Expert: Mike De Bruyn - 2/21/2005

Question
Hi Mike
Thanks so much for your answer, it was really helpful.  I have a couple of follow up questions....can you tell me the difference between hypnotherapy, hypnosis and NLP?  Do you recommend one over another?  Is there a price range for these services that I should expect?  Also, can you make any referrals of recommended hypnotists who could really help me in the greater Hartford Connecticut area?
Thanks again, you were great!
Anne

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Followup To
Question -
After being on a diet yo yo for the past ten years or so, I am considering joining Positive Changes hypnosis to lose about 40 lbs.  Several years ago, I went to an individual hypnotist for the same thing and wasn't motivated enough to continue listening to the tapes.  I am an emotional eater under a considerable amount of stress.  Positive Changes is quite expensive as you know, but it would be worth it IF IT WORKS.  What do you think?
Thank you,
Anne
Answer -
Hi Anne,

Gee, I wish I had better news for you.  Hypnosis, combined with the right attitude and some dedication on your part will work well for health related issues such as yours.

The bad news is re: hypno franchises and the particular one you reference.  I have heard nothing good, and only bad about them from my colleges.  Here are some points to consider.  They come from what I have been repeated told by my colleges and apply only if the situation is the same.  Obviously, I don't know what will happen in the “store” you go to – every case is different.  But just to pass along what I have heard:

1) You don't want some organization which hires people off the street to follow a plan.  You are an individual and should be dealt with as such.  Your make-up is not the same as others.  What works for one person is not the best approach for others.  This observation applies to getting your taxes done as well.  The major tax preparation franchises set up a "school" in about November or so to teach people off the street how to do taxes and then put those who they observe can hold a pencil firmly in an office to do YOUR taxes -- for the first time in their lives.  Makes no sense.  Likewise be aware of any OTHER franchise and be particularly alert to the abilities of the person helping YOU.

2) Looking at the way they work, you get someone who might have no skills at all and who is constrained to read things to you from a book.  Weight?   Pages 1-20.  Smoking?  Pages 21-40.  Etc.  The REAL tragedy is when well trained hypnotherapists have joined that outfit; they were not even ALLOWED to use their knowledge but were confined to reading from a book.  They have reported a dismal situation.

3) This kind of place offers a money back guarantee, so I've heard, but I've also heard that actually getting it back is quite another matter.

4) With that approach there is no possibility of getting to what YOUR individual issues might be, which caused you to need help.  IOW, a one size fits all approach (no pun).  But you have gotten to where you are because of CHOICES you have made and those were driven by BELIEFS you have which are your OWN.  Sure, I can list on the fingers of one hand the beliefs which most people have adopted which have lead to weight problems … but I don't know which apply to YOU and in what combination!

5) Despite what you might have heard, simply reading magic words to someone does not very often help much.  IOW, it might help SOMEWHAT, but not enough to solve the problem completely and for the long term.  What you need is to discover what you believe that has caused the problem and to change that.  Hypnosis works well in uncovering those believes and helping change them, but someone off the street reading from a book can not do that.  AND that observation applies to ANY hypnotist you encounter.  You should find out how he works and what his beliefs are about hypnotherapy before you let him read stories to you.  Some of the things I have heard are appalling.

6) You bring up an TWO excellent points which I recommend you focus on right now:

a)   You are an EMOTIONAL eater.  That is a good first identification.  One thing you need to do is to decouple your emotional experience from the action of eating.  But that is not the whole answer.  It is necessary to discover WHAT emotions are at work and HOW they work – exactly.
b)   You WERE not sufficiently motivated last time.  As it turns out, only under the most exceptional circumstances will any change “work” if you are not sufficiently motivated.  The first thing you should do no matter what course you choose, is to really become deeply motivated – and the motivation must be very emotional and not for any other reason other than YOU.  IOW, don't try to lose weight for a spouse or kids or a friends wedding – those kinds of things have very little power to sustain you through the process.

