QUESTION: I have been bullied all my collage life and had low self esteem i have finally got a job but now i feel that my boss think low of me.
I don't have a table to work of and i don't have a computer system. But i can not have courage to ask for it. I am not given importance as i should be i just want that things don't turn into bullying or harassment. I belong to rich family and i have got this job from my fathers reference. I am an architect and i am 25yrs old woman.
I was once very confident but i lost it by worrying extra about work and now i feel in state of anxiety all the time. it keeps my forehead in continuous strain and my face is often hot and it stress or situation prolongs it turns into headache.
ANSWER: Hi Mahreen,
Question, what does your boss do to make you feel like he/she thinks low of you? Answer this question specifically to be sure that this feeling is not something that you are struggling with and yet it is not his/her intentions. Sometimes our feelings don’t match up with someone else’s intentions. Instead of making assumptions, you can calmly ask questions to find out a person’s motives and intentions.
Furthermore, in order for you to be successful at your job, you need the necessary tools including: a computer, a desk, ink pens, fax, telephone, paper, etc… If your boss has forgot, and again, don’t make assumptions because he/she may have asked someone else to order what you need, just kindly remind him/her that you need the tools to be successful or better yet, give him/her a list of what you need.
On another note, just because you got the job through your father, does not mean that you are not qualified for the position. Remember that you and your father’s reputation could be at stake and honestly, if he did not think or feel confident that you can handle the position, he would not have sent the referral. YOU CAN DO THE JOB WITH EXCELLENCE! You have prepared for this moment. Positive self-talk is crucial for your success. Always assume positive intent; think positive and develop the habit of encouraging yourself despite how you feel.
As far as the bully situation, you cannot move forward while looking back at the same time. Forgive those who have bullied you. Truthfully, everyone has had a bully at one time or another. The goal is to not let the bully define you or dictate your future. Your success is never based on how someone treats you. YOU and only YOU can determine your destiny!
Anxiety is very normal and will always come but it doesn’t have to stay. Control the anxiety/fear and don‘t let it control you. Instead, be BOLD and make up in your mind that you will not be controlled by fear! Consistently remind yourself that you have been preparing for success up to the age 25 and you will continue to grow, learn, and expand your skills. YOU CAN DO THIS AND ACCEPT ANY OTHER CHALLENGE THAT COMES YOUR WAY!! Moving forward despite the fear prepares you for greater tasks. I hope that this helps.
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Hello thanks you are right I was assuming situation wrongly. But you are right no one heirs anyone if they don't find a person eligible for the job. They are giving me time to polish my skills as it took me time to understand architectural style preferred by this office. The moment I entered the office I saw my boos with angry face. Which made me upset and de-tracked my effort in work. they had hired 3 women before and they fired them for unknown reasons so now they were not hiring any woman and they just don't want any woman roaming here and there in office and i just need to make sure it I always look busy with work even if don't have any work.
I hope i will cope with this office well but i just need to work a bit more hard.
I will keep in mind all the positive things you mentioned above. and i have finally got my table and here order have been given for new office furniture as it is expanding a bit. Hopefully my table and computer system are part of it.
One thing more i want to ask sometimes my mom is ill or my parents have fight in the morning and then i enter office with stress. And my birds are ill i try hard to keep them happy but one is still plucking its feathers.. And i cannot get over being worried about birds and my mom all day. P.S there is not even a single avian expert in Pakistan. In fact in rest of the world also avian experts are very rare. I have shown my bird to some other type of vets who also have interest in birds but I am not satisfied even with the general checkup by them. So things
Don’t be afraid to embrace your learning curve. Be patient as you learn the necessary skills and perfect the skills that you have. Everyone needs time to learn and grow. Evaluate your growth every 5 years. As far as the accusation about women, take your focus off that thought, only because you will feel like the next victim. You want to focus on doing your best, going above and beyond the call of duty, horning your skills, and leaving a positive impression. Perform your job with excellence. Not to please them but to feel more confidence about your skills and the truth that you can take your exceptional skills EVERYWHERE you go.
Control what you focus on. Forget about the ones (3 women) before you, invest in your future and perform with excellence. You can be the difference!! But, if you feel defeated before you start, you will never win because you have already determined that there is no way that you will win. Make a deliberate effort to change that thinking. Again, YOU can be the difference. More and more women are becoming Executives, Architects, Physicians, Lawyers, Real Estate Brokers, etc… women are breaking free and understanding that they have the power and the strength to make a positive contribute to the household. Women are being empowered economically and socially. Yes, in some countries, things are different in terms of how women are treated or perceived but there are always exceptions, see http://pakwired.com/15-inspiring-women-pakistan/
As far as work and the angry face, again, always assume positive intent. Maybe he just heard some disturbing news or just left a meeting that didn’t go so well.
Moreover, sometimes we (as people) also need pressure to perform well and become more disciplined. In fact, “Diamonds are created under pressure.” Believe in yourself and be strong. Do not be wavered by your emotions. In fact, some men think that women are too emotional. So don’t break under the pressure just prove that you can achieve excellence no matter how you got the job.
Regarding your mom, one of the things that I had to do with my mom as a young adult was to sit down and have a one-on- one conversation (just the two of us). I wanted to ask, If she is happy? Why does she stay in the relationship? And how can I help her? I also needed to share how the fighting and arguing affects me (mentally, socially, and emotionally). The situation also fueled me to leave as soon as I was able so that I can have peace and hope for a better future. Above all, the decision to stay or leave is your mom’s choice. I don’t know how bad the “fighting” is but your mom controls what happens in her life just as you control what happens in yours. You can be there to support her, treasure your independence and achievement of being an Architect, and use the example when it comes to defining what you want in a relationship and how you want to be treated
As far as an avian expert, Google has the answers. Do a Google search and you can become the expert that your bird needs. I hope this helps Best wishes