Expert: Zorka Hereford - 4/17/2009

Question
I have been married for 2 years now. Prior to marriage my wife and I did not have sex - which was ok with me. However, we still live in an unconsummated marriage. I have tried many tactics to discuss this problem and have even made an appointment to see a marriage councilor that my wife did not show for. She does her absolute best to ignore the whole situation.

I have never made this a public issue so my family and friends have no idea. In fact, her family really loves me and they always go out of there way for me. She has a very outgoing personality and my family and friends really enjoy her as well.

When I talked with a councilor and to my pastor, they both recomended divorce. And they are probably right. However, I just feel so broken down that I can't bring myself to tell my wife, family or friends this. I just feel like I am a major dissapointment to everyone and I am slowly withdrawing from life.

Answer
Hi Greg,

This is indeed a difficult situation and two years is a very long time to endure it.

You have not asked a question here, so I'm not sure what to tell you. The best I can do is offer an opinion.

First of all Greg, the problem is more your wife's than yours. For you to feel so broken down is to take far too much upon yourself. You cannot let this destroy YOU or your self-worth. Obviously your wife has some very serious issues about sex.

Secondly, I would say a divorce is in order as well. No religion on earth expects a marriage without consummation to continue, mostly because it's not a marriage. At best it's a partnership, at worst mere cohabitation. You deserve better than this! No one would consider you the disappointment. They would be very understanding and sympathize with you.

I'm guessing you've discussed all of this with your 'wife'. It doesn't sound like she is at all interested in working on it. She herself must suspect that this can't go on. It would probably be a good idea if you go for some personal counseling to help you get beyond what this must have done to you and your masculine pride. Remember this is not a reflection on you!

I wish you the best!