7) You also mention listening to his tapes.  This is a tricky thing.  I also give my clients tapes (actually, usually CDs now ;-) but I have no expectation, and I see to it that my clients have no expectation, that the real WORK is happening with the tapes.  The real change happens in the office and the tapes are just a “bit of support” to keep the client's focused.  I would be very careful about getting tapes.  Be sure that they are just a “throw in”, and not the whole therapy.  (AND, I never charge for them as an addition to therapy.  I just don't think the “nickel and dime” approach to this stuff does anything good for anyone.)

8) Before you select someone to work with you, I really suggest that you do your homework.  Obviously, on your self, as I've said above, but also to find someone who will help you.  Think about it, this is YOUR situation and only YOU can change it.  So it's not fair to expect someone ELSE to DO IT TO YOU.  OTOH, it IS reasonable to expect someone you select to HELP you change will have a consistent theory and set of beliefs that will work to HELP YOU change.  So be sure that you talk to others he has helped and give weight (no pun) to what you see and hear from them.

9) NLP is a hypnotic discipline but also has a lot of other tools which work quite well.  These days, unless you find a hypnotist who has been in the business for many years and has a long line of successful and happy clients, I'd be looking for someone who has a good grasp of NLP and is able to explain it to you and CONVINCE you that they will be able to help you with it.

10) Ask a LOT of questions and talk to MANY possible hypnotists or hypnotherapists.  You will learn a lot and develop a good “sense” of who you “click” with.  Go with your intuition on this.  Ask how hypnosis works and what it is.  Who the hell knows how to answer that, but you can evaluate the person as he talks.  Is he just BSing you or does he seem to know what he is talking about?  Ask what kind of induction he uses.  Now THAT question should alert him that you are someone who knows what they want.  If he tells you he uses a “progressive relaxation” induction, consider moving on.  That is the mark of someone who has not kept up with the times, if he has been in the business for a while, or if new, got his training from books and tapes.  Ask about his “guarantee”!  I don't think it's reasonable for him to guarantee that you will CHANGE – that is up to you, so if he does, I'd be wary.  I DO think it is reasonable for him to guarantee that you will be HYPNOTIZED, and that you will AGREE that you were – within a few minutes of starting with him.  If he can't guarantee that he will hypnotize you – move on.  I mean, would you go to a mechanic who could not open the hood of your car?  Ask him about tapes and such.  Listen to his answer.  If it seems very important that you listen to tapes, I'd move on.

So what SHOULD he list as important for your success?  Here is just a quick list of a few things;

-   He should insist on a good long interview with you.  IOW, just not get down to work the minute you walk in the door.  He should have lots of questions about what you think about yourself and how you feel about eating and why and under what situations and so on.  In addition, he should not even think about charging you until AFTER that point.  IOW, how can HE even know if HE is going to be able to help you until HE talks to YOU?  I mean, think about it – it's a two way street and if you are not going to be motivated and ready how can he say he can help you?  That's just not realistic and I take it to be the mark of someone who does not have your best interests at heart.

-   He should use rapid or instant inductions.  If you ask how long the actual hypnotic induction should take, before you start to do the weight loss work, he should say something like 3 minutes or so.  He might say 30 seconds!  It can go that quickly if he knows what he is doing.  But nail that down so you know what kind of person you are dealing with.  If it takes a half an hour to induce the trance state, there is very little time left to DO anything!  I mean, unless the idea of a “session” is all day!

-   Will he teach you self-hypnosis as part of the deal?  I always give ALL of my clients that from day one.  They learn how to put themselves in a trance state for relaxation, stress reduction, and emotional support.

-   He should be able to explain to you why (in very general terms) you have the problem with eating you have, but NOT tell you SPECIFICALLY until after the interview, and even more to the point, after the hypnotic session (things might be uncovered there that even YOU don't know right now).  So be cautious of someone who seems to have NO idea, or someone who thinks they have ALL the answers.

