About SDW Expertise I would be happy to answer any questions regarding any situation you have with your inlaws. I have been married for many years, have been church affiliated and/or a staff member for over 20 years, and have counseled many people in that capacity. I take pride in providing answers that will give honest insight and concrete direction to go forward like many of the wellknown advice counselors. I believe that being a shoulder for you to lean on is important but much more important is advice that you can put into action to make your life better!
Experience I have several years of psychology education, many years of counseling experience, and have been very helpful in my own family. It is a wonderful feeling to realize that you have helped others and made their lives better.
Education/Credentials Many years of church counseling, Several years of psychology course work, BSA in accounting, and MBA candidate.
Question Two weeks before Mother's Day my family sent an invitation inviting us over for brunch to celebrate Mother's Day and my mom's birthday. I told my husband about the brunch and he didn't comment either way.
Two days before Mother's Day, his sister and him finally decide to plan something for their mother. They decide on brunch and do not tell me. The day before I find out and let my husband know we already have a previous committment and we go go over to his mom's right after. So he calls to tell her and she whines and throws a temper tantrum saying my family always get first choice and she wants to be first. So my husband says he will be there. I then call my family and no one can change plans becuase they all have later committments. My mother in law has nothing else planned for the day. I call and explain to my mother in law, but she is still upset so my husband goes anyway.
He misses out on my family's brunch and my mom's birthday. His mother misses out on seeing her grandson and I don't have my husband with me on Mother's Day. When I mention how hurt I am he says, "Mother's Day is for our mothers and he isn't my mother." He also says he sees that he hurt me, but he wouldn't change what he did because his mom was happy. I explained that he didn't need to choose and he could have seen my family, me and his mother.
I was trying to accomodate everyone. I explained to my husband that if we went to his mom's first, we'd miss out on seeing my family and celebrating my mom's birthday. But if she could wait, just 2 hours, everyone could be seen. I also feel that as his wife, he should have supported me.
Please help me figure this out.
Answer There are a few key issues in this situation that need to be addressed. Whether it is Mother's day, or any other holiday, the issues that you experienced happen and there needs to be a clear channel of communication in order to avoid problems.
Just curious, but I wonder how your sister-in-law and husband settled on a brunch? Could it be that they couldn't decide and had no ideas and someone stated that your family would be doing this? The only way your sister-in-law would have heard your plans would have been from your husband. I wonder if he unwittingly caused this whole problem and that is why he refuses to acknowledge how hurt you are. I doubt you will ever know the series of events because your husband seems unwilling to seriously look at this situation in order to pinpoint weaknesses in communication.
I agree that your plan and compromise were very good and would have solved everyone's needs. But that may not have been the issue in this situation. It could be that there is a power struggle taking place between you and your sister-in-law for your husband's attention and loyalty. This will be difficult to explain to your husband because he will not understand and it is possible that he actually likes the power he gets by being the deciding factor between the two of you.
My suggestion in this situation is to ask your husband to take on the role of deciding when you both will see his family. This will take you out of the role of sister-in-law versus wife and put him in the place of brother versus sister. This takes the sting out of whatever his sister would say about you and puts a great deal of responsibility on your husband. Wait until the next decision is to be made about family gatherings, then tell him to contact her and tell you when they will do whatever they choose but they have to do it in enough time for your family to plan their get together. Don't tell him if plans are already in the works or the times your family has suggested because then his sister will inevitably want those exact times as well and you will be in the same place as you were on Mother's Day.
Hopefully this will force your sister-in-law to come up with plans and times on her own that your husband will agree to. Then you will be able to completely plan to see your family without being accused of favoritism. The real question will be...when your husband and sister-in-law choose and confirm dates and times, then hear of your plans, will your sister-in-law attempt to change their plans to cause a problem? Now, if this happens then you have proof that your sister-in-law is intentionally attempting to cause problems between you, she, and your husband. Hopefully this will not happen and she will simply concede that everyone is happy.
Good luck!
Follow up: It was well understood that your mother in law and husband were your focus but I felt your sister in law also played her part and was more the culprit. I had hoped that you would also see my point and realize this. I felt the need to make this clear to you due to your comments and rating towards my advice to you because I take this very seriously and am considered highly rated. Of course, I do tend to speak and advise others honestly so you may have simply disagreed with how I interpreted your situation.
