General Writing and Grammar Help/a question

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Question
Dear Ted,

Fortunately, this time my IELTS score was satisfactory. Now, I am applying for Federal Skilled Worker program of CANADA, and I have to write a letter to a Canadian officer. Please revise my letter. If you have any idea to express these statements in another way or better, please let me know.



Dear Sir/Madam,

I am writing to explain why I have sent to you my insurance company records (or insurance company certificate) rather than work contracts and pay stubs.

As a matter of fact, since 2010 I have decided to give up working and I have focused on studying English Language and part-time working. In addition, because I had no legal problem with those company (Fan Avaran Laban and Eamen Gheteh), I have thrown away all my work contracts and pay stubs. Furthermore, since in my country insurance company records go beyond other documents legally, I have sent to you those records instead of work contracts and pay stubs.

I hope there will be no problem with that.

Yours faithfully,

A. Afshar

Answer
Dear Ali:

Congratulations on passing your exam!  I am very happy for you.

***

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am writing to explain why I have sent to you my insurance company records (or
insurance company certificate) rather than work contracts and pay stubs.

As a matter of fact, since 2010 I have decided to give up working and I have
focused on studying English Language and part-time working.

*** Here is my suggested revision:  In 2010, I decided to stop working full-time and
focused on my study of the English language.  I worked only on a part-time basis.

In addition, because
I had no legal problem [PROBLEMS] with those company [COMPANIES] (Fan Avaran Laban and Eamen Gheteh), I
have thrown away [I THREW AWAY] all my work contracts and pay stubs. Furthermore, since in my
country [INSERT A COMMA AFTER "COUNTRY"] insurance company records go beyond other documents legally, I have sent
to you those records instead of work contracts and pay stubs.

I hope there will be no problem with that.

Yours faithfully,

A. Afshar

*** Ali, I think that your letter is good, but I suggested the changes so that the verbs would be in the correct tenses. I have a question:  Do you have anyone from those companies who will write a letter of recommendation for you?  If you have such a letter, particularly from a supervisor, the person in Canada will consider it of utmost importance.

Good luck.  Please keep me posted about both your education and your career.

Mamnoon,

Ted

General Writing and Grammar Help

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Ted Nesbitt

Expertise

I am the bibliographic instruction and reference librarian at a public college. Some members of the English department recommend me to their students. I offer assistance in grammar, punctuation, sentence structure, and paragraph development. My master`s thesis concerns William Faulkner`s tragic novels. I formerly taught advanced placement English at two schools in the Philadelphia area.

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I have been one of the highest-ranked volunteers in this category for more than a decade.

Education/Credentials
B. A. and M. A in English; MSIS in Library & Information Sciences; graduate study in philosophy

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