Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 11/13/2006

Question
Interesting. The statistics show that there's only a slight increase in the risk of
divorce? How much? Dr. Joy Brown on the radio said that increase was due to
those who lived many years together before getting married.
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The text above is a follow-up to ...

-----Question-----
A couple of weeks ago, I allowed my boyfriend to move in with me after 1.5
years of being together. He is 35 and I am 38. I told my father a week prior to
him moving in and he appears very hurt that I would do something so
immoral. He said that if you google living together before marriage, you’ll
find only negative things about it. We are both serious about each other and
have had talks of having a family. I don’t believe in living together either but
he pursuaded me and he didn’t want to move twice within six months. He
wants to get engaged by Valentines Day if things continue to go as well as
they have between us. He is enjoying half of what he was paying before by
having his own apartment. I guess I have made it easier, but he says that he
will be able to save for a ring. I also would like to add that he is a recovering
addict and has been clean for three years. I told him to get a part-time job to
get ahead but he gave me the impression that he can’t take on too much
because it may stress him and cause him to use again. He is a couch potato
and loves to watch movies. I can’t say anything else negative about him..he’s
wonderful in every other way...just poor. My father said he would not support
me and said I am making a big mistake. It will be even more difficult to break
it off if I wanted to and that I’m living in sin. He feels that if we do get
married, it may not last because those who have high morals don’t divorce
and those who live together first don’t have high morals. I want both men in
my life to be happy. What are your thoughts on this and living together?
-----Answer-----
Hello Melissa!

First, here's some facts:

1) The divorce rate is slightly higher among couples that live together before
marriage.

2) There's nothing "immoral" about living together. You're not "living in sin"
unless YOU believe it.

3) If your father doesn't want to live with anyone, that's his choice. You are an
adult now and can make your own choices.

4) Living together (just like marriage) isn't the relationship itself - it's a
FORMAT of a relationship only.

Ok, with that said, here's the reality:

I personally think that living together before being married is an extremely
wise and worthwhile choice. The reason is this: you get to determine exactly
how you're going to be if and when you get married. The reason for the slight
increase in the divorce rate is; I believe, because many couples live together
as a path on the way to marraige. In other words, they don't use living
together as a test to determine if they can be married. Instead, they simply
set the goal and get married either way - even if they can't live together well!

There is nothing "right" or "wrong" with living together unless you choose to
see it that way. No doubt dad has your best interests at heart, but they are
based on HIS beliefs, not yours. You need to determine what is right or wrong
for you and to live based on those beliefs.

If everything else is good and you and your boyfriend can work out the
money situation, this may be the best thing you've ever done for yourselves.
Just keep an open mind - and heart - and see this as just another challenge
to deal with as a team. That's what marriage - and living together - are all
about.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
www.beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"

Answer
Hello again Melissa!

I don't remember the exact figure, but it was only around 10-12% increase. I'm sure that the length of time that a couple has lived together is also a factor, but the particular study I read (which I can't seem to find - I read a LOT of these studies!) was with couples that had lived together less than 2 years before getting married.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
www.beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"