You are here:

How to Have Great Sex/I can't be pleasured during sex


I have been in a relationship for over a year, and I have had a lot of sex. I have had a total of 3 sex partners, with varying levels of skill and intimacy, and I have tried every sex position in the book.
I enjoy sex emotionally due to the intimacy between myself and my partner,
BUT I do not enjoy sex physically. No matter what I do, I can not be pleasured by sex. I can't even get close to an orgasm by sex.

Do you think I have a chemical or hormonal imbalance? What are possible physical causes for a complete lack of sexual pleasure?

Thank you.

Hi, Shelli,

I'm afraid that I'm a PhD kind of doctor, not an MD, so I can only offer opinions and guesses.

You have tried three sex partners, but that doesn't tell me whether they knew how to approach you: did you feel an emotional connection with them that they also shared with you?  Did they take their time and build you up so that the two of you were "on the ride" together?  Are they giving you a wide range of foreplay?  Do they know the difference between your "G-spot" and your "A-spot"?  Are they having sex with you for THEIR pleasure or for YOUR pleasure?  

In a general way, what do you think/fantasize about when you're masturbating?  Are your partners able to plug in to your fantasies and build from there?  Do you use vibrators (Hitachi Magic Wand)?  Have you tried "female Viagra" kinds of products?

Please bear in mind -- while the vast majority of partner sex is what is depicted in popular porn movies, there is a substantial proportion of grown adults who look to the world of BDSM for their sexual pleasure.  As this happens to be my own special field, I'd be glad to recommend some books to you if you write back and ask for that information.

As to physiological/psychological causes...  (restating that I'm neither a physician nor a therapist, just someone who writes books about this stuff -- and is 68 and been around the block a few times) women vary widely in how they like to be stimulated.  Said differently, in the same way that some people like chocolate ice cream and others like strawberry ice cream, some women like clitoral stimulation, others like anal stimulation, others like large-object vaginal stimulation.  Some women don't like sex without the addition of some sharp, intense sensation (spanking, whipping, flogging -- back to BDSM).  Some women need to be in control of what the guy is doing -- and until enough trust has been built up, the woman remains wary and on guard (this is the world of power exchange; dominance and submission and female dominants as well a male dominants).  

Now: you also may have fallen into the loop that because you're concerned about not getting sexually aroused you remain so tense and focused on sexual arousal (rather than simply enjoying the sensations) that your fear has become real.  That takes you to the domain of psychological causes.

So: path one -- try more experienced partners who want to GIVE to you rather than get their own sexual needs fulfilled
     path two -- try different kinds of sexual stimulation, explore the world of BDSM
     path three -- get yourself checked out by an OB/Gyn
     path four -- sex counseling

I actually know a woman in the DC area who is a national authority on sex education and BDSM and would be happy to pass her name on to you, if you would like.  

Hope this helps,


How to Have Great Sex

All Answers

Answers by Expert:

Ask Experts


Robert Rubel, PhD


Great sex results from the overall approach you take with women. Great sex starts way before the bedroom. Most men are primarily interested in their own pleasure -- I specialize in ways of turning a so-so sexual experience into an extraordinary one not only with techniques but also by modifying/altering the man's approach to playing sexually with a woman.


Author of: Squirms, Screams and Squirts: Going from Great Sex to Extraordinary Sex I do a two-hour demo/workshop called "How to Pleasure a Woman." It covers mental approach, oral sex, fingering techniques, vibrators and erotic shaving.

None relevant to this topic.

My other books deal with aspects of BDSM -- alternative sexuality.

BA, Univ of Colorado -- English with secondary school teaching cert. EdM, Boston University -- Urban Education PhD, Univ. of Wisconsin, Madison -- Urban Education Policy Studies with minor in criminology

Awards and Honors
Well, my book has been selling on Amazon mostly below the 5,000 sales rank for over two years.

©2017 All rights reserved.