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General Writing and Grammar Help/Hi Ted, please help me correct my essay,

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QUESTION: Dear Ted,
Please help me correct the essay below.

Question:
Everybody should be allowed admission to university study program regardless of their level of academic ability. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

My answer:
Our society holds the misconception that if one has a chance to study college, he or she would be likely to have a higher income and the more successful career. As a result, thousands of high school graduates fight for limited places in colleges every year. Some people suggest that higher education should make for everyone, not just elite students. I totally disagree with this idea.

People who are in favor of the suggestion claim that every student has the right to be educated. We have made the primary, secondary, and high school education compulsory. Why not do the same with higher education? Moreover, if we select university students based on their previous academic performance, we may overlook the potential of low-performing students. Allowing them to enroll in college is, therefore, to give them a chance to discover and to exploit their potential.

On the other hand, we should be aware that our higher education is highly expensive. A year of college may cost an American student up to 40,000 dollars. If we have to make such a huge investment, we should make sure that we target aid to people most likely to succeed. Otherwise, according to school leaders and the government, the budget for higher education would have to raise dramatically in order to build more facilities, to hire more professors, to provide more books and other resources while our national budget is limited.

Going to college is not the only way to be successful, especially in some professions such as cooking, advertising. In other words, not all students need higher education, resulting in not being necessary to allow as many as students enroll universities.

Thank you!
Lizzie

ANSWER: Dear Lizzie:

Please help me correct the essay below.

Question:
Everybody should be allowed admission to university study program regardless of
their level of academic ability. To what extent do you agree or disagree with
this statement?

My answer:
Our society holds the misconception that if one has a chance to study [AT] college,
he or she would be likely to have a higher income and the more successful
career. As a result, thousands of high school graduates fight for limited places
in colleges every year. Some people suggest that higher education should make [USE "BE" INSTEAD OF "MAKE"]
for everyone, not just elite students. I totally disagree with this idea.

People who are in favor of the suggestion claim that every student has the right
to be educated. We have made the primary, secondary, and high school education
compulsory. Why not do the same with higher education? Moreover, if we select
university students based on their previous academic performance, we may
overlook the potential of low-performing students. Allowing them to enroll in
college is, therefore, to give them a chance to discover and to exploit their
potential.

On the other hand, we should be aware that our higher education is highly
expensive. A year of college may cost an American student up to 40,000 [50,000 IS A MORE REALISTIC NUMBER] dollars.
If we have to make such a huge investment, we should make sure that we target
aid to people most likely to succeed. Otherwise, according to school leaders and
the government, the budget for higher education would have to raise dramatically
in order to build more facilities, to hire more professors, to provide more
books and other resources while our national budget is limited.

Going to college is not the only way to be successful, especially in some
professions such as cooking,[REMOVE THE COMMA AND USE THE CONJUNCTION "AND"] advertising. In other words, not all students need
higher education, resulting in not being necessary to allow as many as students [TO]
enroll [AT]universities.


*** Your writing is excellent.  You have made a couple of simple errors, but, in general, you elaborate on your point of view in a very professional way.  I would make one suggestion and that has to do with your final paragraph.  You have mentioned cooking and advertising, but you have not emphasized how successful a person can be as a cook, an advertising executive, or a plumber, electrician, or mechanic.  The world needs these people as well as college graduates.  I suggest that you add at least one more sentence in your final paragraph.  It should emphasize how a person can be success in performing a "trade." College, after all, is NOT the answer for everyone.

Ted

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Dear Ted,

Thanks for your suggestion. I have revised the final paragraph as below:

Going to college is not the only way to be successful, especially in some professions such as cooking and advertising. Rachael Ray who is famous for her cooking shows: “30 Minutes Meals” and Peter Arnell, the founder of the well-known PR firm Arnell Group, are fine examples. In other words, not all students need higher education, resulting in not being necessary to allow as many as students to enroll at universities.

Lizzie

Answer
Dear Lizzie:

REMINDER:  Lizzie, I appreciate your ratings.  It is very important that you check the box for "volunteer of the month," if, of course, you really value my help.  Thank you.

Ted

****************************************************************************

Thanks for your suggestion. I have revised the final paragraph as below:

Going to college is not the only way to be successful, especially in some professions such as cooking and advertising. Rachael Ray who is famous for her cooking shows: “30 Minutes Meals” and Peter Arnell, the founder of the well-known PR firm Arnell Group, are fine examples. In other words, not all students need higher education, resulting in not being necessary to allow as many as students to enroll at universities.

*** I would rephrase the second sentence this way.

Rachael Ray, who is famous for her cooking show, "30 Minute Meals," and Peter Arnell, founder of the well-known PR firm, the Arnell Group, are fine examples.  

In the last sentence, use this phrase:  "resulting in IT not being necessary . . . . "

I think the paragraph is a great improvement.  By making references to two people who have become successful without having gone to college, you have made your opinion more solid.

Good work, Lizzie.

Ted

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Ted Nesbitt

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I am the bibliographic instruction and reference librarian at a public college. Some members of the English department recommend me to their students. I offer assistance in grammar, punctuation, sentence structure, and paragraph development. My master`s thesis concerns William Faulkner`s tragic novels. I formerly taught advanced placement English at two schools in the Philadelphia area.

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I have been one of the highest-ranked volunteers in this category for more than a decade.

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B. A. and M. A in English; MSIS in Library & Information Sciences; graduate study in philosophy

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