AboutJan Hayner Expertise I can answer questions that have to do with all aspects of grandparenting. Relationships, Step-grandchildren, things to do, ways to help them, things you have control over and things to don't etc.
Experience I am the mom of 4 and grandma of 8 (plus half of the neighborhood). I have been raising kids almost all of my life and had many experiences to refer to.
Organizations I belonged to PTA, Den Mother for Cub Scouts, Bluebird Troop Leader, E4E (Education for Employment) Committee Member, Volunteer at the local hospital in the Pediatric Department, and was involved with many other kids projects.
Expert: Jan Hayner Date: 6/6/2008 Subject: father in law, bad grandparent
Question QUESTION: I have been married for 18 years to a great guy.My father in law and mother in law have been divorced and remarried for over 20 years. Neither set of grandparents show any interest in my children except for birthdays and Chistmas(they send a card). We often see and hear about other children going to the park, the zoo out for ice cream, disney, visiting with grandparents.It makes us jealous and resentful since our children do not have this kind of relationship with thier own grandparents.My husband has spoken to his father several times over the course of the last 10 years. He always seems to have an excuse why my kids can't come up to visit him (the bad dog he has,he has to tend to his horses). Our requests to have him more involved with our childrens lives seems to have fallen on deaf ears. The last time my children were invited up to see him was 10 years ago. My kids are now 10,12 and 15. Nothing has changed. It seems as though it's his way or the highway.Seems like it will now be the highway. I wrote him a 5 page letter about the things that have been bothering me that i have kept bottled up for nearly 12 years about his half interest in his grandchildren. After he received the letter, he came from Vermont to Mass. to "talk" about it (he says). I thought I had made a great stride in getting him to realize the kids are half grown and before long, they will be in HS and college.Well, he came down yesterday,went to breakfast, talked about Barack Obama and Hilary(small talk) but nothing about the letter was mentioned. After his 12 hour visit, still no word until it was time to leave. All he said about the letter was "I got your letter, it was real nice" my response was"you like that huh?" he then replied "thanks for judging my life" then proceeded to walk out the door.I was left thinking THATS IT??? A 5 page letter dealing with our entire family relationship and thats all it was worth was one or two persnickety lines? I immediately became furious and told him he was not welcome back to my home again. I have never appreciated my FIL's relationship(or lack of) with my kids, but I have kept my mouth shut for years hoping things would get better after he promised it would when he retired 5 years ago. Things never did change so i felt it was now or never in confronting him since it was a long time coming. My question is how much would I be hurting my children if I cut off ties to thier grandfather? I have kept the peace this long because I understand the importance of the extended family, however he sees them 2-3 times a year for a few hours and they get a card at birthdays and Christmas so how much damage would be done by completely severing ties with him? I have been torn about this for years now, but feel I can no longer live with the way things are. As my grandmother used to say , "either @#$* or get off the pot". Since he did not turn around and come in to talk after I told him never to return and did not say a bloody thing all day until he jabbed and ran out the door, I feel he does not care enough to make things right and may not be worth the effort. I am confused, please help with any advice. Thank you.
ANSWER: Hi Candy;
It is a sad situation, however, you should have seen this coming, just by the way the circumstances through life has been.
This man doesn't accept responsibility (marriage remarriage) and I am guessing that this took place when HIS children were young. Which tells me that he has to be the center of attention, his wants and desires need to be the priority and he can't handle children at any level. So that explains why he is the perfect grandpa too!
I can tell you right now that from a grandmas point of view, some people are grandparents and some are grandma and grandpa and 'YES', there is a BIG difference.
Grandparents are around when there are holidays, birthdays and such and basically have little contact because either kids scare them or they don't want to be bothered. Grandma and Grandpa are the ones that go to the park, sit and read books, have sleepovers and give tons of hugs and kisses. I happen to be the second one! My oldest granddaughter is graduating from HS on Saturday and she has 2 grandmas and four grandpas. At her party there will be one grandpa and two grandma's, now what does that tell you!
