AboutZorka Hereford Expertise I can answer questions pertaining to a healthy self-concept, personal development and how to think critically about your life choices.
Experience I've written a book "9 Essential Life Skills - A Guide for Personal Development and Self-Realization". I worked a combined twenty years for a top financial institution and a number one communications company where I acquired excellent leadership and training and development skills.
Organizations Toastmasters International
Publications Visit my website at http://www.essentiallifeskills.net to read my many personal development articles.
Education/Credentials I've obtained a Bachelor of Arts Degree with studies in philosophy and psychology as well as a college Business Management Diploma.
Question I feel kind of awkward asking this but I wanted to get some advice from a professional first.
I made a guy friend this year named Joseph, and he's the first male friend I've ever had. We're actually really close now and I consider myself lucky to have a great person like him as a friend.
The problem is that Joseph has serious self esteem problems. He doesn't want to go out in public places because he thinks people will tease him because of his weight. He thinks he's ugly and he won't give hardly anyone eye contact because he's afraid they'll say something about his looks. In reality he's not overweight hardly at all, and I don't know where he got the thought that he's ugly because he's not. It's sad because just recently he confessed to me he sometimes cries himself to sleep because he feels so unhappy and he looks at himself in the mirror and says mean things to himself.
I want to make him feel better about himself because he's really sad and I'm afraid he's going to do something bad to himself one day. I'm his only friend and I want to be able to ease some of the pain so that he doesn't feel so lonely and unhappy. What can I do to make him feel better?
By the way we're both 15 but he's turning 16 in July.
Thanks for your help :)
Answer Hi Lindsey,
You are a very good friend to Joseph and you obviously care about his well being. If he weren't so wrapped up in his self-loathing this could be something he would be grateful for.
I don't know how much reasoning you've tried with him, but you've probably already told him already that he's not ugly or overweight and he doesn't believe you.
You might try to let him know that it's his attitude that's his downfall, not anything physical. We all have the ability to make the most with what we have. If he weighs more than he wants to, he could work out, eat better and automatically look and feel better. You will have to "sell" the idea that he has control over his thinking and self-talk. Sitting around feeling sorry for himself is counter-productive and will only sink him further into despair. Let him know that he must take charge of his life and his perception of himself. It will take hard work, commitment and perseverance, but if he doesn't do it, nothing will change.
If he's really depressed and unmotivated, you might suggest that he seek some counseling. Again, to do nothing but complain about his circumstances would be to not take personal responsibility.
If he refuses to take any positive action at all, then maybe he just wants attention and coddling. There are some people who feel validated when they play the "woe is me" role to gain sympathy, rather than do the work necessary to improve themselves. If that's the case, this will wear you down, so be careful.
Without knowing Joseph it's hard to determine what his situation is, or what would motivate him to work on himself. Make him understand that no one is perfect and we all have to work at something.
Here are some articles that might give you ideas of what approach to take. If nothing works, don't feel bad because you are certainly trying your best. If he doesn't want real help, there's nothing you can do for him.
