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General Writing and Grammar Help/Essay corrections - Urbanisation

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QUESTION: Here is my essays about Urbanisation:

These are many reasons for urbanisation nowadays. People move to citis in research of job opportunities. Cities offer greater employment possibilies and an expected higher standard of living, so people migrate to boroughs from the countryside. Due to the mechanisation and the development of technology, traditional activities like farming need fewer workers. And there are many cultural activities and festival in large towns which people enjoy to take part in. Many updated trend and newest products which are usually attractive to young people, comes out in the cities at the first time.
However, life in cities has its own drawbacks. Firstly, the cost of living in boroughs  is higher than in rural areas. Some people donot manage to find works because the old industrial jobs are replaced by skilled jobs and new people have moved to the areas.
Housing is usually much more expensive. Building new, affordable homes in urban areas is difficult. As a result, homelessness and poverty are common in citis. There is a gap between the rich and poor.
Secondly, living in the crowded cities can be extremely stressful. These are many serious problems like traffic congestion, crime and security. Areas of open space are limited such as central parks, museums. The residents might have a heavy financial burden, so they often word hard and donít have much time to relax and entertain.
Finally, life in cities lacks of a sense of community, people do not even know their neighbours. Therefore, cities are sometimes described as ® concrete jungles®.

Thank you very much for helping me.

ANSWER: Dear Thi:

Although I do not usually analyze essays, I am making an exception for you.  I believe this is the first message you have sent me.  I hope that you know how the rating system works.

*****

These are many reasons for urbanisation nowadays. People move to citis in research of job opportunities. Cities offer greater employment possibilies [POSSIBILITIES] and an expected higher standard of living, so people migrate to boroughs from the countryside. Due to the mechanisation and the development of technology, traditional activities like farming need fewer workers. And there are many cultural activities and festival in large towns which people enjoy to take part in. Many updated trend [TRENDS] and newest products which are usually attractive to young people, comes out in the cities at the first time. [COME OUT IN THE CITIES BEFORE THEY ARE AVAILABLE IN LESS POPULATED AREAS.]

However, life in cities has its own drawbacks. Firstly, the cost of living in boroughs  is higher than in rural areas. Some people donot [DO NOT] manage to find works [WORK] because the old industrial jobs are replaced by skilled jobs and new people have moved to the areas.
Housing is usually much more expensive. Building new, affordable homes in urban areas is difficult. As a result, homelessness and poverty are common in citis [CITIES]. There is a gap between the rich and poor.

Secondly, living in the crowded cities can be extremely stressful. These are many serious problems like traffic congestion, crime and security. Areas of open space are limited such as central parks, museums.  [AREAS OF OPEN SPACE, SUCH AS CENTRAL PARKS AND MUSEUMS ARE LIMITED.] The residents might have a heavy financial burden, so they often word hard and donít have much time to relax and entertain.

Finally, life in cities lacks of a sense of community,[USE A SEMI-COLON HERE INSTEAD OF A COMMA.  YOU ARE JOINING TWO INDEPENDENT CLAUSES, AND A COMMA IS NOT STRONG ENOUGH TO DO THAT JOINING.] people do not even know their neighbours. Therefore, cities are sometimes described as ® concrete jungles®.

*** Thi, I think your essay is well-organized, and you provide excellent examples of your three major points.    

Your second paragraph, in which you write about stress, could use one or two more examples about how much strain is placed on people who dwell in cities.  For instance, you just mention crime, but you could have given a concrete example of how citizens are constantly under the threat of various types of crime.

I would also add another sentence [or two] about the lack of "community" that you mention in your final paragraph. In small towns, people KNOW their neighbors and are usually happy to help each other.  You need to emphasize this point, because cities often lack the "human element."

Perhaps, you have been restricted to a certain number of words.  If that is the case, then your essay is good enough.  However, IF you are allowed to write more words, I recommend that you follow the suggestions that I made above.

Best wishes.

Ted Nesbitt


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Dear Ted,

Thank you for your help.
I also do the rating.
I will add two more sentences which are examples of strain and crime, in my essay according to your opinions:

1/Many studies have shown that people born and raised in cities have higher rates of mental illnesses like psychosis, anxiety disorders, depression.

2/The citizens are affaid of the threat of crimes such as violence, property crime which are alway the main issues in the large urban areas.

Thi

Answer
Dear Thi:

First, I want to say how happy I am that you have contacted me.  You are the fifth Vietnamese person who sends me questions.  About two years ago, I worked with a young lady from your country.  She was writing essays as part of her college application for school in the United States.  She asked me for my mailing address, which is very unusual.  I asked her why she needed it, and she said that she had something to send to me.  When the package arrived weeks later, I opened it to find a hand-stitched Vietnamese scene on a silk cloth.  I had it framed and it is now on the wall above my desk.  The Vietnamese students are always very grateful and very polite.

*****'

QUESTION: Dear Ted,

Thank you for your help.
I also do the rating.
I will add two more sentences which are examples of strain and crime, in my essay according to your opinions:

1/Many studies have shown that people born and raised in cities have higher rates of mental illnesses like psychosis, anxiety disorders, [AND] depression.

*** Very good sentence.

2/The citizens are affaid of the threat of crimes such as violence, property crime which are alway the main issues in the large urban areas.

*** Try it this way:  Citizens are afraid of the crime threats such as violence against individuals and damage to properties, both of which are serious issues in large urban areas.

** It says the same thing as your sentence #2, but I think that the wording is better.

Nevertheless, you have performed very well in your writing.  Best of luck to you.

Stay in touch.

Ted

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Ted Nesbitt

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I am the bibliographic instruction and reference librarian at a public college. Some members of the English department recommend me to their students. I offer assistance in grammar, punctuation, sentence structure, and paragraph development. My master`s thesis concerns William Faulkner`s tragic novels. I formerly taught advanced placement English at two schools in the Philadelphia area.

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I have been one of the highest-ranked volunteers in this category for more than a decade.

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B. A. and M. A in English; MSIS in Library & Information Sciences; graduate study in philosophy

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