I will tell you like I told her, we all love her deeply, we are all concerned about her and wish her the best. It is just there are the ones that can't handle anyone except themselves because in reality, because of their own personalities, wants and desires they are 'self oriented'. They weren't good parents and are even worse grandparents. Do you hate them for it? No, you feel sorry for them because they will never have the deep love of a grandchild, one of lifes most precious gifts.
So, should you cut ties with grandpa? How can you cut ties when there really aren't any? He wouldn't get the drift anyway, he would be relieved because this way he wouldn't feel pressured and have to come up with some more excuses. So you would really be talking to the wind. Just like you did in your 5 page letter.
Don't bother pushing it, it is a no-win situation. However, I bet if you think about it, there is an aunt/uncle, cousin, family friend or neighbor that has been there through thick and thin, good times and bad. Make this person your 'honorary grandma or grandpa'. You can even make up an grandma and grandpa adoption certificate' to let them know how much you care and that your kids care. You will be blessed ten fold believe me. My granddaughter has 2 'honorary grandparents' coming to her graduation (both neighbors) and we hold them both in high regard.
Even though we all live in the same town, they are there to fix the scrapes, give them a safe place to blow off steam and offer a chocolate chip cookie when we aren't available. Are they taking our place? In spirit only, but we are the original, 100%, grandma's and grandpa and NO ONE rates higher than us and we all know it!
Why put yourself and your kids through this, it isn't worth it. Accept the birthday and Christmas gifts (if there are any) and keep it as a friendship from a distance. You really don't want him any closer than that anyway, why disrupt your life, it's not worth it.
You don't mention anything about the other grandparents, but I am thinking that they are the same way, so go on with your life. Adopt someone that deserves the title of grandma or grandpa and keep the 'grandparents' as pen pals! Then, learn from this experience and you will be one of the BEST grandma's in the world, when it is your turn!
I hope that you feel better and that this helped. This is sad, but it is a part of life and happens in tons of families and the worst part is that there isn't anything anyone can do to make it better with the other people. However, you can make it better for your kids by giving them someone (that doesn't have anyone else,) someone to 'love'. What a GREAT gift you and your kids are offering to someone that deserves it!
God Bless, and Happy wishes, now go 'grandma and grandpa' hunting.
Jan Hayner
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Thank you for such a quick response.You are right on the money with the fact that he is extremely self-centered. His own sister and husband have always accused him of that!
Yes, the divorce between my inlaws was finalized by the time my husband was 12, but was not living with them for a few years before that. Needless to say the cause of the divorce was my FIL many affairs.He ended up marrying his last affair.His(2nd) wife has made it obvious that she wants nothing to do with anyone from my FIL's life before her and didn't even attend my husbands sisters funeral last year(she was 42).
That was very good advice to "adopt" a grandparent. We actually contemplated that years ago when the kids were all still small. I think my husbands mother might be more receptive if I wrote her the same kind of letter or at least spoke to her about it.
Thanks again
Answer Very good idea, but can I make a suggestion?
Sometimes you get further with someone when 'they are open' by asking their advice. It seems like they get the drift faster!
Call her up and tell her that you need her advice about something. Then explain that your youngest child is having a problem understanding why his friends grandparents invite them over for sleepovers, ask them to help with things, go to games and school things and he doesn't have a grandma or grandpa that likes him/her and wants to do things with him/her. (This makes them feel guilty) Then ask her what she thinks about you looking into getting him a Foster grandparent that wants to spend some time with him/her once a month!
By phrasing it this way, you aren't 'pointing a finger' you are stating a fact and asking her to decide. If she says yes get one! Then you know that whatever you would have said or done would have been in vain and you don't have to get yourself upset in the mean time.
You can also add a little about how mad you are at grandpa for NOT stepping up to the plate and appreciating a grandchild--after all a real grandparent would love to have time with their grandkids! She will see herself a lot easier and if she is any kind of grandma, she will make an honest effort to change.
It is just a thought, you know these people better than I do and know what they would be more responsive too.
Good Luck and my prayers are with you and the kids.
By the way, if it bothers them a lot, they may want to write and give me their viewpoint, maybe I can explain things to them and let them know that there are tons of kids in the same boat.
Good Luck,
Jan Hayner
