Expert: Fox - 12/12/2007

Question
Hi my girlfriend and me have been having great sex for a year but she is also the first to give me head and when it comes to her giving me head its really hard to know when I'm going to cum since I've never had that experience...but when we do it I feel a warm sensation but it more like a peeing sensation so we just stop after that...what does that mean is it me wanting to come or pee or what??can you help??

Answer
Carlos

I'm not really sure about the peeing sensation. Maybe she's not really that good at it? I know you're not very experienced at it. If you'd like, show her the blowjob advice (at the end) or give her some ideas from that, or from your own fantasies, on how she can make oral better for you.

This basically covers all the bases if your woman can't bring you to orgasm, whether it's only from oral, handjobs or intercourse that you can't cum, or whether you just can't cum with her in general. This advice assumes that you can have orgasms by himself, from masturbating, or in other ways... but that she can't actually MAKE you cum. If you can't have orgasms at all, you need to go and see a doctor immediately and tell them. But if you can cum by yourself, just not with her, or with her, but not when she's in control (oral, handjob, woman on top), then this advice is for you...

That is a large part of the problem. There are a lot of men who simply can't be MADE to cum - or not easily... they often have to be partially or completely in control in order to reach and pass the point of orgasm.

It's a very common problem. I used to have it myself. I could go for hours but not cum during sex. You're probably so used to coming a different way, and it's difficult to adjust, a bit like when women use vibrators all the time and then can't cum any other way.

It doesn't mean anything. It definitely doesn't mean anything about you or her... that she doesn't turn you on, or that you're not good in bed, or that she's not, or you're inexperienced, or she is. None of that has anything to do with this at all, I promise you. Every man is different. Some may come if a woman so much as takes her clothes off, and a lot of men do have premature ejaculations from very little stimulation, but there are lots of men who aren't easy to make cum at all. In fact, a lot of guys don't cum during sex, or can only get themselves off - either in private, or in front of their partners.

The best thing to do is definitely to tell her how you make yourself cum... how often, and using what methods. There are lots of weird and wacky ways that men get themselves off as well as the usual fist pumping jerking off. Get to a point where you are comfortable enough with her to share with you the way you make yourself come.

Once you have shared the methods with her, it's time for some action. Allow her to actually show her the way you make yourself cum. Once you are comfortable enough with her, you will be able to do that: bring yourself to orgasm while she watches. She should play with herself too (mutual masturbation) to make you feel more comfortable.

Next time you do it, you have to let her actually take part. Whisper in your ear, encourage you, touch you (tell her how you want her to touch you, or tell her to just do whatever she wants). Then maybe the time after that, you can let her help you jerk your cock, or she can suck it between strokes... gradually, bit by bit, in private to make yourself cum. Once she actually MAKES you cum, there will be no turning back. You will get used to it, and then you'll be able to cum from her making you cum all the time.

This requires a lot of dedication, it may take time, maybe months of trying, but it's the only way she can actually make you cum, unless you sexually evolve somewhere down the line and are able to cum more easily, but don't count on it. I think it's worth it.

Once she can make you cum with your hand, or the way you do, it'll be much easier to make you come in other ways, like with her mouth.

One alternative, if you're really kinky, and never cum from regular oral, is to just fuck her mouth. Tell her you want to use her mouth like it's your dirty whore pussy (if she lets you talk to her like that) and to fuck it hard, or just ask her nicely. Fuck her mouth the way you want to fuck her pussy and ass. Then have her purse her lips and get ready as you grab the back of her head and literally fuck her mouth and throat.

For men that have to have control to orgasm, this can be the only way to achieve oral orgasm. Literally fucking a woman's mouth to climax the way you would fuck her pussy. She may also have to lie down and let you do it on top of you, if you're having trouble getting the right angle standing up while she's on her knees.

Only do that kind of thing if you're really sure she's ready for it and wants it. She might say she's not into it or think you're not into it, but that might just be because she thinks you wouldn't be, so convince her that you're up for it, if she is.

