Increasing Self-Esteem/teenage worst acts
Let me introduce myself to you. I m a very honest, religious , helping person for past 10-15 years. Walking on path of GOD with my own wish. I try to help everyone. I m very kind . I enjoy a tremendously good reputationin society and i m ideal for many many people for my kindness and gentle behaviour. I was introvert right from beginning. Belong to a middle class family of INDIA. i have 4 sisters i m aloneson . I have no brother. I was always shy of girls. I was always curious of opposite sex. I m telling you memories of mine. When i was 5 years old my mom caught me touching on private parts of my youngersister 2 years younger than me.She scolded me badly. My sisterwas also happily touching me. We both were badly scolded. Next when i was 7 my mom caught me touching me private parts of a doll. From mypast experience i knew mom will scold me so i was cautious.Still she caught me and i was again scolded badly. When i was 7 i used to get my penis hardThen on reading about meat, pork, fish written in my books. The same year my friends used to link my name with a class mate girl. I was so excited and wanted to marry her. I remember when i was 8 when my eldest sister delivered a baby . There was extra secretion of milk and baby was unable to idrink whole. So i was given the duty to drink that extra milk. I did but i enjoyed seeing her breast. I was excited. When i was 9 i noticed that i wake up daily with my penis hard. I wassurprised whats it. When i was10 my mom used to sleep topless with us during summers as we lived in a hot area. I used to see her curiously and got excited . i became religious around the age of 11. I used to pray daily to GOD. GOD became a very close friend of mine. I used to talk everything and used to share everything with GOD ONly . I never shared my curiosity with anyone because i knew mom will scold me if i ask her about sex. my friend used to think me the best boy so i didnt discuss with them anything because of fear of them thinking me a bad guy. As i told you there were females all around me at homei found a girl magazin and read some articles related to sex. When my age was around 11. It became a habit for me . I used to read those magazines when everyone slept . When i was 14 i once touched daughter of my sister who was5 years old on her private part just for a second . She didnt even realised what i did . i felt bad and guilty-said sorry to GOD and never repeated. same year i made 1 year old boy of our paying guests to touch my penis. I did it once or twice and said sorry to GOD and never repeated . Then at the age of 15 when INDIA lost to australia in world cup cricket i fought with GOD and abused him badly. Very very badly in fact. But after some days i again started to worship and never fought with GOD. I said sorry. When i was 15 i saw fashion tv for the first time. I became so excited and curious that it became a habit for me . I used to saw sorry to GOD for this. Used to control myself for few days but again after some days i watched fashion tv. Those lingerie shows were very very exciting for me. At 16 one night i masturbated accidently while playing with my penis reading a girls magazine. I didnt know anything what happened. It was exciting. I practised it for few days. Then felt guilt and stopped it after paying sorry and promising GOD. But after few months i could not controlmyself and masturbating again. I masturbated at least 3 times a week and felt guilt every time. I used to saw sorry to GOD every time i masturbated because sex was told to be bad in our society . But dud to enjoyment i kept on doing masturbatin. At 16 i saw breasts in a fashion show but could not see vagina as it was not photo in our country due to broadcasting limits. I wanted to know how the lower part of female looks like.We all family used to sleep in same room and same bed . In curiosity i touched my elder sister , my younger sister and my mother on their private parts when they were in deep sleep. I slept after that. Next night i did that again . I felt guilt and stopped. Said sorry to GOD and never ever repeated that again. Never. I never had urge of repeating that. I was never sexually attracted towards my sisters and mother though i used to masturbated seeing fashion tv models. after 16 i remember i never did anything foolish. Same year i used to love a girl my senior. I came to know thatshe is loving somebody else. I wrote a letter without name toher home and written very badwords about her and that boy to break their relation. I succeeded . But felt guilt and saying sorry to GOD I left this also. Her family scolded her. When she came in my company in college i loved her and took care of her to a height one cant expect . I loved her madly. I proposed her. She said i m just a friend. Iaccepted it and never troubledher in LIFE. I am a28 years now.And i dont remember i repeated any of my earlier life sins. till 3 years back i was very happy to love my country, GOD and help people . 