Increasing Self-Esteem/rejection


Dear Brenda,

I have been heartbroken for the past two days over what most people would think is foolishness.  I have dealt with rejection issues all my life, and have very low self-esteem.  I am in my thirties, and I know I'm fairly attractive physically, but inside I feel very ugly.
 For the past year, I have had the same professor for some language courses. He is great, smart, funny and gay - so there's no romantic overtones.  He has been like a mentor to me, and I have made every effort to befriend him, and chat after class.  Generally he is fond of me - and I'm averaging a 95% average consistently in his class - he has even called me rare & inspiring academically.
 One week ago, I found out he is moving to another city, and yesterday we had our oral exams (Spanish#.  Another female in my class, has had him for the last year too.  So he knows us well - class wise - although she has made zero effort to ever really chat with him.
 She had her 10 minute oral exam right before mine #which was last.  During my exam, he was very nice to me but mentioned nothing about staying in touch (although he knows I am enrolled in one more 4 course that he may stick around to teach#.  As we walked out together, the other classmate came up to us and joined our conversation.  He looked at her and said, oh, by the way, we're doing drinks #referring to her)... so we can all get together end of the month - we'll email each other  I said ok.
As she and I walked out of the building, I asked her if she had asked him out first, and she said no, that he responded Now that I'm no longer your professor we should go for drinks  

I felt terrible, because in my alone time with him, nothing of the sort was mentioned, and I feel that if she wasn't there waiting for me, or if she didn't come up to us, he wouldn't have included me.  Basically, I feel he felt pressured at that moment, or figured she would tell me on the  way home, so I got a pity invite.  Is my reasoning skewed, and is this just my low-self esteem speaking.  My best friend said, a proper invitation would have been to invite you directly, the way he did with her.  She said “don't you dare go, and if they do ask you in a month's time decline politely”
Why this matters to me so much I don't know, but I feel kicked in the stomach.  Was this a pit invite???

Please help me to make sense of this..
Thank you!!

Hi Eliana,

Please don't over analyze the situation.  Go and have a great time knowing that it could be the last time that you see him and that he did not have to invite you whether your friend was standing there or not. He has a mind and a will to make his own decisions.  I know that the professor will appreciate your attendance.Because people appreciate support and people love parties. The professor may assume that there is some romantic undertone, simply because you keep trying to get closer.  You must honestly ask yourself, why do you continue to reach out to him and then feel hurt because he doesn't respond. It may be that you want more than what he's willing to give.  Get to the root of the problem. Are you concerned about your educational future after he leaves, when you will, in fact, meet other professors who are just as knowledgeable? As far as the feelings of rejection, usually the source of feeling rejected is our thinking. You must change your perspective to think positive and always assume positive intent. Look for the positive; think positive.  Eliana, the worst thing that you can do is compare yourself to your friend. Even if she points out how he treats her compared to you.  You will NEVER compare to anyone because you are a Designer original. There is no one like you in the entire world.  Be proud of that.  Also, I know that you love your "best friend" but whenever someone tries to convince you of something or advise you, ask yourself, is this information helping me or hurting me?  Is this information beneficial to me?  And then file it in your mind like you would do with a computer; if it helps you, save the information.  If it hurts you, permanently delete the information from your mind.  If someone (and this is anyone) is not into you, it's alright because (1) that's his choice and it doesn't mean that you are a bad or ugly person (one man's junk is another man's treasure) and (2) there are plenty of fish in the sea (crabs, lobster, trout, fillet, tilapia, squid etc..), you will meet someone better. I know that you said that he is gay and that there is no romantic undertone but then why are you emotionally connected or disturbed? Either way, happiness is your choice. And if he were mean to you (rude, sarcastic, hateful, unfriendly) towards you then I may agree that he may have been being cordial but, because he has not done those things, I would say assume positive intent and go and have fun. Go because who know, you  may meet a very special guy.  Dress, smell, and be your best and go and have a great time.  Him not showing you enough attention is not a reason to think that he is rejecting you.   He may just want to respect your teacher/student relationship.  And you are not going to fit in everywhere.  The question is what are your expectations? Are you expecting more than a teacher/student interaction/relationship. If so, that's not what either of you are there for. You are there to learn and he is there to teach.  Go, enjoy, and wish him well.  His respect for you should never be looked at as a sign of rejection but of admiration.  Because he is protecting your feelings.  Feel free to write at any time.  Ps- no it was not a pit invite because he has freedom of choice (we all do).  Take care.  

Increasing Self-Esteem

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Brenda Douglas


It would be my pleasure to answer questions that will help you to love and celebrate your uniqueness as I have a passion for serving as a confidence coach and answering questions that will help you to live a victorious lifestyle without compromising high standards. Growing in confidence involves developing cognitively, physically, emotionally, socially, and professionally. Building your self-esteem is a lifelong commitment that takes diligent effort.


I am the Founder of Royalty which is an organization that empowers and refines women who are everyday leaders; through interactive workshops, seminars, and courses; a Confidence Coach, and the author of the Everyday Leaders blog at and Recognize Royalty at,

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