If you're not cumming during sex, that's probably a good thing. It reduces the risk of pregnancy if not disease :) it's also completely normal.

If you're not getting anywhere near orgasm, that's a problem. If you're near orgasm but never go over the edge you're probably purposefully holding back. You'll actually, ironically, probably fuck her much BETTER - your cock will be harder, more swollen... if you're approaching orgasm and holding back from it as you fuck her. The longer you hold it, the better it will be if and when you does release it.

If you literally can't cum during sex, it might be because you're nervous, or again, because you're used to cumming by your own hand. Repeat the methods above, and you should be able to slowly get over it. Also discuss all your sex fantasies, and write back and ask me for all the things that drive a man wild (for her to do to you), and how to make her explode and go crazy (to keep her satisfied in the meantime), those might help...

It's going to take some time to get to a point where you can cum for her, but do 2 things:

(1) As I said above... Show her how you make yourself cum, then let her do things to you while you're doing it that turn you on. Work up until she's actually stimulating you to orgasm, or near to it, or finishing you off. She probably thinks she doesn't make you cum cause you're not turned on by her. Explain that your cock is hard for so long, how can she even think that? She keeps you hard for hours!

(2) Your other problem is that you should give your cum to her. Try saving it up. Yes, that's right. This is very importan, you must trust me. Don't cum when you're alone. Swear it off, stop cold turkey. You go a few days without cumming, you're going to be very very very horny when you're in her fucking her. You keep avoiding orgasm in private, you're gonna be busting a nut from fucking her sooner or later. You'll just get so desperate for orgasm, you won't be able to help it. Once that happens, you can go from there. I try to never masturbate when I'm living with a girl, so she gets what Dave Grohl would describe as "the best of me".

Almost half of all men either can't or don't usually come from blowjobs or handjobs, no matter how hard a woman tries. It's not because she's not good: it's because all your life you've been in control of your own orgasms (masturbation) so that's the only way you can cum.

When you're fucking her, and you're in control of the movement, you'll be able to cum. Or rub against her (dry humping), against her thigh or something... and you'll be able to cum for her.

But your orgasm shouldn't be for her, it would be a little selfish and mean if she was getting mad about this, although it's understandable that it makes her feel unattractive or bad in bed. But she's dead wrong.

You should show her my answer, because she sounds like she needs to seriously be kinder and more understanding: there's NOTHING abnormal about this and this has NO reflection on her, or you.

Show her how you masturbate. Then the next time, have her touch you while you do it. Little by little, work her into actually making you cum on her own. That might work.

Good luck, and don't forget to rate me as an expert. Also, if you have time, please say thankyou by going to my music website, www.foxelipsus.com , clicking on "music", and having a quick listen to my songs, for free. Then if you can, let me know what you think by e-mailing me privately at foxelipsus@yahoo.com, or by leaving a comment on my guestbook. No sex comments on the guestbook though (!) I keep the sex and music sort of separate.

Sincerely
Fox Salehi

PS
Here is some blowjob advice FOR HER

GIVING A GREAT BLOWJOB

For me, personally, the idea of a beautiful woman's gorgeous lips wrapped around my cock is just delicious. Absolutely hot. The physical feeling of BJs are not always so exquisite. They can be uncomfortable, or can just feel strange. It's often not the woman's fault. At the same time I have had some amazing blowjobs. But every man is completely different, that is the crucial rule. Some men come when a pretty girl breathes on their cock. Some men couldn't even cum from the best looking woman in the world that they were madly in love and lust with blowing them, because they just don't get off unless they are in control.

So it's impossible for me to give you "the ultimate blowjob" advice, because some things work for some and not for others. Still, I'll give you some general advice that will definitely help you blow his mind and rock his world. Also, ask me for my "how to drive a man wild" advice, for some non-oral extras.

Blowjobs are definitely the definition of paradise and heaven for many men. But be aware that there are men that just don't like them... there are men who either dont get hard from BJs or can not cum from BJs  usually men who always like to be in control of their own orgasms. I have more advice about these problems and how to get over them if those are your specific problems... let me know.

