How to Have Great Sex/oral (dis)pleasure



i am a 23 year old guy and i have been with my latest girlfriend for half a year now. She is relatively seen a lot younger than i am (18), and a lot less experienced (i am only the 2nd guy she had sex with, and also the 2nd time overall.) I have always been very careful with her, because she seemed very insecure and also is easy to hurt since she is very tight. I have come to peace with me not being able to last long enough to bring most girls to an orgasm during sex so i worked on being really good at giving head to my girlfriends (got some great tips from a lesbian friend) to either warm them up or finish them off.
The problem is that even though she is showing more initiative lately (she wanted to try some new positions and even anal)
she somehow does not like it when i go down on her. It is not that it does not feel good or does not give her orgasms, she just gets tense whenever i do it. When i asked her she said that she thought it was gross (for me).I told her that i really enjoyed doing it, and i do. I can control her pleasure without having to worry about controlling myself. And whenever i do it anyways (because i know she likes it AFTERWARDS), she immediately goes down on me even though i know she doesnt like giving head. Its like she feels guilty or she would owe it to me. Ironically, i much prefer her giving me a handjob because i like to kiss her while i come. How can i explain to her that i really only want to pleasure her and how can i take the tension away from her?

Hello Ben,

Very good question!  

You sounds like a very awesome lover and very considerate of your partner, and that is a great thing.

Most likely, a lot of her issues stem from her being so young, inexperienced, and that women are often brought up thinking that their vaginas are gross, dirty, whatever. I would keep telling her how much you enjoy it, and that you think she/her lady bits are beautiful. Usually, if we hear enough good reinforcement we tend to believe that over the false myths that society tries to make us believe.  However, this will probably take time and lots of reinforcement on your part.  And, you might show her articles on the internet where vaginas are revered, such as Yoni sites, to show her that vaginas are beautiful and talk about this with her.  Many women struggle with body image their whole lives, but often this gets less as women mature and they come to accept and love themselves.

I would also look at Tantra and some of the breathing techniques they do to enhance orgasms for women.  This will help her learn to relax, get out of her head and just live in the moment of pleasure, instead of worrying : do I smell, does he really like this.. or feeling self-conscious about herself. Another thing you can do is give her a full body erotic massage.  If done correctly, she will be in lala land when you finally go down on her and VERY relaxed.  Kenneth Stubbs has an excellent method on how to do this:

Here is the video link, I highly recommend it-

About the blowjob, maybe next time she wants to reciprocate, tell her to come here and start kissing her and move her hand down to your penis.  Then you don't have to actually say you'd rather this, your body language shows it. You could also say: "I really love it when I am kissing you and I orgasm.  I love the feeling of being connected to you and this really turns me on." Rather than pointing out that you are not big on getting blow jobs, and make her feel she is doing something wrong.

And, finally patience is key.  She is still very young, just beginning to explore her own sexuality.  But she has a great loving partner like you to tutor her, so I'm sure over time, her feelings about her body will get more positive with your help.


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I am happy to answer any questions about human sexuality and how to have great sex. Which positions facilitate G-spot pleasure? What is the best way to explore anal sex for the first time? How can I spice up my sex life? Is kinky sex right for me, and how can I safely explore it? Sex positions, types of orgasm for men and women, how to prolong or delay orgasms, multiple orgasms, Tantra and more... And, don't forget types of foreplay and setting the mood. Feel free to ask me these or any questions you have about how to have great sex.


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