You are here:

General Writing and Grammar Help/Dear Ted, please help me correct my essay.

Advertisement


Question
QUESTION: Dear Ted,

Please help me correct the essay below

Question: In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them?

Answer:
These days, many people tend to gain weight but their overall health decline. This ironic fact raises a great concern among citizens and the government. Identifying the causes and the approaches to address this problem is essential to improve our public health.

Eating habits have a major impact on people’s health. Fast foods such as hamburgers and fried chickens are more popular in spite of the fact that they increase the risk of obesity. Soft drinks also contribute to worsen the situation. A recent study reveals a plummet in home-cooked foods, resulting in a dramatic rise in fast food consumption. The lack of space for walking and sports is another cause. An increasing number of people are living in apartment buildings, yet a few parks have been created for their outdoor activities. As a result, people are more likely to spend their free time in front of a TV instead of playing sports.

In order to reduce the negative eating habits, the government should impose a high tax on fast foods. Meanwhile, we should promote people to include more vegetable and fresh fruits in their meals. Commercials of fast food restaurants and soft drinks should be restricted on golden times as well. Furthermore, building contractors have to build parks, playgrounds, or fitness rooms as crucial components of their construction. Small sport competitions among neighbors such as running, badminton, soccer, basketball could be ideal to attract people of all ages to engage in outdoor activities.

A healthy life is a fundamental aspect of a happy life. Every individual should, therefore, take care of their own health by getting rid of bad  habits and taking part in sports.

Thank you so much for your help so far!
Lizzie.

ANSWER: Dear Lizzie:


Please help me correct the essay below

Question: In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them?

Answer:
These days, many people tend to gain weight but their overall health decline [DECLINES]. This ironic fact raises a great concern among citizens and the government. Identifying the causes and the approaches to address this problem is essential to improve our public health.

Eating habits have a major impact on people’s health. Fast foods such as hamburgers and fried chickens [CHICKEN] are more popular in spite of the fact that they increase the risk of obesity. Soft drinks also contribute to worsen the situation. A recent study reveals a plummet in home-cooked foods, resulting in a dramatic rise in fast food consumption. The lack of space for walking and sports is another cause. An increasing number of people are living in apartment buildings, yet [ADD "ONLY"] a few parks have been created for their outdoor activities. As a result, people are more likely to spend their free time in front of a TV instead of playing sports.

In order to reduce the negative eating habits, the government should impose a high tax on fast foods. Meanwhile, we should promote[ENCOURAGE -- BETTER WORD] people to include more vegetable and fresh fruits in their meals. Commercials of fast food restaurants and soft drinks should be restricted on golden times as well. Furthermore, building contractors have to build parks, playgrounds, or fitness rooms as crucial components of their construction. Small sport competitions among neighbors such as running, badminton, soccer, basketball could be ideal to attract people of all ages to engage in outdoor activities.

A healthy life is a fundamental aspect of a happy life. Every individual should, therefore, take care of their own health by getting rid of bad  habits and taking part in sports.

Thank you so much for your help so far!
Lizzie.

*** You are welcome.  What do you mean by "golden times"?  Lizzie, please do not forget the complete evaluation.

By the way, except for a few minor errors, this essay is very good.  You have kept your focus on the original question, and your suggestions are excellent.

Ted

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Dear Ted,

I think I have to replace "golden times" with "prime time". I mean the period of time in a day when the highest number of people watch TV.

Thanks for your feedback. It really helps.
Lizzie

Answer
Dear Lizzie:

Thank you for the information.  The problem I had was with the phrase "golden times."  In this country, "golden times," "golden ages," and "golden years" refer to SENIOR CITIZENS, such as those people who are retired or who are sixty years of age or older.  We use the phrase "prime time" to refer to television programs that air between 8 and 11 p.m.

I will remember "golden times" when I am watching television!  Thank you for teaching me something new.

Ted

General Writing and Grammar Help

All Answers


Answers by Expert:


Ask Experts

Volunteer


Ted Nesbitt

Expertise

I am the bibliographic instruction and reference librarian at a public college. Some members of the English department recommend me to their students. I offer assistance in grammar, punctuation, sentence structure, and paragraph development. My master`s thesis concerns William Faulkner`s tragic novels. I formerly taught advanced placement English at two schools in the Philadelphia area.

Experience

I have been one of the highest-ranked volunteers in this category for more than a decade.

Education/Credentials
B. A. and M. A in English; MSIS in Library & Information Sciences; graduate study in philosophy

©2016 About.com. All rights reserved.