About Melissa Burton (a.k.a Bee) Expertise I used to have many problems with low self-esteem. I was shy, could never talk loud enough, was always nervous but surprisingly I got over it and have become more outgoing, still shy in certain cases but for the most part it takes a lot for me to get shy. I would love to help anyone who wants to overcome low self-esteem or just wants to talk about it. So consider me as someone who gives advice and a friend. Anyways feel free to ask a question if you would like!
Question Hi, I was wondering if you could help me out. All of my life, I've been very shy. I have a hard time talking to people and making new friends. I feel awkward around most people unless they're my closest friends or they're great conversationalists who can keep it going. I might think of a billion things to say to them, but when I get the chance, my mind blanks. This is true for both guys and girls, but especially guys, even more so if I have a crush on them. I usually don't have trouble keeping eye contact, but I feel like I'm boring and weird and have a hard time talking to people. When other people are having a convo, I usually don't talk because I figure there's no use, they'll think I'm weird for even speaking. I'm horrible at flirting but somehow I did manage to have a good relationship with a boyfriend about a year ago, although it was still sometimes awkward. I feel like I'm a passive doormat and don't stand up for what I think and don't do what I want to do. I want to be more assertive and outgoing in my life; what should I do?
Answer Hello
Well some of these problems you are having are things that a lot of people have a difficult time with so make sure that you remember you aren't too alone in this matter. Not being able to have a decent conversation with someone can be difficult, even for great conversationalists at times since some people aren't receptive to having a good conversation with someone. So the first thing to do is to make sure you are reading the people you are talking to correctly. If you are trying to make a conversation with someone who simply doesn't want to talk to you or is terrible at conversation themselves then realize it will take a lot of hardwork to talk to these people and that it might not really be a problem with you, but a problem with the person at that point.
The second thing to remember is that starting a conversation should never be weird. With almost everyone a simple, "hello, how are you?" should suffice. Even with people you don't know that are in your classes or people you work with, you should be able to say that to someone and be ok. In terms of what to say next, well it really depends on the person. For example, if you are in class and sitting next to some cute guy and want to talk to him for whatever reason, you could do your basic introduction, and then say something like, what did you do this past weekend, how are you liking this class so far, etc. Basically you need to remember that to start a conversation and to keep it going you don't need to remember to say a billion things. You need to remember to say a few things really which are your ice breakers, conversation starters. For example you could say "so what did you do this past weekend?" He says..." I went out to eat somewhere and played games." You say..." Oh that's awesome where did you eat at, was it good?"... "oh, I love video games. what game did you play? oh wow I love that game too". I mean that's an obvious one but the point I am saying is that basically from whatever someone says you can usually drag the topic on (if you are interested of course) and make a good conversation out of that.
For your friends, it is kind of the same rule but you can even be more random just because you should have more trust in your friends. One important thing you need to have is confidence! If you are telling me that you think people will think you are weird for speaking, then you will always feel that way unless you change that mindset. I don't know you at all, but I'm telling you right now that you most likely do not sound weird for speaking. Everyone has their personalities and quirks. If you met me for example, I jump from one subject to another. I love asking people questions and I act very strange because I tend to just bounce around, and say funny strange things randomly. I used to think it was weird but now I realize that a lot of people find it amusing and think it's fun and cute. It took me years to see that since I wasn't looking at it from a good point of view. I also asked my friends their opinions and they helped give me feedback. Do the same! Try to really think about how you act and why you think it's weird and if you really think people notice those weird quirks or if it is more of just in your head. Go to a friend you trust and ask them if they think you speak weird cause you would like to change something if it really turns people off from talking to you.
There are way more instructions I could give you but I think these few will give you a great start. Also remember one more thing. There are no such things as over night changes. To be good at having conversation and to increase your self esteem you need to practice and practice. For example, the first time you talk to whomever, yes it will be hard, yes you will encounter problems. As you repeat this over and over the problems will lessen and you will automatically become more comfortable making conversation. Questions to ask will just start coming to you since you will be so practiced with it and you will start to realize that you don't speak weird and will acquire more confidence. And remember to keep in mind that some people not be receptive to you. If they are not, it is not you, it is most likely them. So remember that you may not be able to have a conversation with everyone and that some people you just may not click with. In terms of speaking your points, you need to know the person. If someone is argumentative and rude then it might not be best to say anything until you feel more confident in yourself and/or if you know the subject well and can really back up what you are saying. So again, just read the person.
I'm not sure if this covered everything you asked but if not let me know and I'll send a follow up answer. Anyway good luck with this and remember that you can be a better conversationalist, but it will take a lot of practice and dedication from you.
