Increasing Self-Esteem/Doormat/People Pleaser


Hi there. Thanks for reading my question.

I'm a 35 year old woman. I have a great career with lots of potential, and I'm smart. I look good for my age, and I recently decided to take a step towards better health by eating better and exercising. I'm in a relationship and we've been together three years.

For as long as I can remember, I've been a people pleaser. As a child I bent over backwards to fit in and please my peers. I find myself doing this now, although it's not as bad as it was.

I am also having a problem excelling at life. I take every little setback in my career as negative. I get extremely disheartened over the smallest mistake or always assume I've done a horrible job. I want to be more organized and efficient at my job, but seriously lack motivation and drive sometimes.

I'm trying to better myself through fitness. However, I get the feeling this is not being received well. I live with my boyfriend, and I do 99% of the cleaning and housework. He does it when he's out of clothes. I take care of dinner half the time and usually pack his lunches. Last night I experienced a bit of animosity from him because he wanted to go to the gym but he was stuck cooking dinner. I went right after work. This morning he was miffed because I didn't make him lunch. He was miffed because he couldn't find something. Now, all I think is oh I have to clean better. Oh I probably shouldn't go to the gym because I have to clean/cook/make him happy.

I'm just generally getting really fed up with people around me. I feel as though I can't do anything for myself.

Thanks for helping  



First let me commend you for continuously working to improve your professional and physical well-being.  Increasing self-esteem on a daily basis is just as important as taking a bath daily.  Simply because every day our self-esteem take a hit through disappointments; through what people suddenly say to us; the unexpected events that happen during the day; or even our immediate circumstances at times. Therefore, our confidence and/or self-esteem must be refined and strengthened daily through our mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual activities.  

Question, why do you feel that you are not excelling in life? Do you wish to be further than where you are today?  If the answer is yes. Where would you like to be and what will it take to get there?  After you answer these questions, decide if you are willing to do what it takes to get there.  If you are not willing to make sacrifices, changes, or commitments to move in the direction of your desires, then choose not to complain about it, choose to be content.  Angelou once said, “If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude.”

Additionally, setback and mistakes can either be good or bad depending on your perspective.  Bad, if you are more focused on how you feel.  Good, if you learn from them.  Suggestion, learn from mistakes and setbacks, make different choices, and move forward.  Mistakes and Setbacks teach us life lessons. Commit to being a life-long learner and let the experiences make you better prepared for what lies ahead.  
As far as your friend, it may be that he has learned to depend on you to do the household chores, cooking, and making lunch or perhaps that was the “norm” in his household as a child.  Either way, communicate and have a conversation to let him know how you feel and the both of you share ways in which you can work as a team and both live happily ever after.  I hope this helps.


Increasing Self-Esteem

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Brenda Douglas


It would be my pleasure to answer questions that will help you to love and celebrate your uniqueness as I have a passion for serving as a confidence coach and answering questions that will help you to live a victorious lifestyle without compromising high standards. Growing in confidence involves developing cognitively, physically, emotionally, socially, and professionally. Building your self-esteem is a lifelong commitment that takes diligent effort.


I am the Founder of Royalty which is an organization that empowers and refines women who are everyday leaders; through interactive workshops, seminars, and courses; a Confidence Coach, and the author of the Everyday Leaders blog at and Recognize Royalty at,

Royalty, Inc.


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