About SDW Expertise I would be happy to answer any questions regarding any situation you have with your inlaws. I have been married for many years, have been church affiliated and/or a staff member for over 20 years, and have counseled many people in that capacity. I take pride in providing answers that will give honest insight and concrete direction to go forward like many of the wellknown advice counselors. I believe that being a shoulder for you to lean on is important but much more important is advice that you can put into action to make your life better!
Experience I have several years of psychology education, many years of counseling experience, and have been very helpful in my own family. It is a wonderful feeling to realize that you have helped others and made their lives better.
Education/Credentials Many years of church counseling, Several years of psychology course work, BSA in accounting, and MBA candidate.
Expert: SDW Date: 4/29/2008 Subject: Confrontation with boyfriend's mother
Question Hi SDW -
I hope you can help me with an issue. My boyfriend of three years and I are getting ready to move about 10 hours away from our current location. He is also about to graduate from college (I graduated last year and am starting graduate school in the fall). His mother and I had what I believed was a friendly relationship; they even allowed me to stay in their home for about a month when I graduated and was between homes. This weekend, his parents wanted to have a family talk about his moving. They also invited me to dinner with them; I would meet them at the restaurant. My boyfriend left about three hours early from my apartment to meet them and I was under the impression that they would have their talk in the time before we met for dinner. So we went to dinner, and I had too much to drink to drive home (I was still operating under the impression that they had already had their talk). I then asked if they wouldn't mind taking me home with them so I could come back later and get my car. Well, his mother blew up at him and me, saying that I always have an "attitude" and that I was manipulating her so that they could not have their "family talk". I expressed that manipulating the situation was not what I was trying to do, but apparently she did not believe me because she kept harping on that. She claimed that I never express my gratitude for everything they do for me and also called me a bitch after I went to my car to get a napkin to wipe my face. They thought I was going to drive off. When all of this started happening, the bf got mad and stalked off. I was left there to be berated by his mother. He ended up calling one of his friends to pick him and me up. I didn't know how to deal with her yelling. I should have walked away, but I honestly was flabbergasted that this woman would speak to me this way. She basically told me everything that she didn't want me to hear in their "family talk" about how the bf doesn't have any money to move, they won't be supporting him once he finishes school, and so on. I had no desire to hear their family talk, and I most definitely did not have too much to drink in order to get them to bring me home with them so I could snoop on what she had to say. His father tried to get everyone to calm down but of course that didn't work. While he was trying to get her to calm down, I ended up running into the bathroom of the restaurant and vomiting because of what I had just witnessed. My own mother does not speak to me that way and has the basic respect not to behave in such a manner to anyone. So eventually the bf's friend showed up and after enough time to recover, I retrieved my vehicle. The next day, I dropped him off at his parents' house so they could have their "talk". I did not go in, nor did I want to. They did their thing, and when he was leaving, she asked him how I felt about everything that happened. He told her that he would have her call me, and later on he told me that I should call her and let her know how I feel. After all that, I feel betrayed by the bf and by the mother. The fact that he ran off when she was unleashing her frustrations on us (I should also mention that she kept telling him that he needed to get rid of me so they could have their time) hurts me. I am also very offended by her calling me a bitch and claiming that I have an attitude (which she also basically said that she can have one bigger than mine if she wants) when I have made a point of expressing my gratitude for things they do for me for which I don't even ask. This is not the first time that she has twisted my actions into ammunition. They had a wicker chair that they wanted to get rid of, and I told the dad that he could bring it to my apartment after I got off work. I had to run late that day because I was in a meeting with a patient. When I called to let her know that I would be running late because of a necessary meeting with a patient, she said "okay" and sounded perfectly fine with that. Later, the bf told me that she bitched him out because I was not at home when his dad dropped off the chair. He told me that she told him, "If it was her dad I bet she would have been there on time!" That really pissed me off because she did not bring up the issue with me. So back to the current situation - the bf has put the onus of calling her and therefore apologizing on me by telling her that he would have me call her. I feel that I am within my rights not to make that call because of her verbal abuse. I know that the whole situation arose out of my misunderstanding, and I believe I made that point clear while she was haranguing me, but I do not want to cave to this woman and make this all my fault when she exacerbated the situation by making unfair accusations about me. What should I do? I would be quite happy with avoiding her as much as I can until we move, but something about that method seems immature, and I don't want to sink to that level too. Sorry for the long post - I just want to get a clear answer to my specific situation.
Answer You are correct that it would be immature to ignore this situation until after you move because that would be running from the issues. However, I disagree vehemently that it is your responsibility to call his mother and set things straight. She is his mother and therefore his responsibility, just as your mother having an issue with him would be your responsibility. It is this way for a reason and that is that you have more experience dealing with and understanding your family than he does and he has more experience dealing with and understanding his family than you do. You are completely unable to handle his mother because she has not been honest with you for the entire length of your relationship with her and has taken out her issues with your boyfriend. You discussing this with her will not be an honest discussion but she will be honest if your boyfriend speaks to her.
Is it possible that this new unhappiness with his parents is actually a fearful reaction at the two of you moving away? It seems quite suspicious that she would want to have a "family talk" with him to state the obvious. It would seem obvious that he would not continue to be supported after school and doesn't have any money. This looks to me to be a very fearful and desperate parent attempting to talk her son out of moving. It also seems quite obvious that she is blaming you for her son wanting to move away from her and that makes you the manipulative bitch for doing so. Remember that it is very hard for mothers to let their sons go and that the "other woman" ie girlfriend is almost always the one who gets the blame. I think you should sit down with your boyfriend and ask him if he thinks this may be the real issue and if so remind him that it is his job to work this out with his own mother. She is attacking everyone in sight right before you two are about to move a 10 hour distance away and it seems pretty evident that she does not want her son to move and she is doing everything she can to stop it.
If you two have a plan of how you will live, without anyone elses financial help, such as get jobs and apartments and live as responsible adults then do what you feel is right and responsible. But, if either one of you is expecting for financial help from anyone else then it is not the time to be moving. I am not saying she is right to do and say what she is because I don't think her motives are to help you both be responsible. I believe her motives are much deeper, such as not wanting to lose her son to another woman and let him grow up, and if you stay or go that is something that won't change and must deal with by your boyfriend. Try to put yourself into the shoes of an overbearing and fearful mother and see how she probably sees you. This will help you put it into perspective. If your boyfriend is someone that you love and see being with for the rest of your life then allowing him to forge a connection with his mother as an adult is essential to your future. Try to be willing to forgive and forget if she comes to you to apologize for the sake of your future.