If you come across a man who doesn't come from blowjobs, there are long-term ways that you can change him sexually so that he can come for you... but you'll have to ask me for that specific advice. There is also one way to possibly change that. It is rather extreme, some women wouldn't go for it. You (in either a flat-on-your-back position or a kneeling position, whichever he is more comfortable in) will allow him to grab the back of your head, insert his cock in your wide-open mouth with pursed sexy lips, and simply fuck your throat as if it were a pussy. You can encourage him if he likes dirty talk by telling him to fuck your mouth with his big hard cock as if your mouth were a dirty whore's pussy or ass. Ooh. Hot.

Yes, youll gag and yes, you might throw up, but some girls do actually enjoy gagging and throat-fucking... especially masochistic or submissive or just plain wild girls, and I can guarantee you that many many men LOVE that kind of whore-like throat-fucking BJ. If you let him use your throat like that it might inspire him to get even more into you and wild about you, or if he's a total asshole, he might start disrespecting you because you let him use your mouth as if you were a whore. Be careful that your man is the kind who loves a sexually deviant, liberated woman, not one who is scared of them, before you try the fuck my throat tactic. If he wants a tiny flower who is innocent and virginal, you are better off with someone less controlling and more open-minded and appreciative of women as human beings and sexual creatures.

For every girl that loves to be fucked in the throat till she gags, there are probably three or four that hate it. If you hate it, DONT DO IT and dont let him fuck your throat hard like that. Unless you love him doing things to you that you don't like... some people are like that, you know. Dont let him have control of the BJ if hes abusing your throat and not being gentle, or rather, again, only let him do that if you like it.

For non-violent blowjobs which wont hurt your throat, the advice is as follows, although you've probably heard this and a million other things in girls' magazines. The reason why there are so many different "perfect blowjobs" is because, like I said, every single man likes something different, and there are no general rules except that... if he lets you play with his ass, and you do it right, you will rock his fucking world.

Most important: make sure it is wet. Dry BJs are not much more fun than dry fucking. Unless, as always, that's your thing. But for most men, wet, slushy, sloppy blowjobs are the ONLY kind of blowjobs. Just like when hes eating your pussy and driving you crazy with his mouth (don't tell me he doesn't do that? If he doesn't do that why the hell would you blow him? Hehe), it HAS TO BE WET to feel good. Use LOTS of spit, and LOTS more. Make it really wet with your mouth. The wetter the better, so they say.

If you're going to give a whore-like blowjob, some whore-like make-up doesn't go amiss. Again, it depends on the man, some don't like heavy make up, some like it all the time, a lot of guys like it for BJs... bright hot pink or red are often the sexiest colours for BJ visuals. Just think, he's seen porn. If you've see porn girls give head, you know what men like. Those girls know what they're doing. Be his fantasy girl, put on a ton of slutty lipstick and suck his hard cock like you worship it completely. Yummy. You're turning me on just thinking about you sucking my cock. Wow.

Next, the swirling, French-kissing technique is usually good. French kiss the head of his cock as if youre in a porn movie... the boys love eye contact... kiss it, suck on it, swirl your tongue around it, over it, under it, encircle it. Purse your lips and let it slip inside, and then swish your tongue all over the head. Even if you're not into the throat fucking thing, slide it back into your mouth and do a little fucking motion, or maybe encourage him to fuck the side of your mouth, the inside of your cheek, so he can see it pushing out of your mouth through your skin. It's all about the visuals with a lot of men.

Anyone who tells you guys do, or don't, like their balls licked or shaft sucked is generalizing. Some like it, some don't. For some, it's the bees knees. Ask him. Many, many guys like for you to vary it up, lick down their shaft, lick their balls, suck on their balls, lick the place between their balls and ass, and hey, LICK HIS ASSHOLE, if youre up for it, and he's not insecure about his sexuality (which is why most men don't want their asses played with), or insecure about the taste (assure him that you love it even if you only half love it, it'll make him feel better about letting you lick it...). 75% of men ADORE having their asshole licked. Lick it good, like youre licking clitty  itll drive him crazy 'cause that's where all his nerve endings are. You can even tongue-fuck it if you're really daring... very very hot. Make noises and moans and oral vibrations into his ass while you're doing it, to let him know you're into it, and to make him feel even better.

