General Writing and Grammar Help/My essay about pedestrian

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Question
Here is my essay about Pedestrian:

In my opinion, I fully support the idea of opening pedestrian areas in the town centre. Pedestrian zones have a vital roles in the cities centre. They improve the local environment and the quality of residents in the borough.
On the social level, banning cars and other vehicles encourages people to walk or cycle, reduces the atmospheric emissions and road accident rates. The areas are peace without traffic congestion and the noise pollution from horns in car or bus. For example, many European cities have soon built bicycle lanes and pedestrian zones. The pedestrian system also provide public spaces for direct , convenient connections and enhance community, interaction between the citizens.
On the economic aspect, pedestrian areas are safer and more attractive for both residents and tourists, because they have café and restaurants with outdoor seatings where people enjoy open spaces. These are where families will find the essence of street lifestyle and spend time on relaxation, art, partying and gastronomy. It would have a positive knock-on effect on local shops and businesses.
From a health perspective, dependence on cars is linked to mental problems like obesity, especially for children. Pedestrians of all ages and ability levels can safely and conveniently travel on foot or by bicycle. People who walk or cycle regularly are generally more energetic and healthier to work and study.
In conclusion, although it might seem difficult to change the habit of traffic, I personally prefer to build new and regenerated sustainable cities with the expansion of pedestrian areas.

Thank you for your help.

Answer
Dear Thi:

  Here is my essay about Pedestrian:

In my opinion, I fully support the idea of opening pedestrian areas in the town centre. Pedestrian zones have a [remove the "a"] vital roles in the cities centre  [the plural form is cities' centres]. They improve the local environment and the quality of residents in the borough.

*** Here are two important comments:  First, opening the sentence with "In my opinion" is very poor.  Obviously it is your opinion, because the words and ideas belong to YOU.  That opening phrase is both unnecessary and "trite."

*** Second, do you really think that the QUALITY of residents is improved? I think you mean "the quality of the residents' lives."  Let's say that one of the residents is a really bad person.  Will his personal qualities change because of pedestrian areas?  I don't think so.  I know what you are trying to say, but this sentence needs to be revised.


On the social level, banning cars and other vehicles encourages people to walk or cycle, reduces [REDUCING] the atmospheric emissions and road accident rates. The areas are peace [PEACEFUL] without traffic congestion and the noise pollution from horns [HORNS OF CARS AND BUSES] in car or bus. For example, many European cities have soon ["SOON" DOES NOT BELONG -- I THINK YOU MEAN "RECENTLY"] built bicycle lanes and pedestrian zones. The pedestrian system also provide [PROVIDES] public spaces for direct , convenient connections and enhance [ENHANCES] community, interaction between [AMONG]the citizens.  BETWEEN IS USED FOR JUST TWO PEOPLE; IF THERE ARE MORE THAN TWO, YOU MUST USE AMONG.

On the economic aspect, pedestrian areas are safer and more attractive for both residents and tourists, because they have café and restaurants with outdoor seatings where people enjoy open spaces. These are where families will find the essence of street lifestyle and spend time on relaxation, art, partying and gastronomy. It would have a positive knock-on effect on local shops and businesses.

*** In the preceding paragraph, you mention "safer," but you don't explain how or why these areas are "safer."

From a health perspective, dependence on cars is linked to mental problems like obesity, especially for children. ["Obesity" is not a mental problem; it is definitely a physical problem.] Pedestrians of all ages and ability levels can safely and conveniently travel on foot or by bicycle. People who walk or cycle regularly are generally more energetic and healthier to work and study.

In conclusion, although it might seem difficult to change the habit of traffic, I personally prefer to build new and regenerated sustainable cities with the expansion of pedestrian areas.

*** Thi, you do not need to mention yourself ["I personally"].  Since your name will be on this essay, the reader knows that the ideas are yours.  Also, your final paragraph has just one sentence.  You need to end your essay as strongly as possible, but your ending is very weak.  It needs one or two more sentences that refer to everything you have written in the previous paragraphs.



Thank you for your help.

*** Please do not think that I am being overly critical.  I have pointed out some errors and have suggested alternative ways of writing, because I think you are a VERY good student.  I just want you to become BETTER.

Ted

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Ted Nesbitt

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I am the bibliographic instruction and reference librarian at a public college. Some members of the English department recommend me to their students. I offer assistance in grammar, punctuation, sentence structure, and paragraph development. My master`s thesis concerns William Faulkner`s tragic novels. I formerly taught advanced placement English at two schools in the Philadelphia area.

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B. A. and M. A in English; MSIS in Library & Information Sciences; graduate study in philosophy

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