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How to Have Great Sex/Sex W/ BF is Not That Great

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Question
Hi there,

I'm having some intimacy issues in my relationship.  My boyfriend and I don't have sex that often and when we do its not always that great for me. We use toys, I dance for him, we try different positions and he asks me what do I like, what is he doing wrong but the truth is I don't know what I really like and I think I'm just not that sexually attracted to him.  I'm 27 and have had some amazing sex in previous relationships/ dating situations so I know what I'm capable of experiencing sex wise &  he just isn't able to match up. He doesn't really make me orgasm vaginally and most of the time I use my toy to finish off. I'm trying not the compare him to past lovers but I never had to do much work to get turned on and I can't really explain what it is that he doesn't have. Its not really about his "size", there is just "something"  missing.

I love him to pieces and really want to sort this all out. He feels like I don't desire him because I don't come on to him and never initiate sex. He may be right. I'm looking for some advice for myself because I know he's attracted to me. Its me that is having the issue with being attracted to him. I feel that once I properly educate myself on what it is that I like, then I can pull him in and show him how to please me. This is our only hope to fix a relationship that is 85% perfect. He is sooo in love with me and I love him too but I don't think we will make it unless we find a way to sexually connect. He feels less than a man and I hate seeing him hurt and feel inadequate when he is amazing. He is willing to do whatever it takes to please me and he tries so hard. I feel terrible. We talk marriage and family but sex is supposed to connect us and its not right now. How will it ever if we get married?

Please help me by telling me how I can explore my own sexuality so that I can find enjoyment in having sex with my boyfriend.
Thanks,

Feeling Frustrated

Answer
Hi Melissa,

You may be right in both that he just doesn't turn you on and that knowing what excites you may help him do a better job.

Let's start by remembering the really good sex you have had in the past.   What made it so good?
Remember in detail what was going on. Visualize it.  Remember what the man was doing, what you were doing, the sight, sound and feel of it.  Visualize it vividly.  Do this with several examples of the really good sex.  Then compare them and see what the similarities were.  You may find that something was going on there that isn't going on now.  This may well show you what turns you on.

Do you masturbate?  That is the best way for you to know what it takes to get you off.  Spend some time exploring your own body.  Just lie down on your bed alone and explore your body, touch your self and see what really feels good, what brings you to orgasm.  Once you know what it takes then you can show him.

There is a get to know exercise that I recommend.  The object of this is not to have sex but to explore each others bodies.  I recommend subdues lighting.  Enough light that you can see each others bodies but not so much that it feels clinical.  With both of you naked and in bed take turns exploring.   he lies on his back and you with finger tips, lips and tongue explore his body.  Start with his left hand finger tips and move up his arm to his neck and face and then the other hand and up.  Then his upper torso and stomach, skip to his feet and move up ending with an exploration of his genital.  Remember you are not going to get him off. I am sure he will be very aroused.    The have him do the same thing to you.   What you are doing here is learning what it takes for each of you to be aroused and how to do it.  You should talk through out the exercise.

Good luck and have fun,

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Tom Blair

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Sexual Relationship Coaching. A published author. I am comfortable answering questions dealing with most areas of sex.

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Neural Linguistic Practitioner Hypnotherapist Sexual Relationship Coach Internationally read author. Retired Educator All relationships are based on having certain needs being met. Healthy relationships are ones where there is a mutual meeting of these needs. Respect, honesty, communication are just some of those needs When those needs and others are not being met, the relationship will fall into disrepair. Together we will identify those needs and work to correct the imbalance. It is not too late, love can be rekindled. And it can last a life time.

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Neural Linguistic Practitioner Hypnotherapist Sexual Relationship Coach Internationally read author. Retired Educator

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