How to Have Great Sex/Need Help with BF



I'm having some intimacy issues in my relationship.  My boyfriend and I don't have sex that often and when we do its not always that great for me. We use toys, I dance for him, we try different positions and he asks me what do I like, what is he doing wrong but the truth is I don't know what I really like and I think I'm just not that sexually attracted to him.  I'm 27 and have had some amazing sex in previous relationships/ dating situations so I know what I'm capable of experiencing sex wise &  he just isn't able to match up. He doesn't really make me orgasm vaginally and most of the time I use my toy to finish off. I'm trying not the compare him to past lovers but I never had to do much work to get turned on and I can't really explain what it is that he doesn't have. Its not really about his "size", there is just "something"  missing.

I love him to pieces and really want to sort this all out. He feels like I don't desire him because I don't come on to him and never initiate sex. He may be right. I'm looking for some advice for myself because I know he's attracted to me. Its me that is having the issue with being attracted to him. I feel that once I properly educate myself on what it is that I like, then I can pull him in and show him how to please me. This is our only hope to fix a relationship that is 85% perfect. He is sooo in love with me and I love him too but I don't think we will make it unless we find a way to sexually connect. He feels less than a man and I hate seeing him hurt and feel inadequate when he is amazing. He is willing to do whatever it takes to please me and he tries so hard. I feel terrible. We talk marriage and family but sex is supposed to connect us and its not right now. How will it ever if we get married?

Please help me by telling me how I can explore my own sexuality so that I can find enjoyment in having sex with my boyfriend.


The first thing I see is that you're not having sex very often.  Most couples your age in a relationship have sex 3-4 times per week.  If you were having sex that frequently, you would increase the chances that some of it would be great.  You would also find out more easily how to fix it so that you enjoy it.  Many women don't reach orgasm in vaginal intercourse.  There is nothing wrong with finishing yourself off by masturbating clitorally after sex.  You can also show your boyfriend how to do this.  There are also toys that can be used during intercourse that will stimulate the clitoris.  

You seem too determined to give up and ready to move on.  If you're really not into this guy, then maybe that's what you should do.

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Doug Adams, Ph.D.


I am willing to answer questions in all areas of sexuality. I have been giving advice to both males and females for over 13 years, and in that time I have answered thousands of questions. I advocate taking healthy practices into account in engaging sexually.


I have written the web site for over 13 years, taking questions from both males and females on sexuality.

I have a Ph.D. in a field unrelated to sexuality from one of the leading educational institutions of the world.

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