Expert: Jay Burridge (DNR) - 11/10/2006

Question
Thanks for the timely response but what suggestions or tips can you offer me to aviod this problem?

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The text above is a follow-up to ...

-----Question-----
In the past few years I have been with several women, many of them more beautiful and gorgeous than your average. Now the issue is that these women never meant anything to me, never fell in love with them, never told I cared because I didn't, they were they ones who would call me in the middle of the night to initiate sex telling me that I had been one of the best, if not, the best lover in their lives. Now I have been dating this girl maybe close to year, it just has been recently in the past few months that we have begun having sex (longest I have ever waited, but shes worth it). I LOVE her to the last drop of my body, she is perfection to me, she is not the most attractive female ever but to me she is the world. The thing is though I  have been having a lot of trouble having sex with her. Some nights it amazing sex others I can't even get hard, and it frustrates me to see her lying their naked after giving me oral sex and I cant get it up, this has never happened to me before, I'm in my mid 20's it its freaking me out. I want to please her so bad repeatedly every night but some days either I cant get it up or I cum on the first stroke. This is a first for me, and I hate myself for it, that I can't take care of my woman's needs. Please help me...
-----Answer-----
Dear Wally,

I think this problem could be a repercussion of your history of objectifying women and using them for your own gratification without even caring about them. Also when you consider yourself to be a "great lover" your psyche has a lot to live up to and now that you have a woman you say you "love " (although you also say she isn't the most attractive you've ever had which is somewhat of a conundrum) your body can't react like a normal guy's would.

Best wishes and please rate my answer,

John  

Answer
Dear Wally,


I think what you have is a mild case of a a Madonna/Whore Complex which is a Freudian term. In short because of your history of objectifying women you see beautiful women as something to use for our own gratification and a woman that you love as being 'not sexual" but "nice" and therefore you do not want to "violate" her by a sexual act. I think you might need some Therapy to get over this distinction that your subconscious mind makes until you have assimilated  that women are people with sexual needs wether they are beautiful or not.

Best wishes and could you please rate my answer?

John