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How to Have Great Sex/Fantasizing About Other Men


I have been in a relationship with my current boyfriend for almost 7 years. I love him with my whole heart. He is a wonderful human being, so much fun to be around, supportive and loving. He makes me feel beautiful and happy.

What concerns me is our sex life. He is adventurous, eager to please and try new things. His attraction for me is so powerful and amazing. Yet, I find myself bored by the act of sex with him. He is very good at what he does and treats me like a goddess, but I feel no sexual attraction, no "spark", so to speak. I find myself constantly picturing other men- celebrity crushes or men in my life I find attractive- and it seems to be the only thing that can mentally turn me on.

When I picture myself without him, it breaks my heart. I love every moment I have with him. I just wish there was some lust involved for me. It is frustrating that I cannot feel that way, physically, for someone I adore and care about so deeply.

Is this a bad sign? I know that a healthy relationship should involve not only love and respect, but a good sex life as well. It just doesn't seem right that I should be fantasizing about other men in order to enjoy sex with my boyfriend, especially when I know I'd be crushed if the tables were turned.

Hello Angela,

Thank you for your question.

Yes, that is somewhat of a dilemma.  However, I don't think it is too uncommon.  What or who we love sometimes doesn't have anything to do with what turns us on sexually, most times. Sexually, we are all wired a certain way, and there is not a lot you can do to control what turns you on.

For example, some sexual fetishists can't get off on anything but a woman's shoes.  While I know that is an extreme scenario, they can't help what turns them on, and their sexual tastes have nothing to do with whom they love.  Obviously they don't love the shoes, but for some bizarre reason, that is what gets them off.

So, I just wanted to illustrate a point that, we really don't have control over what sexually turns us on, and if often has nothing to do with who we love.  So don't feel bad or guilty. This is quite natural.

In most relationships, the sex eventually fizzles out after a while.  Some times there are phases where you may lust after your lover again, or maybe not.  Ultimately, what keeps a relationship together though is not the sex, but compatibility, mutual respect, friendship and love.  There are couples who have a great sex life all their lives, but I think they are few and far between.  Most of us, the sex gets dull. But you can "spice it up" with fantasy (in your head... even if you are fantasizing with someone else).  Fantasies are not reality, and just because you fantasize about someone, doesn't mean you truly want to be with them.

You could also try to think of why these other fantasy men turn you on and your BF doesn't. One reason may be is because it is something new. In our sex lives we tend to get pretty routine. So what if you BF did something to surprise you in bed, or something you weren't expecting.  That might turn you on.  So, you could talk to him about trying new things in the bedroom, that might help light up your libido for him again.

However, I do find that after a while, the love we feel for our significant others turns more into friendship and almost like a sibling love.  They are your best friend, but like a brother, you don't actually find having sex with them appealing.

But, if you can continue having "good sex" with him by fantasizing, I think that is okay.  This is very common, so don't be so hard on yourself.  You still love him, and wouldn't act on your fantasies, so those are safe with you.  

Relationships are not like fairytale unfortunately.  But if you love him, you will stay together and your relationship with naturally evolve.

Hope this helps.


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