-   Ask what he will do – in DETAIL.  Get a ton of information.  Why would he not want to tell you?  Is he just going to tell you over and over that you are not hungry?  Is he going to ONLY tell you about how great you will feel to be in a size ZERO!  Get specific – or rather MAKE him get specific.  Most good therapists use a combination of “suggestion” and “end result imagery” as well as “hypnoanalysis” to uncover subconscious motivations of which you are not aware.  He should mention ALL of that kind of stuff to you.  You will be able to judge after you talk to a half dozen people who is making sense and who got it from a book.

-   Ask about NLP and other modalities.  If he thinks they are crap … move on.  If he says they are great, ask for a good explanation of how they work.  If he stammers or talks in vague generalities you can't make sense of, you know he has no clue and you should keep on shopping.

-   Ask what YOU have to bring to the table.  IOW, what is it that you have to do in order to be motivated, have the right mind set, how much discipline and will power it will take, and so on.  I could write for another hour but you will quickly figure out who knows what is going on just by asking enough people.

-   Ask how many sessions it will take.  If he says 3 (or any small number like that), be cautious – how does he know before he completes the first session and knows what he is dealing with?  OTOH, if he has NO CLUE, push a bit.  How long does it take the AVERAGE person?  (That's kind of an unfair question, but you are not evaluating the answer, so much as HOW he answers.)  You should get a full description of how change works and what you bring to the table and what his role is.

So what should your expectations be for the change you have asked me about?  Here are some things to think about:

-   You should expect to lose NO MORE than one or two pounds a week.  At that rate, you will be making good changes to your body and lifestyle and not just be getting someplace you can't sustain.

-   You should expect to hear that you have to DO YOUR PART, which will include: smart food choices, drinking a lot of water, daily exercise, thinking and journaling about your experience, and developing an entirely new relationship to EATING and how you experience and express your EMOTIONS.

-   You should expect that you will be hypnotized (if you go to a hypnotist or someone who offers hypnosis with other things as opposed to someone who does straight NLP) immediately and you should have some kind of “proof” that you were hypnotized.

-   You should expect the change to happen both IN THE OFFICE, as he works with your subconscious mind, and ON YOUR OWN, as you make life style changes.  Listening to tapes is fine, but that's only a tiny part of it.

-   You should expect to change your lifestyle, including even perhaps the people you spend time with.  I mean, if you hang with a gang of overweight people who can put a buffet out of business, it does not make sense to continue in that social circle if you are changing your relation to food – sorry to be blunt, but that's how it is!  IF you want to stop smoking, you have to ditch not only the smokes, but the SMOKERS!  If you have friends who have been on yo-yo diets for years, what help will THEY be?  They will only subtly undermine your progress so that they will not lose you as a member of THEIR social group.  You have to face this, as hard as it may be.  If you want to be rich, you can't hang with poor folk – they can't help.  The same goes for ANY change – you have to move in the social circles of those who are SUCCESSFUL in getting what you want to learn to get.  If you do indeed learn to change your relationship to food, you'll have little in common with those who have not, at least with respect to food and eating.  And what ELSE do they talk or think about?  Observe what goes on with your friends for a while.  It may be an eye opening experience.  Likewise I'm not big on “support groups”.  They usually have the opposite effect, since everyone is there ONLY to focus on the problem and what you are trying to accomplish is to FORGET the problem.  I mean, think about it, do thin people live with a support group?  For any “problem” the key is learning to FORGET that “problem”.  Nonsmokers don't even think about smoking, until someone blows smoke in their face.  Likewise thin people, or those who live in good relationships, etc.  It's natural and automatic once you get to that point.

-   You should expect to LEARN a bit about food, if you don't already know.  I'm not talking about some kind of specialized diet, but you should become educated about FOOD VALUES.  Fat, carbs, calories, fiber, etc.  Make your OWN diet, but make it based on good balanced nutrition.  In the long run, however, you will learn to listen to your body tell you what IT wants.  That's why thin people crave a salad when you are craving a pizza, for example.  You will learn to eat with your stomach and not your eyes, for example.

