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Increasing Self-Esteem/self-esteem issues over situation


hello brenda,
i was at a fast food restaurant getting some condiments, when a girl 17 or 18 got beside me and reached for some items right in front of my face. the least she could have done was say excuse me. i would have thought she'd be a little intimidated by me, since i am a fair size guy with a long beard. i would have been upset had anybody done that, but i feel much worse when it's someone i find attractive. i wish all attractive girls were polite. i'm in my thirties, and i feel i should've gotten some respect this much younger person. i'm just looking for some feedback on how to better cope with this situation. it's really nagging me, and similar issues seem to keep on happening. thank you very much for your time.

Hi Greg,
You say that, “you would have been upset had anybody done that, but you feel much worse when it's someone you find attractive”.  Question, are you upset about how her rudeness made you lose control of your emotions and feel angry or are you upset because you allowed an attractive person to do what you would not have otherwise allowed?  Do you feel like her behavior made you feel inferior?  Did you feel rejected by her actions because she was pretty?  I would suggest that you think about what really upset you about the situation.  Before you can come up with a solution, there must be an analysis of the root cause of the problem.
As far as the girl’s behavior, unfortunately none of us can make a person want to do better.  She/he has to want that for herself.  And who knows, she may not have thought of it as being wrong.  Either way, before change can occur, one has to first admit that there is a problem.  Ignorance is no excuse but again she may not have known better.
On another note, beauty starts within and then emanates outward.  So often, people look at a person and think that she/he is attractive and then assumes that the person must be beautiful all over including her/his personality.  We forget that there’s more to a book than the look of its cover; every book has its own story to tell.  And truthfully, we have all experienced pain, rejection, sadness, disappointments, and hate.  So the answer that we must take the time to discover is whether or not she/he has healed, forgiven, is mature, or is bitter as a result of past experiences.  Personality, attitude, and cordiality should all be factored in when considering/defining beauty.  It should never only be based on what you see on the outside especially when hair color, weaves, make up, eyelashes, body-shapers, and a new wardrobe can do wonders.  Also remember that any woman can be beautiful because you have the power to influence her. You have the power to reduce her to nothing or to elevate her to feel, think and act like the most beautiful woman in the world.  

It is a wise idea to treat everyone with the same kindness and respect, even when you feel like she/he deserves it or acts like she wants it.  Perhaps it will be her first experience.  Beauty should never be a criterion for respect.  Everyone wants and deserves to be treated with kindness.  Including you- I’m sorry that happened to you.  

Finally, her actions and that of others (good or bad) should never be used to define your self-worth.  You are responsible for reminding yourself of your worth based on your strengths, abilities, qualities, and who you are.  

"No man has the right to dictate what other men should perceive, create or produce, but all should be encouraged to reveal themselves, their perceptions and emotions, and to build confidence in the creative spirit." ~ Ansel Adams

Best wishes,

Increasing Self-Esteem

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Brenda Douglas


It would be my pleasure to answer questions that will help you to love and celebrate your uniqueness as I have a passion for serving as a confidence coach and answering questions that will help you to live a victorious lifestyle without compromising high standards. Growing in confidence involves developing cognitively, physically, emotionally, socially, and professionally. Building your self-esteem is a lifelong commitment that takes diligent effort.


I am the Founder of Royalty which is an organization that empowers and refines women who are everyday leaders; through interactive workshops, seminars, and courses; a Confidence Coach, and the author of the Everyday Leaders blog at and Recognize Royalty at,

Royalty, Inc.


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