3 years back i came in company of a colleague who was orphan . She told me that her boy friend treats her very badly. i really cried listening to her story her0her storyi. I decided to help her. Helping her in her traumatic relation i came close to her. She ended her relationand told me that she isso pure that in past 10 years her boy friend and her didnt even kiss . I was so impressedw with her character. GOD said me to propose her. I did it. I had no girl friend earlier so it was a new experience. I loved her purely. Never touched her . Always wanted to make her life happy . When the time of marriage came my parents refused because because she was not told to be a GoOD character girl when they enquired about her .i fought with my parents for not blaming her character . But my parents didnt agree as she wasfrom a different caste and caste is a big factor in our country for marriage specially. I loved my parents very much. Seeing them sad i decided to leave this relation. But i kept on feeling guiltfor not doing GOD work completely.0i saga said sorry to GOD but could notfeel alright again.0to come outof this guilt i decide to enquireabout her for the first time. I found that she had a bad character. She had sexual relations with her boy friend in all 10 years OF her relation with him. She made relation with me just to tease her ex boy friend. She had continuous relation side by side with her ex. for some daysi felt ok that she was a bad girland my GOD is not angry with me.. but after that again i remembered ehat i did when i was 16. i started comparing mygirl friend with me.. i felt guilt that i was worse than her and still i left her on grounds of challenging her character.. i felt so bad that i soiled my blood relations and did henious crimes . none of myfamily members know whati did when i was 16. they were asleep.. i never repeated that. ifeel GOD is very angry with me and i will get severe punishment from him. i fell shame on myslf for past 4 years.. I suffered from depression last year. dr has given me 100 mg fluvoxamibe b.d dose. i took medicine for 7 months. But discontinued them when no concrete resultscame... still i feel same guilt of acts i did. i cry a lot when alone. i behave normal in frontof others. i m married.. nobodyknows what is my condition.. they believe me a very good numan being but they dont know my truth who wad doind acts like a dog right from chilkdhood.. i love my famil more than myself.. i dont want to commit suicide.. i want answers why did this happen to me. what should i di now? i m depressed. cant tell anybody about my bad acts. shameful for me... if i tell all my relations willl be gone and my family will get destroyed.. p;lease help me.." i love my family... why did GOD let this happen. please help" i want to know that have i abused the daughter of my sister and that 1 year boy sexually. Have i ruined their lives? Daughter of my sister was 3 that time. She was in mylap and we both were runningand laughing. . I touched her playfully in lower back region just once. Never did that again. She loves me most now because we spent so good time together. I loved her more than myself. I used to save all my pocket money and used to spend on her lavishly whatever she wanted. Her dolls, toys, toffees chocolates, kurkure and all wishes of a child which i could fulfil . She is 17 now. We both love each other same. Will she be remembering what i did as a child? Her behaviour is same towards me loving only. She waits for me so that she can show me all her activities of her school functions etc. Have iabused her? Will it affect her? The other boy of our paying guests was just 1 or 1.5 years old when i was 14. I just rubbed my erect penis on his cheek while still wearing my shorts. I touched his penis once to see how it looks or does it get erect on touch like mine. I didnt torture him. I didnt perform sodomy didnt even try to penetrate or that sort of thing. Have i abused him sexually. I dont know where he is now. Will he be suffering from symptoms of sexual abuse done by me. I want these people to be happy. Please help sir. I m not attracted to children. Do u think i m a pedophile? Please reply if you can.
Sir unwanted thoughts like those of me doing Incest, dishonesty, murders, betrayingmy wife and parents come totally unwanted. I dont want to act on them but still they keep on coming. Suppose when i hug my little daughter 1 year old my mind says you are having sexual feelings towards her. I dont have any such feelings still such thoughts keep on coming repeatedly.. More i try to distract my mind from these unwanted thoughts more they come and give rise to disgusted feelings. . But i dont have any wish or intention to act on them. I can say it surely. My mind keep on making stories and keep on talking to myself. Whenever something immoral or anti social i think in those stories then i feel extreme guilt for 1-2 days then i adjust to the situation. Please help me sir. I need your reply. I will wait. I shall be thankful to you.
Im sorry that u r in such a spot. My advice_ just forget the paat and start your life afresh. Everything that you feel bad etc is createdd by your mind. Just do what comes naturally. Sex is no sin. Tread a path of what makes you happy. God and devil are 2 extremes of thoughts. Just choose the middke path. If u need sex find a partner there ends the mattrt. There are no shoulds or shouldnt. Life is for finding your happiness and living it. Not in theory or guilt feelings, good luck