AboutDavid Simonsen Expertise I can answer you questions clearly and straight. Let me help you get your in-law relationships figured out. They can really be challenging.
Experience I meet weekly with families that have in-law challenges.
Organizations AAMFT;AACC
Education/Credentials B.A. M.S. Marriage & Family Therapy
Expert: David Simonsen Date: 3/18/2008 Subject: Father in law problems
Question Before I got married (3 months ago) while talking about finances with my now
husband he promised me his parents would help us out. He works for his
father in a brand new company and because of that he is not getting paid
what he should be getting paid, therefore his father agreed to pay for out
monthly rent as well as furnish our apartment. 3 months later he is still
paying out rent but has asked my husband to furnish the rest of our
apartment on out own. Thank god we can afford the little we have left to
furnish, or it would take a little longer than I would like, but this mean that I
wont have the same luxuries I was used to in terms of my shopping habits. I
know this sounds very selfish but I am used to a certain lifestyle, which was
promised to me when we got married, and now my father in law is slowly
taking away from us. He is very controlling over my husband especially with
money and it seems as though he uses money to keep his son attached to
him. There are other problems I have with my father in law, one of them
being the fact that he has recently started abusing prescription drugs, a
problem my husbands mother is not capable of dealing with on her own so
she is dragging my husband into it. This drug problem started around the
time of our engagement because he claims he has a bad relationship with his
father when he got married. My husband is young and loves and respects his
father, and it’s so hard for me to love and respect a man that is controlling
and manipulative and above all is jeopardizing his family with a drug
problem. My husband is the oldest so its is natural that the majority of the
families problems becomes his cross to bear, I am also the eldest so I know
what that is like, but I feel like his parents are just takers and not givers. I am
comparing that to what my parents have done for us and how generous my
family has been. Honestly there are a bunch of things that worry me about
the future but one thing that I believe is a real threat is my husband’s fathers
controlling nature, and how he slowly takes away from us. Before we were
married he promised my husband a raise he is yet to see, a car, which he has
taken away from us and a bunch of other same things. I was expecting to be
taken care of especially because of all the promises made and the fact that I
am not getting what was promised is fine, god willing we can take care of
ourselves after some sacrifice but because my husband works so closely with
his father and really relays on his dad I am worried about how its going to
effect us in the future. His parents expect us to visit every other weekend and
eventually move to their town when we have children and my husband wants
to but I don’t. There are just so many things bothering me and I try to talk to
my husband about them but I don’t want to offend him and drive him away, I
also don’t want him to be a push over when it comes to his father but how
can I make him see how controlling his father is, or how wrong it is that he is
taking back what he originally promised.
Answer Samantha,
Is you marriage already that unstable that simply talking to your husband about your worries is going to push him away from you. I think if you want this marriage to continue you NEED to get into see a counselor quick. These things you talk about your husband are CHOICES. He is CHOOSING to do these things. It is your husband that you should be irritated with NOT your FIL. He does those things because your weak husband allows it. How smart do you think it is to be working for someone who abuses drugs and treat you this way and they are family. YIKES I would tell your husband he needs to show some "manliness" and leave or tell his father to start acting like a responsible employer. This is more about the weakness of the man you married and less about your FIL. I suggest a counselor quickly because this will only continue. At least don't have ANY kids till this is sorted out. You would not want to bring kids into this mess.
David
www.help4life.net
