How to Have Great Sex/how to have great sex
Good afternoon Dr Rubel
I hope and pray you can assist me. I am a 52year old, menopausal woman. My sexual desire has flown out the window and I do not know how to get it back. Needless to say, my husband is not impressed with me at all! He feels I am neglecting him, and I do understand why he feels this way. He is highly sexed and I could not be bothered. If I never have sex again in my lifetime, it would not bother me. But it bothers me greatly that I do not please him in the most important way. Please, please can you help me as I fear is going to stray if I do not get my act together. I would truly appreciate any assistance or advice you could give me.
Thank you sincerely in advance.
Hi, Michelle --
I'm a PhD-type not an MD-type and I suspect that your question needs to go to your OB/Gyn. Because of that, anything I tell you represents opinion and not fact.
In my opinion, a person's lack of sexual interest can sometimes be based in the psychology of the relationship as much as anything else. As sex really happens between your ears, the question is: "What has your partner done for you recently that you might even be interested in a great sexual night?" If you suspect this might be a contributing factor, my book: "Squirms, Screams, and Squirts: Handbook for going from great sex to extraordinary sex" About 1/4 of the book is addressing how the guy can do things around the house to make the entire area aesthetically pleasing and how by changing his focus from his own gratification to gratifying the woman, he can vastly improve his OWN sexual experiences.
Second to that, over the past 2-3 years a number of female sexual enhancers have popped up on the Internet. I had a partner try "Rose 4 Her" and she said that she did feel more interested. Another that we tried was Fematril, as I recall. I suspect that some of these are hokey and some may work. A few monts ago I hit on the idea of going on to Amazon to look for a male enhancer (I'm 68) to see what was being offered and to read the user-ratings. To my astonishment, the pills that I found using that system are so far superior to Cialis and Viagra that there is no real comparison. So, while I haven't looked for female enhancers, you might give that a try.
Oh -- and a third alternative, depending upon how sexy you find your husband and how intellectually this would appeal to you: you can get lots of very interesting books about sex techniques for women: how to be a vamp, lots on oral sex, etc. Again, depending upon your own personality and interests, you might consider turning lemons into lemonade by systematically tackling your challenge and writing a woman's how-to book about options and choices.
I'll share something with you. I'm an educational sociologist by training. I was first married at 28 and it lasted 17 years. My wife was just not interested in sex -- once every three weeks or so. With my second wife, we were having sex 3-4x/d for months and months. However, she was non-orgasmic. I decided two things: first, that I may not be very good at intercourse -- after all, there isn't a course in that. Perhaps I just didn't know how to give her an orgasm. Second, I decided to extend my research beyond intercourse and focus on foreplay. About 3/4 way into that 14-year marriage we opened our marriage up and started swinging. At THAT point, I started asking a fair number of women about their sexual experiences with their husbands. The VAST majority of women said that their husbands thought they were great in bed and, in fact, were entirely focused on their own orgasm, were tactless/graceless and without imagination. WOW! That's what led to my SSS book (as I call it).
By the way -- and in no way meaning to "freak you out", but my research into advanced sexual practices took me directly into the world of BDSM. If you're not familiar with that, you might want to look it up on the Internet. I've now "lived" in the BDSM world since 2001 and most of my writing/energy is focused there.
You're more than welcome to write back with follow-on questions and I'm glad to help in any way I can.
I wish you the very best with whatever Path you choose,