-   You should expect to use some “tricks”.  They help and are mostly temporary.  For example, eating from a saucer rather than a dinner plate so it LOOKS like more than it is.  Such things help to start with.  And not buying or keeping food in the house that you know is not good for you.

-   You should expect to do DAILY exercise.  It does not matter what, but it should be EVERY day.  Forget the 3 times a week crap -- that only builds a scheduling headache into life.  Make it part of waking up in the morning, or something similar.  Just get out and walk for 30 minutes or do 30 minutes of a callisthenic routine, or whatever floats your boat – but do it EVERY day!  If you get into an emotional tug-o-war with yourself over that, that is ANOTHER issue you have to address.  Exercise SHOULD FEEL GOOD.  Watch any dog or cat!  They stretch and run and jump every chance they get, unless destroyed by a lazy owner.  If you hate to FEEL your body, you need to address that as well.

-   You should expect to learn to face food as simply nutrition, which tastes good and you enjoy, but is not an emotional high.

-   You should expect to deal with FOOD and WATER simply, and not have to have all kinds of gimmicky stuff.  If you need special flavored water or this brand of that or only food that comes in branded boxes at 10 times the cost of good natural food … you have not come to terms with eating properly.  Think about thin people, they don't have to eat special foods to be thin!

-   Model thin people.  Now you have to be careful, there are people who are thin because of very high metabolism.  OTOH, if you observe carefully, you'll find thin people who don't eat like horses – THOSE are the people you want to model.  What do they eat?  HOW do they choose what to eat?  How MUCH do they eat?  How do they FEEL about food?  What words do they use to talk about food?  They have the key you are looking for, learn what it is.  Ask questions?  “I notice you did not even think about ordering the chocolate cake?  Why not?  What did it feel like when someone suggested it?  What went on in your head?”  People will tell you almost anything if you ask with interest and respect and sincerity.  At the end of this, you want to be just like them, in the way they feel about and think about food items.  Learn how they think.

O.K.  I hope I was able to give you just a little insight.  Good luck with your journey.  If I can help further, please ask.

Cheers,
Mike


Answer
Hi Again Anne,

> Thanks so much for your answer,

You are very welcome!

> it was really helpful.

Good.  I don't always know if I'm hitting the mark or not ;-)

> I have a couple of follow up questions....can you tell me the difference between hypnotherapy, hypnosis and NLP?

Hypnosis is the intentional induction of a mental state known as “trance”.  There are many ways to induce that state, and one can do it one's self (that's called “self-hypnosis).  You should be aware that one DOES enter states of trance thousands of times per day.  The main difference is that in hypnosis it is INTENTIONAL, and CONTROLLED.

Hypnotherapy is simply the use of hypnosis to perform some kind of “therapy”, what we also called “change work”.

Milton Erickson, one of the “fathers” of hypnosis pioneered a way of inducing trance by simple conversation.  This is now called “Ericksonian” hypnosis, or hypnotherapy.  NLP comes from that background and deals more with the use of language to produce change.  There is a whole lot to be said about NLP, so I really recommend, if you are interested in it, that you do some reading first.  One simple source of that information on a VERY basic level are the books by Anthony Robbins – of late night infomercial fame (or INfame, if you like ;-)  He is a big “promoter” but his ideas are very sound.  I could recommend other sources as well.

> Do you recommend one over another?

I usually recommend that you seek out someone who is skilled in NLP and Hypnosis both.  It is more likely that an NLP practitioner will do hypnosis than the other way around, in my experience.  I like NLP because it has more to say about the real process of change.  Hypnotherapy has only a very few tools.  I think I mentioned them before:

-   Direct Suggestions, repeated over and over while the client is in trance,
-   End Result Imagery, intense imagining where you want to be,
-   Age Regression to the cause of the problem,
-   Metaphor, the use of stories which have a special meaning to the subconscious mind.

