About SDW Expertise I would be happy to answer any questions regarding any situation you have with your inlaws. I have been married for many years, have been church affiliated and/or a staff member for over 20 years, and have counseled many people in that capacity. I take pride in providing answers that will give honest insight and concrete direction to go forward like many of the wellknown advice counselors. I believe that being a shoulder for you to lean on is important but much more important is advice that you can put into action to make your life better!
Experience I have several years of psychology education, many years of counseling experience, and have been very helpful in my own family. It is a wonderful feeling to realize that you have helped others and made their lives better.
Education/Credentials Many years of church counseling, Several years of psychology course work, BSA in accounting, and MBA candidate.
Expert: SDW Date: 3/18/2008 Subject: Wife unhappy with In-Laws
Question Hello SDW,
I have a beautiful Japanese wife, been married to her for about 8 years. I'm from the Phillippines. We live in the states. She's having a hard time dealing with her in-laws, my mother, sister, brother, father. And I can't handle it anymore. I'll tell you why.
We live in a seperate home about 30 minutes away.
One thing that got her mad was the fact that my mother inadvertently blew the surprise engadgement proposal. That's understandable.
Next she complained about my mother calling her every morning to check on her since she does not have any family here. I talked to my mom and made her stop, she stopped.
My mom came and visited our new home once, and she took one of her fingers and wiped the window seal and recomended something to clean it up. That was not nice so I told her not to say that again. She never did it again.
Now we have a baby, more complaints.
She complains about them visiting to often at our home. I mentioned it to them they stopped completely. (Whole Family)
So I bring baby to visit family twice a week about 30 minutes each time while she's working but she complains about it because she misses baby too much. She explains that I don't understand how much she misses our baby.
These were the big complaints, there's more minor ones. What I'm trying to say is that my wife is constantly finding something to gripe about. There's no end. Every complaint of her has been resolved by her in-law's changing their ways. My Family loves her greatly, and after all of this they are still fond of her. It's a one way problem. She has problems with her in-laws but in-laws are trying all they can to please her.
My Wife even mentioned to me that they are really nice in-laws but too nice is not good. Huh? She also mentioned that if any other person did what they did, it would be OK but because they are in-laws, it's a problem.
I know that my wife does not have the best in-laws, but at the same time I've seen the other gripes about in-laws and they are legitimate. Living with in-laws, in-laws hating DIL, slapping, spitting...
I've tried to help her imagine how it would be like if my family was mean to her... but she would say... "they are not mean... so why think that way." HUH!
Should I continue to protect her even though I think it's getting out of hand? How can I make her happy? What can I do?
Answer Honestly, your assessment is right on the money. I completely agree with you and what you have tried to do to correct it.
Here is what I suggest, point out what your family has done to accommodate her and then ask her to do something nice for them. So, if you count that they have done something to help her feel better say about 5 times then she owes them 5 nice things to be fair.
That is really the point here, your wife expects everyone to do all they can to make her happy and feel better but she does absolutely nothing to make anyone happy or feel better. This is not mature and it is not being a kind and good person.
It doesn't matter that they are inlaws, they are human and they are people you love, so for your sake and because she loves you she should be just as ready to change and make others feel more welcome.
