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Expert: SDW Date: 4/3/2008 Subject: my ex girlfriend
Question QUESTION: this may not be the right category, but you look like the most qualified. sorry for the lenght.
i dated my girlfriend for almost 6 months. at the begining she was very into it, she moved very fast. were both 25. she wanted to be with me every second. it took me a couple of months, but i soon felt the same way.
our birthdays were on back to back days, and came 2 months into the relationship. she asked me to drive home with her for them, and meet her family. she lived a 2 hour drive away,my family lived in another state. i told her i would go home for my birthday because my family wanted to see me, and i rarely see them.
before i left, she would always ask me what i wanted for my birthday. while i was at home for 2 weeks, i sent her a dozen roses on her birthday. when i got back, we went out to dinner for our birthdays, and paid for eachother, but she never ended up getting me a present.
i was back for 2 weeks, but then went away for work for 2 months. before i went home for my birthday, she told me she would come visit me. after i got back from my birthday, she told me she wouldnt be able to come visit me, because she worked in a bar on weekends, and told me she needed to stay and make money. so i came back in the middle of my trip to visit her.
also, before i left for those 2 months of work, she told me she would move anywhere in the country with me where i got a job. when i got back and i asked her that again, she said she wasnt sure. i was with her for 2 months after i was back from work.
1 month into our relationship, she had asked me what my mom thought about her. i told her that i didnt talk to my mom about my gf's, which was true.
after i came from work for good, it was month 5 of the relationship. things seemed fine. i asked her if we could go visit her family, so i could me them. she said yes, and we went, and they loved me. a few days after we came back, she suggested that we spend the holidays with her family, and then go down to visit my family. again, i told her that i would probably go home since i never see my family.
she then suggested that we take a cruise which left from a port which was close to me. i said ok, but also suggested some other places which could be fun. she then made up a flimsy excuse as to why she wouldnt be able to fly to my home -- was this because she thought i rejected her the first time? -- i then told her at some point she would have to come to my home.
she would also tell me how her friend, mary, how mary's bf had asked mary to come to his home, because he wanted mary to meet his family.-- was she hinting something to me here?
in the final 2 weeks of our relationship, we talked about marriage. she told me i had 2 years to propose to her, and i said that was fine. she also told me how she had all these feelings for me, how much she liked me, how she owuld pay the bills when we were married, and how when i bought a dog, i should by a girl dog, otherwise a boy dog would like her more. -- a bunch of things about our future.
SHE ALSO ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT SHE WOULD WANT TO LIVE WITH SOMEONE BEFORE SHE WOULD MARRY THEM. I ASKED HER TO MOVE IN WITH ME WHEN HER LEASE EXPIRED, AND SHE ONLY SAID 'MAYBE'
also in the final 2 weeks, she asked me 'who knows about me?' and i told her that everyone knows about her. she also asked me if i thought my mom would like her, and i said yes. we did come from financially different backgrounds, my family was more well off than hers.
one day, she told me she wanted a break, because she was busy with school, work, family, and having to do things for the realtionship. when she told me this, i told her that i wanted her forever.
she told me she would call me the next day. she didnt. i waited 3 days, and then sent her flowers. no response. i waited 3 more days, and called her. she didnt pick up. i left a message telling her how much she meant to me and how much i cared about her. she texted me back saying 'i dont feel the same way about you as you do about me, and thats not fair to you' -- this was wierd to me because of all the things she would tell me 2 weeks before this.
i tried so hard to talk to her about it. called her, wrote her a letter, and she gave me no response.
i found out in the last week of our relationship, there was another guy. BUT, 3 weeks after she ended it, she went to a wedding in vegas, and met a guy there who lived across the country. this guy was 22. 2 weeks after the wedding, she flew out to visit him. 2 weeks later, he came to visit her. 2 weeks after that, she flew to his home for his birthday, and met his family and friends.
after knowing him for 2 months, and maybe being in the same city as him for 10 days, she said how madly in love she was, and she moved across the country to live with him. before she left, i texted her that i loved her, and asked if there was anything i could have done differently. she said 'no, there was nothing you could have done, i just didnt feel the same way'
so my questions are:
1. why would she tell me how she had feelings for me, and talk about our future and marriage together, 2 weeks before telling me the exact opposite?
2. do you think this whole meeting my family issue played a big part in her ending it. i never directly asked her to meet my family, and i think she was hinting at it, but i did say at some point she would have to come to my home. maybe she thought she was wasting her time? that i wasnt serious about her, even though i asked her to move in with me, and wanted to be with her very second of the day. mabye she thought the was some other reason for me not inviting her home?
do you think that since i never invited her home is the reason for why she left?
3. if she thought that she wouldnt fit in with my family, would this also be a reason for her to leave?
thanks
ANSWER: I understand that you have questions about this relationship but they are not really the important issue here. A relationship needs time to develop and a few months is simply not long enough to develop a real emotional bond. If she had truly loved you she would have waited longer than a few months to see if you were serious enough about her to invite her home or met some guy and immediately fell in love with him in a few weeks.
Don't believe everything you see in the movies, life just doesn't work that way. Also, don't beat yourself up about this. If it was so easy for her to fall in love with someone else then you should really be happy that you didn't marry her and possibly end up divorced.
Just remember, you have the right to decide who you are attracted to and who you are not attracted to. Others have that right as well and we have to allow them to make those choices. Just as you have no doubt changed your mind about women you have cared about she has the right to change her mind about you. This does not make you a bad person or mean anything derogatory about you at all. It is simply a choice and one we all have to make in our own best interests.
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: yeah , i can see that that her feelings couldnt have been strong enough if she could fall for this guy that soon.
1. but for a girl like this, i was just wondering if the fact that i hadnt invited her home, made her lose interest in me, and therefore would she start to look elsewhere, while hanging on to me?
2. and if she was serious about me, could her thinking that maybe she wouldnt fit into my family make her leave?
3. or, do you think it was only a matter of time before she left me anyways, regardless of what i did?
thanks again
Answer I think that your statement "for a girl like this" is the right way to look at this. There are girls who are really only interested in getting married. They will marry anyone who looks suitable and if they find someone who suits them better they will divorce and marry the better catch. This is the kind of girl I think you were involved with. If you had invited her home she may have stuck around because that was her way of knowing that you were serious about being with her in marriage. Any woman who says "I'll give you two years to marry me" is not interested in getting the right man, she is interested in getting ANY man. I don't think she was interested in fitting in, I think she took it for granted that she would fit in and all of her questions regarding your mother were just hints at her goal of meeting them and eventually getting you to marry her.
To be honest, I think you escaped a real mistake in this girl. Somehow you were shown that her interests were marriage and not you. You should really be thankful that you just lived your life and did your thing and that saved you. Also, it was a little disturbing reading about her need to constantly be with you and that you eventually became the same way. It is not normal to need to be constantly with another person and this suggests that she was endeavoring to create an infatuation with you that felt a great deal like love in order to accomplish her goal of marriage. Be wary of anyone who moves too fast, that could mean that they have other motives than honest love.
