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General Dating Questions/Is he interested or not

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QUESTION: Dear Dr Neder,
I (age 27) am currently single living in Australia and my parents matched me with a guy (age 29) from New Zealand through the matrimonial section of the newspaper. After sending him my photo and number, he started messaging me. However, the problem is that he doesn’t message me frequently – sometimes he’d message me instantly for a couple of times but most of the time I’m left hanging for a couple of days for a response. When we do message, it flows quite nicely. After a month of messaging back and forth, he came to our house with his parents to meet me. I didn’t think anything went wrong that day and all of us got along quite well. He stayed in Sydney for 2 days more and flew back to NZ. I was hoping that atleast in 1 of those days he’d want to hang out with me in person, so I jokingly insinuated this to him, and he said “I’d love to meet up with you in person like normal people, without parents, but timing might be an issue”, as he was thinking of changing his flight schedules for work purposes. But he said he’ll try. The following day I got a message saying that he flew back to NZ. I was quite disappointed he didn’t try hard enough to ask me out on a date. Following this, I didn’t message him for a week, as I was unsure whether he was interested in me or not. But I thought I should atleast send him a reply saying thanks for coming. He then instantly replied back, and the conversation kept going back and forth for about an hour. Then again, he reverted to ignoring me again and replying back in 2-4 days. After a week, his parents sent us an email saying his horoscope matches with mine (I’m not saying I believe in those things but the point is that if his parents must have sent that email with his approval, and if he approved he must be interested). Anyway, I was getting quite frustrated at his lack of communication. I’m not the type to bombard his phone with “why didn’t you text me” messages, if at all, I may have double-messaged him twice when he ignored me for 3 days. But I wanted to be direct, and said “hey I think we should improve our communication because so far it’s been pretty bad”. He responded almost immediately, saying “sorry I’m not a big texter” and “you were wearing such and such earrings, what’s the story with that”, which left me in owe, because, he remembered such minor details of my clothing attire from 2 weeks ago. But again, he’s gone silent, and hasn’t messaged me for 2 days now. Fair enough if he’s not a big texter, but he should atleast suggest an alternative if that’s the case. We live in 2 different countries so it’s not like we can meet up. So I don’t know what’s going on. Is he interested or not, and how can I get him to chase me? At first, I admit that I felt quite infatuated with him when he was aloof, no matter how much I hated being ignored, but now I’m irritated and disappointed. I’ve been going through emotional roller coasters. I honestly don’t like playing the cool girl and waiting around for him to message me once or twice a week, because if this turns into a relationship I’m worried this behaviour will persist and that I’ll be hurt. I want him to pursue me but I don’t know how to. Please let me know what i should do.
Cheers
Vihara

ANSWER: Hello Vihara!

He hasn't texted you back after 2 days? Doesn't he know how long that is in girl-years???

Kidding, obviously.

Vihara, you're putting way to much emphasis and (frankly) importance on texting! I get that you want to be in regular communication with him, but while trying to get your needs met, you're also pushing him away by denying his.

I've talked to a lot of men and women about this. When I ask women how often they should hear from someone how is at a distance, the most common answer is "only about once a day" - and to you that sounds completely reasonable.

When I ask men the same question the answer is usually "Oh, about once or twice a week".

Wow! What a difference!

What you're trying to do is to hold the relationship via texting. Honestly, that can't happen. Instead, he's going to get (if he hasn't already) so frustrated he's going to pull back even farther until you become just a distant memory.

Thus, I have two pieces of advice for you:

1) Let go of the texting already! Understand that if you text him something and he replies, great! If you don't hear from him for a week, it's NOT A BIG DEAL and doesn't mean your relationship is dead or dying. It's just how us guys are and it's perfectly normal.

2) This is the most important: Someone needs to move if you ever want to see this relationship take off. No, I'm not kidding. Long-distance relationships are killers. They do a tremendous amount of damage to the people in them for a bunch of reasons I'm not going to go into via this message; but trust me, this is doing more harm to anything you might have with this guy than the texting problem.

Regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
323.638.4145
http://beingaman.com
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Haha thanks so much Dr Neder! So you assume that he's possibly interested in me?
Yeah so, his sister is living here so his family are thinking of moving to Australia. He has never talked to me on the phone, nor has he added me on fb, which makes me wonder if he is interested at all. Also I don't want to initiate them. How do I get him to start talking to me on the phone/ move forward if he is interested?

Cheers
Vihara

ANSWER: Hello again Vihara!

Honestly, I can't make any assumptions here. I don't know this man and I'm only seeing his actions/interactions through your eyes.

As to talking to him on the phone (or better, via Skype or another video-chat system), ask him! Just say in a text, "Hey, I'd love to hear your voice sometime next week for a short call. Which is better, Thursday or Saturday?" (For example) Add in the "short call" thing as it takes away the concern of having hours of his time dominated.

Regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
323.638.4145
http://beingaman.com
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thanks again!
I understand - it's hard to say. At one point when I mentioned to him the inadequacy of his texts he told me that he's "being mysterious". Not sure what that meant.
I am a big fan of direct communication, and I can ask but that will look like I'm chasing him, and I'm afraid he'll lose interest?

Cheers,
Vihara

Answer
Hey Vihara!

More likely, it'll look like you are telling him how to win you!

Don't be afraid to ask for what you need (in consideration of his needs too of course). If he has a problem with it, he's not he guy you should be dating anyway.

Regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
323.638.4145
http://beingaman.com
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”

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Dr. Dennis W. Neder

Expertise

I'm able to answer any sort of question related to the approach, meeting people, dating, sex, relationships, break-ups, non-legal marriage and divorce questions, and anything in between. I've helped over 30,000 people with their individual issues. IMPORTANT: Please, PLEASE don't ask me, "what was he thinking..." or "why did he say..." types of questions! I DO NOT READ MINDS! There are 1,001 reasons why someone does what they do, says what they say or thinks what they think. If you *REALLY* want to know what they were thinking, saying or why they were acting that way - go ask them! Be sure to check out my FAQ's on my website at: http://beingaman.com. You can email me directly at: dwneder@beingaman.com.

Experience

I am the author of the books "Being a Man in a Woman`s World I & II" and "1001 Places and Techniques to Meet Great Women" and 11 others. I`ve spent the last 20 years studying the art and science of every aspect of relationships, and have answered over 30,000 letters from readers all over the world. My main focus is men`s relationships with women, but I also have many female readers and answer questions for them regularly as well.

Education/Credentials
Doctor of Philosophy

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