions! I DO NOT READ MINDS! There are 1,001 reasons why someone does what they do, says what they say or thinks what they think. If you *REALLY* want to know what they were thinking, saying or why they were acting that way - go ask them! Be sure to check out my FAQ's on my website at: http://beingaman.com. You can email me directly at: dwneder@beingaman.com.

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I am the author of the books "Being a Man in a Woman`s World I & II" and "1001 Places and Techniques to Meet Great Women" and 11 others. I`ve spent the last 20 years studying the art and science of every aspect of relationships, and have answered over 30,000 letters from readers all over the world. My main focus is men`s relationships with women, but I also have many female readers and answer questions for them regularly as well.

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Doctor of Philosophy

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