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Increasing Self-Esteem/Insecurity causing lack of motivation


QUESTION: Dear Brenda,
What you wrote to introduce yourself as a category expert made me smile! I love it!

Everyday I wear silver ring on my finger that symbolizes my commitment to my happiness (and ultimately the happiness of the entire world). "Happiness" sounds shallow and ephemeral. To me it means living a life of love, harmony, abundance and gratitude and spreading that message to all people as well as taking specific, tangible actions to help others achieve their goals and become fully actualized.

I have big ideas about what I will to do to futher that cause. BUT, I keep facing one issue: hopelessness. I am very prone to giving up and feeling hopeless. I lose motivation easily. Sometimes days go by and I don't check anything off my to-do list. I sit around listening to music in a daze and I don't take care of my appearance or anything around the house. I look around and wonder where the time has gone. When I get in one of these moods depression and insecurity set in and it's like I am in a different world. I literally FORGET what I need to do. I make to-do lists (for everyday things and for my dreams) and I don't look at them, or I just don't care sometimes. This happens at least twice a month.

Insecurity affects other areas of my life also. When I am in social situations I contantly second-guess myself because I am not sure if I am acting right and I fear that people will think I am weird (in a bad way). I don't have many friends because I feel awkward and uncomfortable when I try to reach out to others. I frequently feel lonely and forgotten because of this. Friends are an important part of a rich and fulfilling life. I feel totally clueless when it comes to dating.

Thankfully, there is so much to be grateful for! I have conquered most of my other issues, so I can do the same with this one! It's just taking a little longer.

What do you think?

ANSWER: Hi Jane,

Happiness is a choice.  Allow that feeling of hopelessness to work on your behalf and push you to work harder to teach and live an exemplary life of love, harmony, abundance and gratitude.  Positive self-talk is a great technique to help you to not give up so easily.  Start paying close attention to your thoughts. Because, what you think dictates your actions and become your reality.  If you think that you cannot, then you convince yourself to not try because you believe that you cannot.  You have the power to control your thoughts and to change them!  Taking a mental break or even falling down is a part of life. Itís sure to happen to everyone at one time or another but you must get up, brush yourself off, and keep going.  Listening to music while ďin a dazeĒ sounds like a mental break.  And we all need mental breaks every now and then. Some listen to music, some play video games, some takes leisure classes, some are into sports, and etc... Give yourself permission to reboot and then keep going.  There are many things that can affect your moods of depression and insecurity, your influences/relationships, what your feed your mind (tv, music, movies- Eg, if you watch a sad movie, it can make you suddenly feel sad), your thoughts and how your treat others. So make adjustments if necessary.  Itís hard to motivate others when you are drowning yourself. So find people who are gifted to motivate you as a motivator.

As far as second-guessing yourself, you may be too focused on the opinions of others, work too hard to say what you think pleases them, and try to determine what the other person will think or feel about what youíve said. Instead of remembering that everyone will have different opinions because every person is unique and has had different experiences.  As far as not having many friends, having one friend who is faithful, trustworthy, loyal, honest, and fun can mean so much more than a person with many friends.  

Instead of concerning yourself with dating, focus on mastering the art of self-happiness so that when you meet that special someone, he can draw from the overflow of your happiness, you two can grow stronger together, and then both of you can enjoy life to the fullest.  I hope this helps. Best wishes

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thanks for your response. I appreciate your support!

Oh yes, I know happiness is a decision. That's how I came to believe it was achievable for me and everyone else.

What kinds of things are you referring to specifically when you say that many things can affect depression and insecurity? And can you give me an example of what kinds of adjustments you mean?

My work and personal life are both miserable; I feel like I am forcing myself to fulfill some kind of sentence. I have felt this way for as long as I can remember and I can't make any progress in understanding it. It seems like no matter what I do nothing changes. Yes, I am so incredibly blessed, yet I feel I am wasting all that by living an unhappy life. I act happy, but I ask myself who I'm kidding. I feel like a big loser and a total fake.

Not very positive, but maybe you have dealt with some aspect of those feelings and can share a path of improvement that worked for you?

Hi Jane,

There are many things that can affect your moods of depression and insecurity, your influences/relationships, what your feed your mind (tv, music, movies- Eg, if you watch a sad movie, it can make you suddenly feel sad), the company you keep, compromising your standards, your thoughts and how your treat others.
Insecurity is a type of fear, doubt, or feeling unsafe. The interesting thing about our minds Is that we can force it to think on things that empower us or make us feel defeated. The choice of disciplining your mind to be optimistic is only yours to make.  Focus on things that are true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Discipline yourself to always find the light at the end of every tunnel. Only you can make life wonderful or choose to be miserable.

Life is not always great. The rain is always sure to fall but the sunshine comes back, trouble doesn't last always.  

Pay attention to your thoughts about yourself, your circumstances, and about others. Be sure that you are only thinking great thoughts. Feeling like you are faking only means that you are uncertain about hope.  I've heard it said that sometimes you have to fake it until you make. Smile, even when it's hard to smile; give compliments even when it's hard to part your lips.  Bringing other people joy, brings you joy.  Do something to take the focus off of you.  Get involved with something bigger and expect to shine with joy.  I hope this helps  

Increasing Self-Esteem

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Brenda Douglas


It would be my pleasure to answer questions that will help you to love and celebrate your uniqueness as I have a passion for serving as a confidence coach and answering questions that will help you to live a victorious lifestyle without compromising high standards. Growing in confidence involves developing cognitively, physically, emotionally, socially, and professionally. Building your self-esteem is a lifelong commitment that takes diligent effort.


I am the Founder of Royalty which is an organization that empowers and refines women who are everyday leaders; through interactive workshops, seminars, and courses; a Confidence Coach, and the author of the Everyday Leaders blog at and Recognize Royalty at,

Royalty, Inc.


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