Increasing Self-Esteem/need help
my problem is with my mother in law. i am from india and she comes to stay with me and my husband for couple of months.
I have a 4 yr old daughter.
when my MIL is not here, i usually send my kid to daycare and when she is here she asks to keep the grand daughter with her and i dont have any problems with it.
I work. my MIL was a house wife. She wont understand what it be for a working woman managing family and work.
She has over expectations from me that i should cook, clean, go to office and never say that am tired or anything and always on go.
the problem is, my kid and my hsuband adjust to my schedule. like sometimes i give them quick bf than a large meal. tiny lunch like some rice etc.
my MIL wants a detailed meal along with chutneys etc.
when i wont be able to make it, she criticizes that am lazy.
its not the question of lazy but its just some time comfort.
she makes me feel guilty that am not Good daughter in law as i wont sit and listen to her tv serial stories etc as i wont have time.
i sometimes feel guilty that as a old lady she might need some company at home but i cant leave my job just to give her company.
how should i balance work and family.
Weekends i usually talk wit her and take her out for shopping.
on weekdays i wl b too busy to listen to her.
how cn i believe that i am doing right? guilt haunts me lot but for some one i really cant sacrifice on my work and career.
the trouble is with both of you. yes, mils some times try to rub in that they know everything. but you have an option NOT to affect you. pl remember that events do not have any impact unless your mind reacts with all your past memories etc.
here's how it can be handled.
1) the mil has her preset tape so she need not be blamed.
2) But the Main thing is YOUR mind is the most important for the well being of the family.
so you make this scenario. you lead your life after considering what is important for you and your husband and kids. if someone points out a different behaviour as it is their tape; you need not include it everytime. the idea is to be fair,but strict. it is like dealing with a kid with an unreasonable demand. you dont yield but you try to talk soft.
the problem is the feeling of guilt. this is unnecessary. it is automatic because of your upbringing ,thinking etc, but for each situation come to a relaxed state, decide like an adult without emotion and take steps. no after thoughts, no analysis, self blaming etc. maybe you need to apply some minor corrections to how you dealt, but no remorse. you lead your life. be nice but strict.
when differing with the mil, dont raise your voice, (it complicates matters), speak slowly , look at the persons eyes, be frank.. do not defend yourself but say what is your decision. you need to live your life to the best of your knowledge. THERE ARE NO RULES TO LIFE.
but you can make it up to your mil by talking to her sometimes, introduce her to others, listen to her( need not accept everything she says). smile and walk away from the scene. that is the art of disagreeing without being disagreeable.
at the back of your mind sympathise with her (one day you will be there) but you are not a servant. neglect your conflicting emotions, act wisely, fairly and keep up the goodwill, and be your authentic self. if u want to follw her do it but no grumbling; if you dont want to do it just do what you think is correct but dont defend yourself or feel bad for not listening to her.
it is a bit of an art. but if you love . since they are with you only temporarily see that she is a human being with her own training and upbringing. so ACT lovingly but no need to make an issue for her or for yourself. just be loving .