How to Have Great Sex/masturbaion and sex
QUESTION: Hey, its very kind that you take your time advising all these people.. im not really the advice seeking type but here goes.im a twenty year old observant jew.I very recently got married to my high school best friend, also twenty. (Our age is not crazy young for observant jews)so I really love my wife, im very attracted to her, we where both virgins before we got married (religous reasons) . For some reason. ..I still masturbate. And then I have trouble performing, and she feels rejected and hurt :( why do I still jack off? Is something wrong with me? I also want to satisfy her more. I work hard to make her come but I think she needs more. Id like to try more things. (Positions, maybe toys? But I really don't know how to bring it uo. Im also extremely interested in anal. But she very much isn't. (I would nevet want to pressure her) any thoughts? Im sorry for this whole essay. Its funny, in all other areas our communication has akways been excellent.
ANSWER: Hello Charles,
Thank you for your question.
It is normal for people to continue to masturbate, even after becoming partnered or married. However, if it is causing problems in the relationship, or seems to be addictive, than it can become a problem. Yes, "why do you still jack off", that is the question. Most times it is so you can get a simple pleasure/stress release, without the pressure of performing. That's fine. But when it becomes that you want to masturbate more than making love to your wife, it is a problem.
So, you need to take a deep look at yourself and find out the reasons why you masturbate. Is it just a simple release, or is it impeding your relationship with your wife? Or is it both. I don't think you should just stop masturbating cold turkey, or stop masturbating altogether, as there are also many benefits to masturbating.
Does your wife masturbate? Have you thought about mutual masturbation together? That might be an option, as it teaches you both what each other likes. I'm not sure how open your wife is, so hard to say.
And, yes sex toys are always a great way to add spice to the relationship and add some excitement and different types of pleasure. Does you wife have any toys currently? Have you guys discussed this option?
So, you think your trouble with performing stems from masturbating? Can you guys have a date night one or a few times week where you make time to have sex and on those days you disdain from masturbation? I know this sounds "scheduled" and not 'spontaneous", however, sometimes we do need to schedule our sex lives and make time for pleasure as well.
In what way are you not performing? Ejaculating too soon? Then you may want to look into Tantric techniques to hold off ejaculation (while masturbating) as well as during sex. These techniques take practice (and you have to masturbate to learn them) but they help you hold off longer and can help men become multi-orgasmic (have multiple orgasms).
Also, why do you think she needs more out of sex or your performance? Has she said so? This is something you both should talk about together. Make sure that you don't criticize each other, but that just discuss it, like: "I would like it if you did this more..." Or, "I enjoy it when you do this to me..." or, "I really get turned on when I am touched here..." That sort of thing. As you said above, you communicate well in all other areas, so it is vitally important to communicate about sex as well.
And, yes positions could be helpful, depending on what type of stimulation your wife and you want. Remember, most women can't orgasm without clitoral stimulation. So, if all you are having is penetrative sex, then she is likely not being satisfied. However, if she has a sensitive G-spot, she can get stimulated by penetration, although most women don't know how to do this and it takes a bit of practice. So, oral sex with the clitoris, sex toys that stimulate the clitoris, and other types of stimulation (lots of foreplay) before the actual sex act is VERY important to women. Plus, by the time you actually penetrate her she has most likely already climaxed so the amount of time taken for penetrative sex doesn't matter as much as she is already satisfied.
About anal sex. If she is not interested you are right not to pressure her. Many women have bad experiences with anal, so stay away from that for a while. Maybe, after you both have experimented with other things (toys, tantra, lots of foreplay, role-playing, sensation play, maybe even something a bit kinky...who knows!) she maybe more open to the idea of anal sex.
Finally, if you really think you may be addicted to masturbation, these websites may be helpful-
Although I would read them with a grain of salt and an open mind. Keep in mind that masturbation is not bad, it is the addiction that is harmful.
I hope you find this helpful... I've given you fairly basic answers, so if there is something you want more in depth information about, let me know. I am happy to do so.
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QUESTION: Thank you for that quick, detailed response. She is fairly open minded, I think. She certainly isnt frigid. I just am not sure how to approach some of these subjects. We where virgins, so im still quite inecperianced in many of these manners. She has implied, (jokingly but not, if you know what I mean) that we finish too soon, onky go once, etc. Mutual masturbation is a fantasy of mine. She has watched me do it. (Her request) but we havent done it together. She used to masturbate, I don't kniw if she still does. Toys and positions I think she would like too try, if I approach it correctly. So do u have a step i should now take regarding masturbating?I really appreciate your advice and I wil follow it. Thanks again.
No problem. Glad I could help.
The problem with masturbation a lot is that it is an isolated type of sex, that you don't share with your partner. So, if you two could find a way to share this together I think that would help. Then it wouldn't just be about something you do in secret, or something that is taboo, but something you can mutually enjoy. Addictions have a way of wiring our brains "wrong" and become habit forming. So, maybe associating masturbation as something you do together would help to rewire your thinking/feelings and psychology around it? If you really think it is an addiction though, you should actually seek help from a sex counselor. You didn't mention where you are from, but there are many excellent sex counselors that can help you. I know quite a few personally and can recommend some in the US. With addictions, it is best to get professional help as they are very hard to deal with on your own. Also, you have to find the reason behind it: why you do it, what triggers it, what you may be missing (not necessarily sexually) that makes you want to masturbate to compensate for it.
However, even if it is not an addiction, you should try to abstain and focus on partner sex. Not easy, and that doesn't mean "NO Masturbating at all", but try to do more sexual stuff together. This has to do with sexual exploration together, finding out what you both like, learning new sexual skills, trying new things, and yes, communication.
So, how do you bring this up with her. Tell her you'd like to set a time aside to talk about your sex life. Doesn't need to be this moment, but sometime soon. Set that time aside, and then jot down notes to yourself about what you want to express. What do you want to find out for her? What does she like? What could you do less of? More of? What excites her? What are her fantasies (share yours as well)? Would she be interested in trying some new things like sex toys? New positions? Tantra? What kind of sex does she like? Passionate? Rough? Gentle? Loving? Exciting? A spiritual connection?
Then keep a list of new things you want to try together that you both agree on and try to do one a week, or month, or whatever your timetable for sex allows. Read up on new topics to find out how to hone your skills or get new ones (the art of oral sex, bondage for beginners, sex positions for hitting the g-spot, fun with sex toys), and then practice. You will both be aware that it is a learning experience. Don't put pressure on yourselves to perform, or reach orgasm. Just enjoy the exploration and have fun with it. Some things will work and other will flop, but keep an open mind and a good sense of humor about it. And, also don't forget about foreplay. The anticipation of sex is sometimes more exciting that the act itself. So make foreplay a big part of your sex routine.
Here are a few good articles I found about sex and communication:
You could print these out so you can both read them before you have your conversation. And, don't just have one conversation, continue this as you go. For instance, after a new sexual "experiment" talk about how it went. What did you both like about it? What could have been better? Did it meet your expectations? Do you think it is something you can get better at/more skilled at with time? Should we try it again?... Etc...
Another thing about masturbation, I do advise you to learn more about Tantra. This is something you can also do together, and it involves lots of new ways to experience sex, masturbation, mutual masturbation, sensation play, as well as helping you become a better lover and last longer in bed.
Here is a resource on Tantra.
There are also Tantra games or DVDs you can buy which are helpful in breaking the ice to get you started-
And, if you really do think you are addicted, definitely find a good counselor that can help you.
Hope that helps!