Do it for maybe ten or fifteen minutes. Then, when you want to make him cum, if youre not willing to let him fuck your mouth, its best to still attempt to recreate the fucking motion, you know, open your mouth a little wider (so your teeth arent involved) and try bobbing your head up and down on it (or back and forth), letting it slide between your lips and into your mouth, then out again. Imagine you are a pussy, riding a cock, and you are trying to go faster and harder to get him and yourself off. That is the kind of rhythm you should be looking for. That may get him off.

Better still, ASK HIM how to make you cum. He might know a lot better than you do, especially if he's had blowjobs before. Have him direct you. There's no better way to pleasure a guy than knowing exactly what he likes.

Some other things most guys like in blowjobs:

LOTS OF EYE CONTACT. If you have his head in your mouth and you look in his eyes like you wanna rape him and fuck his brains out, the BJ will feel that much better. I said that already but it can't be said enough.

LOTS OF SPIT  spit on it and pull your mouth away, holding it in your tightly-clenched fist... let the strings of spit and drool hang from his cock to your lips, then suck it and spit on it more  thats what a lot of guys like, and thats how the pornstars do it.

DON'T STOP... When hes coming, its best to just keep doing what youre doing. Thats my best advice for that. If you dont want him to cum in your mouth, then jack it really hard, pump it with your fist, and aim the cock wherever you want the cum  tits, face, tummy, guys like cumming on those places  but usually nothing as much as in your mouth. Just don't stop or completely change it up when he's cumming. Also be aware that right after orgasm, men's cocks are very very sensitive, so after he's started cumming, once he's almost done cumming, be very very gentle with his spent cock.

NO COLDSORES... if you have a coldsore (you know what that is, right), you may think it's harmless, but it's an oral form of herpes. If you suck his cock while you have a coldsore, you may give him genital herpes, and that will stay with him for life. Don't do it! Wait it out!

So I hope that advice helps with giving a blowjob. Some last 2 minutes and are a quick precursor to sex, some last half an hour and are entities unto themselves.

One thing to remember  VERY IMPORTANT: you should not give it without expecting it in return. There is nothing as heavenly as having your pussy licked and your g-spot fingered to glorious, squirting orgasm. You should expect him to go down on you, preferably BEFORE you suck him off. It makes more sense  he makes you cum, then you make him hard and he fucks you. Or he makes you cum, and then you make him cum. Once the guy cums, he often loses a lot of sexual motivation, so if you're going for orgasm with him, don't expect too much intensity from him afterwards, and definitely don't make him cum if you intend to have sex with him. Just bring him near the brink and keep him there and tell him not to cum, because you need him to fuck you.

And have him lick you before the BJ because some pathetic guys lose their erections between BJ and sex if they have to go down. Other guys, like me for example, get hardest of ALL when we're licking a girl's ass, pussy, legs, feet, breasts, tummy, neck... nothing makes me harder than licking a beautiful woman's pussy and ass until she cums all over my face. That, for me, is the ultimate foreplay.

If hes not going down on you, make sure that he does. If hes no good at it, ask me and Ill tell you how to tell him how to make it really good. If he refuses to lick you and make you cum, well, youre giving your BJs to the wrong guy and you can find someone that worships you and wants to give you pleasure as well as getting pleasure from you.

Some guys like to have their heads pushed down into the pussy area  you know, forcing him to service you. Maybe try that. Or push his face into your ass and make him worship you back there. It feels very, very good. More and more men are admitting that they love to worship a woman back there. Lots of men love licking sexy girls asses and pussies. Make him lick you wherever you want to be licked.

Whatever the case, just make sure hes getting his  and youre getting yours. Dont sell yourself short and dont worry about any of it, sex is supposed to be fun, not stressful  it's one of the best and most fun and pleasurable parts of life!