AboutCarol Bainbridge Expertise I can answer most questions on parenting gifted children, from infants on. Questions can be about parenting, advocacy, and support and I can provide suggestions for toys and books gifted children love. I can even help you determine whether your child is gifted or bright, and I can point you to more information you might need. I can answer some questions about programs for gifted children, but can`t help much with information on colleges. Visitors wanting to know if their children are gifted might want to read the article "Is My Child Gifted?" before asking a question.
Experience I am the parent of a gifted child and have been working with other parents of gifted children for 13 years, helping them find support and providing them with information. I founded a local gifted organization and helped organize a parent day for a national gifted conference. I have been an active member of my state's gifted association since 1999 and created and maintain their Web site. In addition, I have created a website for parents of gifted children who are looking for toys and books for their children: www.giftsforlearning.com.
I am also the Guide About.com Gifted Children Site.
Organizations National Association for Gifted Children. Board member of state gifted association.
I have a 4.5 year old girl who we are having tested as her reading ability is now greater than an average 8 year old – she is self-taught, although I did read to her a lot at her prompting. I noticed that she was reading words , from recollection just before or around the age of 2. She spoke her first proper words at around 9 months and also appears to have a very good memory (which may help with the reading). She is very morally sensitive particularly concerning the protection of animals and becomes extremely upset about endangered animals. An initial talk with a psychologist suggests she may be gifted, but she is yet to be tested. My concern is that she appears to be a totally different child at preschool (with 3.5 to 5 year olds) and I think she is simply doing what she has to, to try to fit in and get through the time there. She never reads anymore – she did do some initial reading last year when she was 3 but she may have experienced a negative reaction I am not sure. I know the teacher is very shocked at her reading and not in a positive way. She had a good friend (who is almost 5) all of last year but this year has spent almost the whole term by herself (she has told me children do not like her as they walk away after spending a little time playing her games which can go on a long time – the teacher says she was also rejecting other children before they “reject’ her). Anyway, we have what I see as an odd development. She seems to have struck up some form of friendship with a younger boy (3, almost 4) who has some behavioural issues: the teachers tell me she is being ‘influenced’ by him (copying him) and they are very challenging together, and are just different. I asked her what she plays with this child and she says ‘anything he wants to play’ and that she copies him as friends like that even to the point where she says she copies his drawings. I am at a complete loss to understand this as she has always been so self-directed and extremely bossy (which may have contributed to the social issues)? I also don’t understand the younger child thing as she loves being with older children (she has an 8 year old brother). I wonder if you have any ideas as to what may be going on here? Any suggestions as to how to help would also be welcome.
thank you,
Sharon
Answer Hi Sharon,
Your question is actually pretty difficult to answer, mostly because the situation is probably more complex that it even looks.
Gifted kids, even very young ones, want to fit in, so they may do whatever they can to be like the other kids. That may or may not be part of what's going on with your daughter. Even when gifted kids don't try to fit in, they know when they don't. They are also quite often just as disinterested in other kids as the other kids are in them.
Your daughter and the other kids most likely don't like to play the same way. They don't have the same interests either, I bet. While it may look like your daughter is rejecting the kids before they have a chance to reject her, she may just be displaying a lack of interest in befriending the other kids. It's not the same thing.
Think about going to a party and meeting a number of new people. Imagine that it is a party with people who all share an interest you don't share. If you don't want to pursue a relationship with any of them, are you rejecting them before they have a chance to reject you or are you just not interesting in pursuing a relationship because you don't have anything in common and you know it? That is, of course, rather simplistic, but hopefully it makes the point.
I think I'd have a talk with the teacher about the reading. It's not unusual for people to be surprised when they notice that a preschooler can read. However, it is not usual for people to be negatively shocked. The closest people come to reacting negatively is when they believe that children that young are able to read only because their parents have been "pushing" them. When a teacher believes that, she will generally try to steer the child away from reading, pushing them instead into playing. I've seen this happen. You don't need to be confrontational with the teacher, but you do want to understand what's happening. You don't want an interpretation. You want a description of what's happening.
If your daughter is being made to feel something is wrong with reading, she may be moving away from it. You can counter that by encouraging the reading at home. Make special trips to the library where you can explore new books together.
As for the friendship with the younger boy, that could be due to a number of reasons. Your daughter has enjoyed friendships with other children because they are more her intellectual equal. However, gifted kids also enjoy friendships with other gifted kids, regardless of how old or young they are. Gifted kids tend to have different ways of thinking, so they enjoy one another's company. Your daughter may truly like that nearly four-year-old boy, who may himself be gifted. What do children do when they like someone? They copy them. It could be no more than that with your daughter and the younger boy. The fact that the two of them are "challenging together" and are different is an indication that that boy is also gifted.
I hope that helps shed some light on the situation.
