About Ettina Expertise My biggest area of expertise is in autistic and other developmentally disabled gifted kids (especially creatively gifted disabled kids). I can also answer questions about gifted/talented children in general. I can't answer questions about legal issues and such (eg fighting the education system), but I can answer questions about what it's like for the child and so on. I'm better at dealing with questions about school-aged children than preschoolers.
Experience I am a highly creative autistic person with a tested IQ in the gifted range. I've also read a lot about gifted kids.
Education/Credentials Just high school. I'm a first-year student at university.
Question Hi Ettina,
Please, why it is important to encourage children to express their likes and dislikes? and why is it important to respond and discuss differences with children?
Thank you for your help Ettina, I will appreciate that
Regard Emma
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Answer Expressing likes & dislikes is important for several reasons.
Firstly, it's a major component of assertiveness. Assertiveness means that you can and will stand up for yourself rather than let others define or exploit you, and part of that is defining who you are as an individual, including your likes and dislikes.
Secondly, it helps others set up nice things for you if you tell them what you like and don't like. If you're trying to give your child a treat or avoid upsetting them, it helps if you know what they like and what they don't like, and the best way to find that out is to ask the child.
Thirdly, likes and dislikes are a big part of an individual's sense of identity - just ask people to describe themselves ('what kind of person are you?') and you'll notice one of the things they mention is their likes and dislikes. High self-esteem means having a positive view of your own identity, and is very important to psychological health. And how you react to a child expressing their identity is taken by the child as an expression of how you feel about him/her as a person, and therefore influences self-esteem.
Now, on to discussing differences. This is important for different reasons depending on whether the child is part of the majority or of some minority group.
For minority children (ethnic minorities, disabled children, etc), they will, over time, develop an awareness that they are different from the majority. These differences become a part of their identity. Even if you never talk to the child about difference, a minority child will be trying to process and understand his/her difference, just without adult guidance.
In addition, not discussing something important (the 'elephant in the living room') can often communicate that you think it's something bad or shameful, and since in this case it's part of the child's identity, that message affects self-esteem. It's better than if you overtly say negative things about the child's differences, but much better is to have positive discussion about difference. Not necessarily pretending that everything's perfect, because life is often harder for minority children, but discussing the challenges in an optimistic sense and making it clear that the child is not to blame for these struggles. Talking about prejudice is particularly helpful in this sense, and something that people often overlook with disabled children. Common forms of prejudice that disabled children experience are being treated as younger and less capable than they are, being bullied or excluded, inaccessibility, and pessimistic views of the future (doctors seem especially prone to this).
For majority children, difference is less personal to them. However, if they've been taught to view difference as bad (as most kids are taught, particularly by peers), many of these kids will worry about being different - especially during puberty because they're not sure if the changes they're undergoing are normal. Kids who get particularly strong anti-difference messages have higher anxiety about this. An example can be seen in Fern Kupfer's book Before & After Zachariah. Fern Kupfer, among all the parents of disabled kids I've heard of, is one of the most prejudiced in how she talks about her severely disabled son, who she started trying to institutionalize when he was 2 years old. She also has an older daughter without any disabilities, and in one scene, her daughter is struggling to learn to tie her shoes, and bursts into tears saying 'what if I'm developmentally delayed?' Conversely, a kid with a positive view of difference is less anxious about whether or not they're normal.
In addition, some differences appear later on in life, such as sexual orientation differences or acquired disabilities, and just because a child is part of the majority doesn't mean they won't find themselves part of a minority in the future. There are also kids who are currently part of a minority, but other people haven't figured that out yet (undiagnosed disabled kids, or LGTB kids who haven't come out, for example). If these kids are taught to accept difference back when they are, or think they are, part of the majority, it will help them deal with their own differences later on. (Also, talking positively about differences makes it more likely that kids will admit their own differences, making it easier to identify invisible minorities.)
Lastly, it's beneficial to minority children to live in a society that is more accepting and welcoming to them, and teaching majority children about difference makes them better at relating to minority children. This is partly a matter of providing accomodations, for example, knowing to look at a lip-reading deaf person when you talk to them. It's also partly having and communicating a positive view of the people you're interacting with, instead of being prejudiced against them.