The last, Metaphor, is also used in NLP.  NLP adds to this suite of tools:

-   The use of shifts in language,
-   Selective use of Visual, Auditory, or Kinesthetic modalities to alter learned patterns
-   Altering the client's sense of time
-   Altering the client's sense of perspective
-   Many other things I don't have time to mention just now.

Given that, it should be clear that my preference is to start with NLP and use traditional hypnosis if I see a need to do so – but then that's just me ;-)

> Is there a price range for these services that I should expect?

It kind of depends on the area you live in.  You just have to compare prices – you should be talking to a lot of people before you choose anyway, so it will be easy to get rates.  But remember, you often get what you pay for.  You don't end up saving money if you get someone who charges less but does not help you produce the change you desire.  All of that said, I'd expect to pay between $60 and $100/hour.  More if you live in a high cost of living area, less otherwise.  And the “hour” needs to be defined.  The way I work, an “hour” means how ever long it takes – usually longer for the first session (maybe an hour and a half or so) and maybe only an hour or even possibly less in later sessions.

> Also, can you make any referrals of recommended hypnotists who could really help me in the greater Hartford Connecticut area?

I'll see if I can find anyone for you.  All I can do is to get some names.  It is quite probable that I won't have any real experience with the person so you can't take my recommendation for more than I have talked with the person on line and he SEEMS to be competent.  You have to do your OWN homework on this one.  Even if I were 100% sold on someone, it would mean that they impressed ME.  You may not find them helpful at all.  This kind of thing can be very personal.  You can have a session with a person and find that he completely bugs the hell out of you.  Talk to people, get recommendations from satisfied customers, and go with your intuition.

> Thanks again, you were great!

Good.  I'm happy to have given you something to work with.  You know, now that I think about it, you might pick up a book called “Know How”, … lemme see here … O.K. here is a link to Amazon so you can see what the book is about:

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0932573002/qid=1109026255/sr=2-1/ref=pd_b

,,, were you to want to explore how NLP works with this kind of thing.  They lay out a “system” for changing how you LOOK AT things that is pretty good.  They then apply it to several common areas, one is “eating”. I like the authors and the book in particular.  Basically it will show you how to work with something you WISH (“I wish I could loose 40 pounds.”) and change that into a WANT (a strong motivating desire) and then devise a WORKABLE PLAN, to get there.  I'm not trying to steer you away from professional help, but just in case you DO want to do some work while you are looking for someone you feel comfortable working with.  The book is called “Know How” because the basic premise of the “system” is that if ANYONE can do something, you can too.  And therefore, the best way to DO IT, is to find out how OTHERS do it and do the same thing.  So they are viewing change as a fact finding process, in other words, where you gain “know how” in the same way you might if you did not know how to bake and watched how a good baker worked.  So the authors modeled people who lost weight and kept it off, to learn what they did that was different than the millions who did not have stunning success.  (FWIW, they also cover: Love, Sex, Parenting, and Substance Abuse to show how people who have been successful there do see themselves and the world.)

Another excellent book, which I think ALSO covers some eating situations is: “The Heart of the Mind”, by Steve and Connierae Andreas.  (I did not see that one on Amazon, but you might try www.nlpcomprehensive.com if you are interested.)  He also wrote two other books I can't recommend highly enough: “Core Transformation” and “Transforming Yourself”.  All of these are well worth reading – even if you work with a professional.  And to reiterate, the two big Anthony Robbins books “Awaken the Giant Within” and “Unlimited Power” are well worth reading for the tools they contain.  Which books will do you the most good kind of depends on you, and what appeals to you.  Robbins is very flashy and energetic and sets up very simple “do this then do that” kinds of things for you.  That may be just what you need.  The other books tend to require you to do more introspection to really learn how to shift how you look at the world.  I see the value in both approaches.

Let me know if you have more questions ;-)

Cheers,
Mike