Grandparenting/Emotional Blackmailed

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Question
Hello
My daughter has been with a man for 13 years living common law.They have 2 children that we have spent hours with throughout their lives.They are now 7 and 9 years old.Since my daughter has met this guy he has worked on and off and never likes to take the blame for anything but finger points at everyone else for his situation--claims he has back problems and is fighting WISB.They never seem to have enough money to get by on.We have given them close to $150,000 throughout this time to help them out and just the last 2 years ago we gave them $50000 cash but all is gone.We have provided them with many food vouchers to pay for groceries.
Recently they have  asked us to if they could move in with us.My wife and I feel we have done enough but we told our daughter she and her two children could come back home and we will look after them financially till her common in law husband finds a job.My son in law has not worked for the last 9 months -blames the government,doctors,and other people all the time for his situation.He has no job,no benefits,and has angry outbursts now and then.We want him to get a job and look after his family financially.
We told him we do not want him to move into our house--but to look for work on your own get yourself established then come back and get your family.We feel this is the best way and he would not just sit around our place but he will break his daily cycle.
He flew off the handle told me and my wife to get out! F--k-O-f and you are no longer grandparents.(He is 47 years old we are in our 60's)
You can see sometimes helping someone out trying to give him a chance in life --he throws mud at you.We have not heard back from them for 6 days now.I am hoping my daughter will see some light dump this manipulate loser and come home.She says he just has those out burst of angry but still supports him.I am really disappointed in him.I will not cave into him--he wants to come here then I get to see the grandchildren(That really low down emotional blackmail)---I do not want him around after swearing at my wife and I --and us giving him all that cash---what a fool we have been.

Answer
Hi Gord;
That is really a mess! My heart goes out to you and grandma.
Unfortunately, your daughter hasn't grown up in 13 years with this man and probably isn't going to. For some reason she feels this relationship is better than none at all.
The only choice that you have is either let them ALL move in where you can watch everything OR offer to help them out one more time.
I do wonder if you live in the United States though. They could get help from Social Services, he could get help through workforce developement to get trained for a job and they would have medical help. PLUS, once he is in the system, he wouldn't be able to just sit on his butt and not do anything!
He is a real control freak and has her right where he wants her. The PLUS to having him move with her to your home is that h wouldn't be able to control her evey move because it is YOUR house. I would also give him a list of this that would be HIS responsibility to take care of so he contributes to the operations of the house--get the idea?
If you have a minister, I would also see to it that he stops over once a week for coffee. It would be nice to get someone elses point of view about how things are. Your daughter may grow stronger by doing it this way and she may come to her senses.
I hope this helps you a little.
Good Luck and GOd Bless--please get more viewpoints from other experts, it will help you get more ideas.
Jan Hayner

Grandparenting

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Jan Hayner

Expertise

I can answer questions that have to do with all aspects of grandparenting. Relationships, Step-grandchildren, things to do, ways to help them, things you have control over and things to don't etc.

Experience

I am the mom of 4 and grandma of 8 (plus half of the neighborhood). I have been raising kids almost all of my life and had many experiences to refer to.

Organizations
I belonged to PTA, Den Mother for Cub Scouts, Bluebird Troop Leader, E4E (Education for Employment) Committee Member, Volunteer at the local hospital in the Pediatric Department, and was involved with many other kids projects.

Education/Credentials
Life itself!

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