Expert: Jeanette A - 11/1/2009

Question
QUESTION: I need to know something that's nagging me...

Suppose you had a gargantuan argument with someone, a distant acquaintance, not a friend. The subject of the argument is irrelevant, who started is irrelevant, whose fault it is is irrelevant. All that remains to be noted is that things can *never* work out between the two of you again, and you are disgusted and infuriated with that person.

In a bid for revenge, would you go so far as to turn your acquaintances against that person, and urge them to boycott him/her? Regardless of the fact that *nothing* ever went wrong wrong between your acquaintances and that person? Regardless of the fact that s/he *never* gave them a reason to dislike him/her, and even after his/her relationship with you has soured, they have nothing to fear from him/her? Regardless of the fact that s/he hardly even interacted with most of your acquaintances (let alone fight with them), and many in fact were good friends with him/her?

If you knew for certain that your acquaintances would listen to what you said, regardless of what relationship they shared with him/her, would you use that power and influence to make them boycott him/her?

Please help out...

ANSWER: Hello Pixie,

My advice is NO. This advice could/could not be irrelevant depending on whether or not you are actually that spiteful.

Why would you go to such extreme lengths to get your acquaintances to dislike this person lets give him a name...Bob. If the problem was between you and Bob you needn't include your friends as they do not have a place in this relation you have with Bob. Its personal not social. Let me just clarify that.

You seem much more mature than that and I am surprised you wouldn't prefer to focus all your thoughts and energy into something more proactive rather than reactive. So Bob did something wrong by you - confront Bob. Solve the problem, don't make a problem within a problem - you don't get very far with that.

Another point - power. Power over what? Do you actually think people are robots and they can be programmed into doing as you say? This isn't a game there are peoples feelings on the line and I think when you start thinking about how other people will feel people will think of how you feel. What you sow is what you reap.

Let me end with one thing...say you had the 'power' to change your 'friends' thoughts and turn them against Bob. How do you think your 'friends' will react or feel when they know you planned this all along just so everyone hates Bob...do you think you will gain trust and future friendship with these 'friends'. I can answer that for you - No. Instead they will pity you and you will not feel so powerful after all because what comes around goes around. Stop the cycle before karma smacks you in the face.

Thats my opinion and sorry if I come across harsh but truth is always hard to take in at first but it becomes more gentle over the days, weeks and years. Goodluck with your decision - hope you make the right one, one not to regret!


Warm Regards,
Jeanette

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I wish to thank you profusely for your prompt response. And I'll break your misconception.

I am the victim of social boycott here. And it's horrid.

It's NOT that I had an incurable fight with someone and wanted to take revenge by social boycott. It's that I had an incurable fight with someone, and SHE took her revenge on me in this manner.

Though I am completely convinced of my viewpoint, I had actually started feeling a tad guilty when I heard hers. Now I no longer feel guilty because she got twice the revenge she wanted; she's still as popular if not more, and I'm still as miserable if not more.

Dozens of people I have NEVER given a reason to even REMOTELY dislike me have now boycotted me permanently. A couple of close friends with whom I had shared LOVELY times just abandoned me. People with whom I had never even interacted, let alone been hostile to, are avoiding me.

It amazes me how people will throw you out of their lives even though you had perfectly cordial, often intimate, relationships with them earlier, and never, ever hurt them. People have lost the ability to compartmentalise.

More so, it amazes me how the last category of people I mentioned threw me out of their lives without knowing who I am and what I stand for.


All of them based their judgement on what someone else told them. Or on what friends of that someone else told them Or on what friends of friends of that someone else told them.

I wish life were so simple that I could take a printout of your response and show it to her and say, "See? See? See? The expert says what you did to me, no matter how angry you were, was wroooooong!' LOL

Thank you for your advice. It was practical, insightful and valuable.

Answer
Hey Pixie,

Yikes my bad. I didn't realise that it was you in this situation. My goodness! I suggest one thing...

Print it out and put it in her locker or something. Edit it and leave only the parts you want. Sounds like this girl needs some sense kicked into her thick skull. Sadly, we can't control what people do or say. We can only control one thing and thats ourselves. The ignorance of other people will dissipate in time when they find out the truth, that is unless they are as brainless as she is, then yea I don't see that ever happening.

Lastly, in time as you mature even more so, you will realise that people who side before hearing both sides are not worth any of your time. I suggest you find yourself a small group of friends who you can enrich yourself with rather than wasting time worrying about people who are more interested in taking sides with a retard.

Take up a hobby or indulge in one you have - find your feet and be objective and by any means do not change!!! You seem like an awesome girl who just needs the right group of friends to make that evident to everyone else around you.

Go get em! Keep us posted! Once again apologies for my lack of understanding :)

Take care,
Jeanette