AboutDavid Simonsen Expertise I can answer you questions clearly and straight. Let me help you get your in-law relationships figured out. They can really be challenging.
Experience I meet weekly with families that have in-law challenges.
Organizations AAMFT;AACC
Education/Credentials B.A. M.S. Marriage & Family Therapy
Question I have been married to my wife now for 2 years. We have a 1.5 year old son.
The problem lies with my wife's relationship to her family. They are a real close knit bunch. I have no relationship to speak of with my parents in-law. Whenever they call they immediately ask for my wife without speaking to me. My parents, however, have a great relationship with my wife. My sister in law only lives about 2 blocks from us. She and her children (13, 11, 2) are at our house almost every day. My wife has no problem with this. She has always lived close to them and has been extremely involved in their lives. This is a grossly irresponsible family. Both husband and wife have had bouts with drug addiction in the past (husband is currently in rehab), I find their methods of parentig most disagreeable, cursing is acceptable for all members of the family (including the 2 year old), they are very messy, and refuse to accept any responsibility for their own lives. When they come to our house they do not "fall in line". They expect my wife to pick up their slack and she always obliges.
This reckless behavior has been going on since well before I was in the picture. My wife's sister and her husband have been bailed out financially many times over by my parents in law(their are quite wealthy). My parents-in law see no problem with any of this.
When we moved near her sister 2 years ago my wife soothed my concern over this siuation by promising that our families would remain seperate entities. This has not been the case.
Whenever I bring up this issue to my wife the resonse is usually something to the extent of,"What do you want me to do? I love those kids and I can't very just let them suffer" or "Stop blaming others for your unhappiness" She thinks that I am trying to tare her away from her family. I feel totally trapped and my wife is not even willing to acknowledge that her very close relationship to her sister is ruining our marriage. I don't want to get divorced but at this rate I can think of few alternatives.
Answer Barry,
The problem is you knew all this going into the marriage and still decided to marry this woman. There are a couple options but most mean staying involved with her family. You can attempt to be friendly with the in-laws. Seek out a relationship with the father. Invite him to lunch etc. Don't leave it up to them to start the relationship. Let your wife know there are only going to be specific times that you want this other family over. Be reasonable with that, but set some limits on it. Your wife may not like it, but this is the stability and future of your family we are talking about. When the ill-behaved people are over call them on it. These kids probably won't know what to do when they are given boundaries. Their parents may get pissed, but you can simply tell them to leave if they don't have good behavior. Moving away should be an option. This again may irritate your wife, but if you don't want to end up divorced it would be important to be extreme. I suggest you read a book called boundaries. It will help you figure out to put up boundaries.
David
www.help4life.net
