Expert: Lynda Finn - 3/23/2004

Question
Hi Lynda:  After seven years of college and much success in my life, I still have a low self-esteem.  About a year ago, I became so fed up with a neighbor who dodged us, wouldn't wave to us as we drove by, that I finally went up to him after he spotted myself and my kids outside snow shoveling and walked the other way and I asked him what his problem was.  He stated he had asked us to three previous parties of which we never attended.  To this day we don't know what he is talking about, nor does a neighbor he lives next to.  We are busy people, had a camp we tried to go to on the weekends, yet always would wave to our neighbors and smile whenever we saw them.  There were a few neighbors who just treated us like garbage.  Once we sold our camp and had more time we attempted to get to know our neighbors, had a few parties inviting everyone and found no one to be a complete jerk, but no one seemed "all there!!"  There is actually a man who hasn't worked for over ten years because he says his dog has seizures and he needs to stay with him yet this dog hasn't had a seizure for years.  He just walks around gossiping and sticking his nose in everyone's business and letting his dog go on everyones lawn because he likes to keep his own lawn nice!!  I just can't understand people who want so little out of life.  

After having a couple other dogs on our street get into our trash and make a mess, after about ten times, I finally contacted the town to report these out-of-control dogs.  I did this anonymously as I don't want anymore poor treatment from these people.  People from our area reported these dogs in the past to the town and the owners did nothing.  Regardless how poorly we were treated by these people in the past, I feel slightly "bad" that I informed the town, yet know it was deserved.  I have animals which remain in our yard and do not bother others, yet everyone on our street think they can do as they wish regardless of the laws.  

It seems whenever I stick up for myself I always feel bad afterward. Is there anyway I can gain self esteem?  I feel cowardly to write an anonymous note, yet I've gone face to face and feel equally as bad.  Help!!!    Thanks

Answer
Hi Lisa,

I don't believe it's you who lack self esteem, though you may be slightly under-confident.  You feel guilty about your actions when you try to bring other people's wrongdoings to a halt.

Frankly I can't see anything wrong with what you're trying to do, even anonymously. Let's face it, there are people out there who would rip your car tyres, or worse, if they knew who had informed on them, so your precautions were wise and should not in any way make you feel guilty.

Where you are mistaken, is in thinking that other people feel like you do about community and life.

You have high standards and are obviously intelligent and successful. Most people are not like that. Someone once said, 'there's a sucker born every minute' and that was never more true.
The level of intelligence in the general population is below average (and I'm not talking about education, you can have had the best education there is and still be stupid!)

You are surrounded by people who have lower standards than you and you are trying in a small way to raise those standards - and they won't play.

The dog owners are clearly not responsible people who think about the property of others, whereas you wouldn't dream of allowing your animals to foul other people's gardens.

In that one small scenario we have the whole problem. You would like these people to be more like you and care.

But just as you can't become stupid like them, they can't become intelligent and caring like you. You are fighting a losing battle with people like this.

You are friendly and outgoing, socially responsible and caring - they are prepared to be friendly if pushed, don't give a darn about community and for the most part, care only about themselves.


What you must try to understand is that it's not YOU at fault - it's them.
Not all people share your views and most of them live in your street!
But retain your own standards and stop feeling guilty
:-)


Perhaps you would feel more at home with people who think and feel like you. How to find them?  Well, maybe you could begin with clubs and societies where there is a whole spectrum of different types but who share a common interest.

Not people you live next to but those whom you can choose to bring into your social circle if they appeal to you.

I'm not sure where your interests lie but one tends to find that people who genuinely care about others are involved in community pursuits and charities.  Thinkers tend to be involved in hobbies where they can learn and grow...debating societies, public speaking classes, community improvement and so on. Maybe none of this will appeal to you and perhaps you don't actually want to widen your social circle, but you need to see for yourself that you are not the odd person out (which is what I think worries you at the moment).

Far from being the odd one out, you're the leader at the front of the pack - and it's not your fault if others are too lazy or thoughtless to want to follow that lead.

I hope you begin to see this in perspective now, that it is not you at fault. But broadening your horizons will help you gain confidence and stop feeling guilty.

Hope this helps: if you need to come back to me don't hesitate.
Kind regards
Lynda