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Question
Dear Mr Ted Nesbitt,
I'm Anh Thi from Vietnam, I writed this writting but i dont know whether it right or wrong. Can you please help me?
Topic: Young children shouldn't watch so much television. Do u agree?
My IELTS writing:
Nowadays, television is the most popular media in the world. Children start to watch it in the younger ages. The obvious fact is that they more and more prefer TV than other entertainment. In my opinion, young children shouldnt watch so much TV.
First of all, watching Tv can lead to health problems for young children. They just sit quiet and do nothing while they spend time to enjoy TV programmes. So they have less physical activities like sports, out-door games, travelling....TV viewing is also linked to the risk of obesity in children. Researchs in Vietnam confirm that too much TV watching increases the child's weight in the future. Besides, in Vietnam, about 15% school-aged children have weak eyesight because they meet with television early.
Moreover, the effects of TV can be very harmful. Unsuitable contents on TV such as violence or porn may make children less sensitive and active.
Apart from developing skills, children may find difficult to communicate wit other people,make the relationship or take part in creative activities.
Although, Tv has convenient form of entertainment but the parents should control carefully what their children watch and how long they watch. I believe that the best education way is a child must be grow up by their parents.
Thank Mr Ted Nesbitt for your consideration.

Answer
Dear Anh Thi:

Dear Mr Ted Nesbitt,
I'm Anh Thi from Vietnam, I writed this writting but i dont know whether it
right or wrong. Can you please help me?

*** Your second sentence should be this:  I wrote this essay, but I don't know whether it is right or wrong.

*****

Topic: Young children shouldn't watch so much television. Do u agree? [Do YOU agree?]

My IELTS writing:
Nowadays, television is the most popular media in the world. Children start to
watch it in the younger ages. The obvious fact is that they more and more prefer
TV than other entertainment. In my opinion, young children shouldnt watch so
much TV.
First of all, watching Tv [TV] can lead to health problems for young children. They
just sit quiet [QUIETLY] and do nothing while they spend time [ENJOYING, INSTEAD OF "TO ENJOY"] to enjoy TV programmes. So
they have less [USE "FEWER" INSTEAD OF "LESS"] physical activities like sports, out-door games, travelling....   [ANY, YOU SHOULD NEVER END A SENTENCE WITH ....  ADD "AND" BEFORE "TRAVELING" AND THEN PUT ONE PERIOD.]

TV viewing is also linked to the risk of obesity in children. Researchs [USE THE SINGULAR FORM "RESEARCH"] in Vietnam
confirm [CONFIRMS] that too much TV watching increases the child's weight in the future.
Besides, in Vietnam, about 15% school-aged children have weak eyesight because
they meet with television early.  [INSTEAD OF "MEET WITH," YOU SHOULD USE "THEY BEGIN WATCHING TELEVISION EARLY IN THEIR LIVES.]
Moreover, the effects of TV can be very harmful. Unsuitable contents on TV such
as violence or porn may make children less sensitive and active.
Apart from developing skills, children may find difficult [DIFFICULTY] to communicate wit [WITH] other people,make the relationship or take part in creative activities.

*** I rewrote the preceding sentence:  Apart from NOT developing skills, children may find it difficult to communicate with other people, to make relationships, or to take part in creative activities.

Although, Tv has [USE "IS" INSTEAD OF "HAS"] A convenient form of entertainment but the parents should control
carefully what their children watch and how long they watch.

I believe that the
best education way is a child must be grow up by their parents.

*** I do not understand what you mean in your last sentence.  I think you should rewrite it and send me the new version -- in a separate message.

Thank Mr Ted Nesbitt for your consideration.

*** You are welcome, Anh.  Please do not forget to evaluate this response to your essay.

Thank you.

Ted Nesbitt

General Writing and Grammar Help

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Ted Nesbitt

Expertise

I am the bibliographic instruction and reference librarian at a public college. Some members of the English department recommend me to their students. I offer assistance in grammar, punctuation, sentence structure, and paragraph development. My master`s thesis concerns William Faulkner`s tragic novels. I formerly taught advanced placement English at two schools in the Philadelphia area.

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I have been one of the highest-ranked volunteers in this category for more than a decade.

Education/Credentials
B. A. and M. A in English; MSIS in Library & Information Sciences; graduate study in philosophy

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